Of Death. Of Loss. Of Lessons.

This is going to be very personal. Yesterday, around noon, I came to know from a business acquaintance, that his friend lost his 24 yr old son in a car accident, not far from our town. This news jolted me and brought back extremely painful memories. For I know very intimately what loss of life is – especially unexpected loss. And what it does to families.

I lost my younger sister - also a young, bright, beautiful 24 year old in a car accident some years ago.

I was 25 then, blissfully unaware of matters of death and loss. That one event changed many lives, forever. So, when he narrated of the sudden loss of life of this 24 yr. old young man - it shook me to my core – again.

What I profoundly realised then, some 10 years ago, and unfortunately also often notice now, is that the world we inhabit, likes mostly to live oblivious to grief and all things painful. That we humans, are quite brilliant at celebrating, congratulating and cheering on our victories, and that of our loved ones. But when it comes to profound loss and grief, many of us are still thoroughly unequipped or absolutely clueless on how to respond. We are still not truly ready to embrace and consciously respond to loss, pain, and grief. Even though, loss and death do eventually show up in all of our lives, in some form or another, at one time or another. I write this, because I experienced it first hand.

It is important, no in fact it is crucial, that we all create ecosystems, be it in professional or personal settings, where grief is embraced with the same intensity as joy, and dealt with even more tenderness. Humans have a tendency to shy away from grief, to try to escape from it by self-harm. It can be by overindulging in alcohol, drug addictions, over-eating, workaholism, digital addictions and many more harmful ways. It is time we develop the courage and compassion to face and embrace our own traumas, and to help our loved ones to deal with theirs.

At the time of my loss, I experienced first-hand how people responded to me. Some became suddenly alienated and distant, clearly very uncomfortable and clueless on how to respond, others asked highly inappropriate questions regarding the details of the demise, some made highly insensitive remarks in the likes of "It all happens for a good reason", “Be happy, the young shall go to heaven”. I do not blame anyone, on the contrary, I know it might have been unknown territory for them too. Just like it was for me.

However, at that time, it was only a few who really stood out - who knew how to respond with sensitivity, care, and a deep empathy towards my very broken human condition called “grieving”. I remain ever grateful to them for their patience. And below are somethings I learnt that help:

1.???? Actions: Be proactive. The grieving might be too shy, broken or both to actively ask for help. Let the grieving know you are there for them. Cook for them, offer to clean for them, take their kids to school, walk their dog, make a hairdressing appointment for them, or assist them at their work assignments if they are a beloved colleague. Be a pillar of support and strength. Act and show it.

2.???? Consistent Check-ins: Check in with them at least once a week, depending on how close you are to them. Keep it short and polite, but tell them you are there for them. You do not need big words or eloquent sentences. Just a small 1 min. call will suffice. Grief isolates like nothing else. People going through grief often feel alienated, lonely and isolated. Let them know, they are not alone. If they prefer alone time, respect it, but let them know you are there.

3.???? Respect the Remembrance: If they want to, allow them to talk about the deceased. Do not be uncomfortable when they do share their memories. They might want to talk about their son, daughter, sister, brother, grandma, whoever has passed away. It is a way of keeping the gone alive and cherished. Be a good listener and respect the remembrance. P.S. Do not poke them if it is too sensitive a topic.

4.???? Do not Judge the Grieving: Grief takes time to heal. There are no deadlines to it. It takes a lifetime. Do not judge them if they happen to break down and cry all of a sudden in the office, in the bus, or at social functions. Do not admonish them if they are late for meetings, or are underperforming at work. Trauma needs a whole lot of strength to deal with, and trust me, they are in survival mode. I have been there. Be patient. Be kind. Give them time. Lots of it.

5.???? Nature: Go out for walks with them or encourage them to go out in nature. Nature heals like nothing else.

6.???? Counselling: Get them in touch with a good grief counsellor or a therapist. Sudden losses or deaths, esp. violent ones like car accidents bring with them an onslaught of trauma, fear and shock. Unfortunately, our social systems are still ill equipped to support us humans when such things happen. We do not have robust 5-year healing plans from governments or healthcare systems, on how to recover from sudden life-changing trauma. In such situations, when our close family members or best friends are clueless on how to support us, a good therapist can help. Nudge them to get help and offer them good counselling contacts.

7.???? Books & online groups: When I lost my younger sister, I knew literally no one around me who had gone through the same life experience at that age. I had no one to talk to. In addition, I was in a new country, with no family or close friends to support me. So, I latched on to self-help books and joined several online forums. Books and online platforms can be a place to learn from and share your pain with those who are or have gone through the same genuine loss. This is a tool that will help. I guarantee.

These seven tools when applied consistently, can help your loved ones to emerge from drowning in the endless black sea of pain that trauma often pushes them in.

I am not the only one in this world who has lived through a profound loss. I have survived, so have others. I share this part of myself today and write this from my heart. With the profound hope, that each one of us develops a deep sensitivity, strength and compassion towards loss, pain and grief.

That we all collectively, have at least a few tools to deal with loss – be it our own or of those close to us.

R.I.P. Ima (I love you forever)

R.I.P. The young man who lost his life in the car accident at Vilsbiburg.

(Mein Herzliches Beileid)

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