I, THIS, AND US - HOW TO REBUILD A RELATIONSHIP
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"I, THIS, AND US
?I don't know what paths I'll take, but I know which ones I won't follow again.
I don't know what mistakes lie ahead, but I know which ones I won't repeat.
I don't know how I'll face the challenges that arise, but I know which ones I won't avoid.
I don't know what challenges we'll face, but I know I'll fight to overcome them.
I don't know what difficulties will arise, but I know I won't give up easily.
I don't know how I'll face the obstacles that present themselves, but I know I'll give it my best.
I don't know how I'll express my admiration for you every day, but I know I'll make every effort.
I don't know how I'll show my love for you every day, but I know which gestures I won't fail to make.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know I'll strive to build a bright future by your side, and I know I want to be with you.
Because often, it is in struggle and perseverance that we find the true meaning of our battles.
The truth is, the future is a blank canvas, waiting to be filled,
And I want to paint this canvas by your side, with vibrant colors of happiness.
Because, in the end, it is in our struggle and perseverance,
That we will find true fulfillment and happiness, side by side.
(Marcello de Souza)"
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Have you ever heard of the principle of I, This, and Us as an essential approach to building and maintaining healthy relationships? Today, I'd like to share with you this perspective that I've used with many couples seeking guidance to regain balance and resolve issues that often make relationships toxic. Shall we explore together?
To begin with, it's crucial to understand that emotions play a crucial role in a healthy relationship. Emotions are not a choice; they constantly influence us, and at times, we feel lost in how to deal with a world that affects us in various ways.
Despite feeling like we lose control at times, it's important to remember that we've gotten here through choices. Every choice we make, even if it's not the healthiest, reflects what we value in relation to our emotions at that moment. Sometimes, our choices may be a way to avoid or escape what really matters, simply because we're not yet ready to make more conscious choices different from the ones we made before.
This dynamic is part of life: we're shaped by our experiences and learn from them, seeking to make more conscious decisions in the future. It's through these experiences that we recognize what we need to do in the next moment of our lives. Along the same lines, it's crucial to understand that every moment in life is unique and unrepeatable. Nothing remains static, and everything presents itself as a new and virginal opportunity. Each moment is what it should be, a manifestation of the world we've built for ourselves through our past experiences.
However, it's important to acknowledge that we can unconsciously sabotage ourselves. The world we create in each present moment is a consequence of the choices we make, both consciously and unconsciously. Some choose to deny their own lives due to a lack of self-awareness and resistance to change, while others strive to learn and evolve constantly. It's all a matter of being aware of what really matters.
Just as we can't create a new moment without starting from the one we've already experienced, our interpretation of the world and our actions are shaped by the experiences we've accumulated throughout life. We can choose to live under the limiting beliefs imposed on us by our experiential experience, building a restricted reality for ourselves. On the other hand, we can use these same beliefs as a basis for learning and growth, empowering ourselves to face new challenges and deal with emotions more constructively.
It's important to understand that part of our actions is unconscious, a result of the bets our brain makes for the next moment based on what it already knows or thinks it knows. However, our consciousness has the power to direct our choices and determine what we want for our lives. By cultivating self-awareness and awareness of what matters, we can transform our experiences into opportunities for growth and personal fulfillment.
I hope you now understand that when we are in a relationship and start to judge, criticize, and see flaws in the other person, we are actually evaluating ourselves, often engaging in self-criticism. We are often talking about our own experiences, our beliefs, and what we see is a dark reflection of who we are. What I mean is that we cannot become the other person, only ourselves, and what the other person represents to us is partly within us.
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We don't create anything out of nothing; we need to have a base, an internal foundation, based on our beliefs and truths, to be able to point fingers at others and say what is right and wrong. In the human dynamic, it is much easier for us to point out to others what belongs to us. We humans have a lot of difficulty accepting who we are.
