I Wish It Could be Christmas Everyday

Christmas from the perspective of a child in the care system

Lemn Sissay OBE, the official poet of the 2012 Olympics, speaks of Christmas;

 “Christmas divides the world into two sorts of people. One group gathers around the domestic hearth: all jocularity and teasing, memories and traditions. The other group is, as in the Victorian cliche, outside the window looking in. They have never felt the warmth of the homely festive glow”.

Lemn was a child in the care system.

I have no personal experience of his story, but I can relate.

It was Christmas day 1988. A bitterly cold day and I remember it well.

It is etched in my memory box, I cannot shake it off.

It visits me every Christmas day as an unwelcome visitor.

I was on an afternoon shift as a police officer in a busy area of northwest London.

I took the call at 1627hrs, to a domestic disturbance.

Unfortunately, this is a regular call during the holiday period as not everyone is safe, secure or happy. I arrived first and it was the crying and wailing that I first heard. I entered the property and saw a scene that will stay with me forever.

A hysterical woman was sobbing holding a screaming small child, whilst two other children  sat silently ashen faced on a settee. A man was dead sat at a table, I won’t go into details, but this woman had snapped and killed a very abusive and violent man who had harmed  her for years.

All three children were under 9 years of age.

The two older ones were old enough to understand what had happened but no idea of what was happening.

The day was a blur after that, but I recall carrying the two older children out, wrapped in a duvet, to a waiting colleague who took them to the station.

Hours later, I went back to the station and I saw the 3 children sat in our TV room watching Disney videos, being looked after by 2 colleagues.

I was made aware a while afterwards that they were taken into the care of the local authority and their small lives were changed forever.

Why do I tell you, the reader, this?

I was able to process what I’d seen and I understood the processes that would quickly be put in place, yes it was unsettling as a husband and new father BUT I could make sense of it. I won’t forget it, but I can control it.

Unfortunately, those 3 children will never forget that and that is their proverbial ghost of Christmas past that would, I had no doubt, become their Christmas present and future.

Children in care have experienced loss, trauma, deceit, harm, abuse, fear, anxiety and sorrow. Some are in care because their parents are temporarily unable to cope whilst others their parents, or others they should be able to trust were the source of their feelings.

Their memory boxes are definitely not going to be as ordered as those of us who can make sense of the world we live in.

Christmas, or other holidays, can be challenging for them and bring around a catharsis of uncontrollable emotions. Where we may see happiness and family harmony, to them it may be a day that causes great distress.

As a carer this can be unsettling and indeed, subconsciously, we may feel that the child does not appreciate what we are trying to do.

You will all recall from the attachment theory training you have attended how the brain of a child in care operates, and how the early years trauma , conscious or unconscious, will impact upon them.

Strangely enough, Chares Dickens highlighted this in his book ‘A Christmas Carol’.  His lead character, Ebenezer Scrooge, a seemingly miserable, anti-social and cruel man, had himself suffered great trauma as a child at Christmas and, when confronted by those memories,  told the ghost of Christmas past,

 "Leave me! Take me back! Haunt me no longer!"

We can all recall how his childhood trauma impacted upon his ability to build and maintain relationships.

Maybe Mr Dickens had a real insight into the other world that many people survive in every day.

I recently reached out to our first ever foster child, let’s call him C, to find out what it felt like for him when he was with us for 2 Christmases. C was candid and insightful and told me,

“………Overpowering, too many rules, be here at this time, eat at this time, everyone knew what was expected but I didn’t”.

C opened up about why he threw his present from his birth family in the bin as he felt embarrassed by their ‘cheap gift’ when we had bought him a brand new mountain bike. He told me

“Do you know how I felt seeing that from me ma and da? I remember the year me ma was off her head on heroin and threw a ￡1 bag of Haribo at me and said ‘Merry Christmas’ yet you bought me a boss bike, it hurt a lot”

I recall his behaviour was erratic and challenging during the holiday period and his drug use increased considerably culminating with him not joining us for our meal.

He told me “ It’s hard to fit in when it’s not your fam, I felt part of it, but it was all too much.”

