I want to talk about overcoming setbacks.

When Infosys came to my undergrad campus for placements, in a class of 120, I was one of the two people who didn’t clear their aptitude test.?

Prior to that, I didn’t get into the IITs, despite dropping a year.?

Even before that, I was doing terribly at school, because PCM was just too much for me, and I wasn’t expecting that much rigour in school.?

Setbacks are part and parcel of life.?        

Personally, I've faced my fair share of detours caused by mistakes, taking things too personally, and not following my instincts. These setbacks have led to confusion, self-doubt, and frustration. But I've come to realize that setbacks aren't dead ends—they're opportunities for growth. As cliche as it sounds, in hindsight, all these setbacks make complete sense.?

In this edition, I explore the idea of seeing setbacks as opportunities to shift your mindset.

Let’s talk some more about setbacks?

Setbacks come in various forms—whether it's making a wrong decision, taking things too personally, or simply facing unexpected challenges. These setbacks can shake our confidence and leave us feeling lost.

What's important to understand is that setbacks are a natural part of life. Setbacks don’t discriminate—they happen to everyone.?

It's crucial to recognize the emotional toll that setbacks can take. It's easy to get caught up in negative thoughts and feel like you have failed.

But here's the thing—setbacks aren't permanent. They're temporary roadblocks. And by understanding the nature of setbacks and their emotional impact, we can begin to identify our patterns, and shift our perspective.

Can we use setbacks as powerful mirrors of ourselves??

Setbacks can reflect our patterns back at us, especially if we continue to have these kinds of breakdowns.?

For example,?

• I don’t get along with any of my bosses.?
• I constantly feel neglected by my partners.?
• I feel the need to question everybody’s intent.?
• I feel like I am dismissed and invalidated when I speak up.?
• I procrastinate a lot when it comes to tough conversations about money.?

You get the drift. Here's how setbacks can help us identify our patterns and shift our perspective:

Trigger Recognition: Setbacks often arise due to specific triggers or circumstances. By examining the events leading up to a setback, we can identify patterns in our behavior, thoughts, and reactions. For example, we might notice a tendency to procrastinate when faced with a challenging task or a habit of seeking validation from others before making decisions.

Self-reflection: When we encounter setbacks, we're forced to pause and reflect on what went wrong. This introspection can reveal underlying patterns in our beliefs, attitudes, and actions. For instance, we might realize that our fear of abandonment leads us to seek more and more physical and emotional intimacy from our partners.

Perspective Shift: Experiencing setbacks can challenge our existing beliefs and assumptions, prompting us to question our perspective. For example, a setback might force us to reconsider what we truly want out of life, and our definition of success, or confront our fear of failure.

Let’s set some guidelines first about shifting perspectives on setbacks

Changing how we view setbacks can make all the difference in how we navigate them. Instead of seeing setbacks as failures, we can choose to view them as opportunities for reflection and action.

It's essential to understand that -?

1. Setbacks are not indicators of our worth or abilities. Making a mistake or facing a challenge doesn't mean we're inadequate—it simply means we're human. By separating our self-worth from our setbacks, we can approach them with a clearer mind and a more positive outlook.
2. Setbacks are temporary obstacles rather than permanent roadblocks. While setbacks may slow us down temporarily, they don't have to derail our progress entirely. If you reflect and plan, then you might actually find that some of them are adequately manageable.
3. Setbacks shouldn’t isolate us from people who love us. It’s okay to feel disappointed and sad. It’s not okay to push people away or not ask for help. Some setbacks might require you to cross over a larger energy barrier. Seek help.?

What does one do about the discomfort that a setback brings in its wake??

A setback is often emotional and high-stakes for us. That’s why its called a setback. Reeling from it is, in itself, an emotional process.?

Setbacks bring a lot of discomfort. We are made to confront quite a few beliefs and assumptions about ourselves and about the people in our lives.?

I am sharing here some practical strategies that I have employed time and again to navigate these moments. I believe that resilience can be cultivated, and eventually we learn to manage our setbacks and our feelings about those setbacks better.?

Deep Breathing and Mindfulness: In moments of discomfort, I practice deep breathing and mindfulness techniques to center and calm myself. Pull up any transcendental meditation music from YouTube, close your eyes, lie down, or sit up, and stay still till the music finishes.?

Identify and Challenge Negative Talk: When I see myself going down the self criticism or negative self-talk route, I quickly switch myself to being my friend. And how I talk to myself is how I would talk to a friend in that situation. I believe I’m a fairly empathetic person, and so my self-talk evolves into one of support and nurture. I ask myself if my feelings are based on facts or assumptions, and then take it from there.

Take a time out: I usually need space and movement to regulate myself. Which usually translates to going for a walk by myself. I feel better in my head after the walk. And if I am able to throw in some quick spot jogging or a few pushups, even better.?

Seek Support: I don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family members, or mentors for support during challenging times. Sharing my feelings and experiences with others has often provided me with perspective, and encouragement.

Focus on Solutions: I try to break down the problem into smaller, manageable steps and take action to move forward one step at a time.?

*****

Setbacks leave us feeling disheartened. There’s no way around that. And they especially feel so when we compare our journey to those who seem to have stayed on track without faltering.?

It's essential to recognize that setbacks are an inherent part of forging our unique path, and they look different for different people. While you may think that others are better adjusted, and seem to have a clear blueprint for success, it usually is not so. And our journey is distinctly our own, with its twists, turns, and unexpected detours.

Eventually, we recognize that our worth is not measured by our ability to avoid setbacks but by our capacity to rise above them. By trusting in our resilience, embracing discomfort, and cultivating a reflective mindset, we can navigate setbacks with grace and emerge stronger, and wiser.