Within us lies a complex self, formed by an interplay of our genetics, childhood experiences, and lifelong learning that mix and match, sometimes in our favor, but at other times distance us from much of what could bring us joy instead of fear of living. This complexity leads us to create parallel realities and to wear masks in an attempt to be recognized and accepted. However, these masks often distance us from true connection with others, as they prevent us from presenting ourselves fully, exposing what we fear seeing in ourselves.
The fear of exposure is subjective and belongs to each of us. It influences many of our decisions and can lead to disillusionments throughout life. Recognizing and confronting this fear is essential for cultivating authentic and meaningful relationships, where we can express ourselves freely and truly connect with others.
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ME, THAT, AND US
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After this extensive and necessary introduction, I want you to now understand how much the proposal of Me, That, and Us can make a difference in human relationships, especially in affective ones. The result of our affections has a lot to do with how and what we prioritize in our relationships. It is common for us, in our interpersonal relationships, to be driven by a series of desires and behaviors that, although they may seem natural, often undermine the health and happiness of these relationships. These impulses, motivated by a constant search for validation, control, and superiority, can have a significant impact on our ability to build deep and meaningful connections with others.
When we constantly seek to prove our worth and superiority, we often adopt behaviors that are harmful to both our emotional well-being and that of our partners. In this discussion, for example, I can explore some of the most common impulses that sabotage our affective relationships and how we can recognize and overcome them to cultivate more authentic and healthy connections. When left unchecked, these impulses can seriously harm affective relationships, undermining trust, communication, and intimacy between partners.
? We want to impose our will to feel in control.
? We always want to have the last word to feel superior.
? We constantly seek approval to feel validated.
? We want to avoid conflict at all costs to maintain a positive image.
? We want to manipulate situations to achieve our own interests.
? We want to exalt our achievements to feel superior to others.
? We want to ignore the partner's needs to prioritize our own.
? We want to control the other's behavior to feel secure.
? We want to compete with the partner to stand out individually.
? We want to project our insecurities onto the relationship to avoid confronting them.
Of course, there are many other issues that could be exposed here as motivators; however, what matters is understanding that there is no shortage of reasons in daily life that misalign relationships, and that's where I want to explore with you the exercise of Me, That, and Us. Let's better understand what each of them means:
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ME: EXPLORING THE INDIVIDUAL ESSENCE
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At the core of every human being lies the Self, a complex singularity of experiences, emotions, and thoughts that form the individual essence of each one of us. It is in this inner space where we find our deepest dreams, our most intimate desires, and our hidden fears. It is where virtues and imperfections intertwine, where beliefs coexist with insecurities and traumas, shaping our unique and singular identity.
In the theory of affections, the Self is the epicenter of primary emotions, those that resonate in the depths of our psyche: radiant joy, heartbreaking sadness, burning anger, and paralyzing fear. These emotions not only permeate our being but also shape our interactions and choices within the relationship. They manifest in the words we choose to say, in the gestures we choose to make, and in the decisions we make alongside our partner.
Understanding and exploring the Self is an essential journey of self-awareness and self-discovery for the flourishing of a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, each individual must have clarity that this Self is unique and relates to their own essence, understanding their deepest emotional and psychological needs. This understanding not only allows for authentic communication but also promotes a healthy expression of feelings, creating a solid foundation for emotional connection and continuous personal development.
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When we allow ourselves to dive into the depths of our Self, embracing both the light and the shadow within us, we open the doors to true and genuine intimacy in the relationship. It is through this process of self-awareness and acceptance that we become capable of sharing our most authentic essence in our affections, thus creating a connection based on mutual understanding, respect, and unconditional love. The dimensions of the Self can be represented by:
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? Deep Self-Knowledge: The Self is the epicenter of primary emotions, which resonate deeply in the human psyche: radiant joy, heartbreaking sadness, burning anger, and paralyzing fear. Understanding these emotions is a journey of self-awareness and self-discovery, essential for the flourishing of a healthy relationship. It is through this dive into the depths of the Self that one achieves a clearer understanding of their own emotional and psychological needs.