I hadn’t considered that what I saw as ‘generosity’ could be interpreted as something else. I was trying to fill a wide emotional chasm with platitudes and Polyfilla.

I have to be honest I struggled a bit as to why he was not joining in. After all we were making it ‘special for him’.

Then I remembered that maybe those 3 children I had helped in 1988 probably struggled a lot on Christmas day too.

Lemn Sissay gives us a window into his experiences regarding Christmas in care:

“I felt rootless; an unwanted parcel. And Christmas, as for any kid in care, was the hardest time: when the festive lights served only to expose what was missing, and would never be there. “It feels an incredibly risky time,” he says. “I used to fold myself into myself. All the memories were of Christmases that hadn’t been good.”

Powerful narrative that could maybe explain why the child in our care does not want to be involved in all the activity we take so casually as ‘fun’.

So, what can we as carers do to make sure that the child in our care is Ok with Christmas?

Talk about Christmas: In particular, explain what your Christmases look and feel like. Make sure you let them tell you about their Christmas if they feel able or want to. If they have something they like to do, or a memory that is positive then encourage them to recreate it. I’m sure many of us can remember the first time we spent Christmas with another family, everyone has different ways of doing it. It may be something as simple as helping them make a card or purchasing a present for their family.

Expect emotions to surface: It is likely that this time of year will be emotional. Remember they are away from their families and siblings so they will feel sad. Your Christmas and how your family celebrate it could make the child feel like an outsider. In fact, many children in care will go missing during this time to try to be with their families.

Keep some sort of a routine: Children thrive on routine and maintaining this will help children to cope. If a routine cannot be maintained, organise and arrange a Christmas calendar ahead of each activity to help the young people to prepare. Talk through any worries and coping strategies for those circumstances with which you know young people struggle. It’s always important to ask them what they may like to do and who they would like to see.

Visitors can be overwhelming: Think about the fact that some children in care may be wary of strangers and the very presence of them can be unsettling or bring back hidden trauma. Try to give them some information about who is visiting and who they are etc as this often can help them feel less anxious. I recall C being fascinated by my son’s Russian partner and the fact she could speak so many languages and that both she and my son lived in Russia. They both took time out to tell him things about the country and the people and he was fully engaged.

‘Make Merry’ in moderation: many children may have witnessed adults with an unhealthy attitude to alcohol. Reassure them that alcohol can be something that people take to relax and that in moderation it is, for many, an integral part of socialising. 

Make time for them to see their family: Obviously, this will be at the direction of your supervising SW, but contact is important for the child at Christmas. Be there to support them after the visit and maybe just give them time to refocus and then talk through the contact.

Get them involved: Think about the impact of letting the child pick the turkey or help with that dreaded ‘Big Shop’. Remember we are hoping to create positive memories and prepare the child for moving onto the next part of their life.

Food discipline: Many children in care can have an unhealthy relationship to food, so be very mindful of the access to food and also try not to overwhelm them with the amount of food that we have and often waste.

Make sense of it all: When its all over sit down and talk through the experience with the child and listen to their feedback as its often healthy to see how we do things from the perspective of another. In addition, if it’s a long term placement then make sure they see their feedback being put in place next year.

This is not a tick list, as I dislike them with a passion, BUT hopefully it will help you plan ahead for what can be a very challenging and difficult time.

I witnessed first-hand many Christmas tragedies in my 30-year police career. My family support me and give me some emotional ‘wriggle room’ and allow me to ‘have a moment’. That support, and the existence of a safety net if I need it, is what gets me through the holiday period. I am aware now with hindsight that I did not process my own past traumas as best as I could have, which is why having a support bubble is so important.

This year may be more challenging for many of us regardless of our ‘normality’ so try to adjust our narrative around the child and indeed our own families.

I’ll  leave you all with the advice that we as carers should take from A Christmas Carol. A child may have ghosts from a Christmas past that are haunting their Christmas present BUT we can make sure that the child can work towards developing a real Christmas future.

Acknowledgements:

1.     Roy Wood and Wizzard. I wish it could be Christmas every day. Sony/ATV music publishing

2.     A Christmas Carol: Charles Dickens. First published 1843 by Chapman & hall

3.     Lemn Sissay OBE. [email protected]