I Wasn't Born a Gang Member or a Criminal

By John Jackson

By doing this exercise, I’ve learned that my consequence trail is filled with choices that show how desperately I've sought acceptance and belonging all of my life. I didn’t have the tools then, but I can see it looking back: my pattern of seeking acceptance started right after my mother’s death. The photo below is of me and my mom, Genevieve, and the only photo I have of her and me together.

Taking a drug charge for my aunt was one way I sought her acceptance. In prison, I wanted to be accepted and seen by the homies, so I committed acts of violence and engaged in criminal activity.

This exercise was sobering. I’ve prided myself on being independent. Realizing that I’ve been on a lifelong quest for acceptance is a hard pill to swallow.

I also realized that rejection is one of my main triggers. When rejected, I become more aware of my need for acceptance (and lack of it). Rejection and the lack of acceptance have caused me to rebel; my pride and stubbornness kick in. I shut out the people I love in an attempt to prevent more pain from rejection.

Realizing that I’ve been on a lifelong quest for acceptance is a hard pill to swallow.

I can’t avoid rejection, but I can learn to cope more maturely with it. I can start by analyzing my thoughts, and then my feelings when I first encounter rejection. I can improve my positive self-talk to remind myself I am enough and that when someone rejects me, it is not a reflection of who I am.

I can also realize that my need for acceptance has led me to unhealthy behaviors in the past. The more I accept myself for the awesome Honey Badger I am, the less I will rely on external acceptance. The more I allow myself to receive love, compliments, and goodness from others, the more I realize how acceptable I am. Realizing that I’ve been on a lifelong quest for acceptance is a hard pill to swallow.