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? Authentic Expression of Feelings: Understanding the Self allows for authentic communication and a healthy expression of feelings, creating a solid foundation for emotional connection and continuous personal development. It is essential that each partner has clarity about their own essence, as this promotes mutual understanding and respect within the relationship.
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? Acceptance of Light and Shadow: By diving into the depths of the Self, embracing both the light and the shadow within oneself, individuals open the doors to true and genuine intimacy in the relationship. It is through this process of self-awareness and acceptance that they become capable of sharing their most authentic essence in their affections, creating a connection based on mutual understanding, respect, and unconditional love.
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By understanding and honoring the Self, partners can cultivate a deep and meaningful connection in the relationship, where true empathy and mutual acceptance become the pillars of the shared journey. It is within this space of self-awareness and acceptance that the strongest emotional bonds flourish, sustaining the relationship through all its nuances and challenges.
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THAT: SHARING PURPOSES AND GOALS
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At the core of a healthy relationship lies the concept of That, which represents the convergence of shared purposes and goals between two people. It is the meeting point where individualities intertwine in a joint vision for the future, where each person's dreams merge into a common journey. In the theory of affections, That is intrinsically linked to social emotions, those that nurture emotional bonds and strengthen mutual commitment: deep love, sincere gratitude, unwavering solidarity, admiration and respect, and unconditional commitment.
Having clarity about That is essential for cultivating a meaningful and lasting connection in the relationship. It involves aligning expectations and aspirations, establishing a solid foundation for collaboration and joint growth, always respecting each other. This means defining individual and shared goals, resolving conflicts constructively, and nurturing a shared vision for the future. It is the mutual commitment that drives the couple to face challenges together, celebrate achievements together, and build a life full of meaning and purpose.
By embracing That, the couple becomes co-authors of their own story, navigating life's turbulent waters with confidence and determination. It is in this space of collaboration and mutual understanding that the relationship flourishes, enriched by the synchronicity of two souls sharing a common journey. That is the bond that unites hearts, the beacon that guides the way, and the driving force that propels love to transcend adversities and become eternal. The dimensions of That are:
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? A Healthy Relationship: The "Us" manifests as the convergence of shared purposes and goals between two kindred souls. It's the point where individualities merge into a common vision for the future, where each other's dreams intertwine in a journey of mutual growth and fulfillment.
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? Aligning Expectations and Aspirations: In the "Us," couples find common ground to align their expectations and future aspirations. It's a space where clarity of purpose and defining individual and shared goals provide a solid foundation for collaboration and mutual growth.
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? Constructive Conflict Resolution: The "Us" requires the ability to resolve conflicts constructively, turning challenges into opportunities for learning and mutual strengthening. It's by facing adversities together that partners bond even more, showing mutual respect and commitment to the relationship.
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? Nurturing a Shared Vision: Cultivating a shared vision for the future is essential in the "Us," as it allows couples to have purpose and direction in their journey together. It's the mutual commitment to building a life filled with meaning and purpose, celebrating achievements together and facing challenges with courage and determination.
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By embracing the "Us," partners become co-authors of their own story, navigating the turbulent waters of life with confidence and determination. It's in this space of collaboration and mutual understanding where the relationship flourishes, enriched by the synchronicity of two souls sharing a common journey. The "Us" is the bond that unites hearts, the beacon that guides the way, and the driving force that propels love through adversities, making it eternal.
That's why on life's grand stage, the "Us" is the centerpiece that unites two souls on a shared journey of growth, learning, and love. It's a delicate dance of giving and receiving, of mutually supporting each other as we navigate the turbulent waters of existence. May we cultivate and nurture the "Us" in our relationships, always remembering the transformative power of true love and genuine connection.
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After delving into the dynamics of the Self, This, and Us in depth, it becomes evident that congruence among these elements is essential for the flourishing of healthy and fulfilling relationships. The Self represents our individual essence, the This symbolizes shared purposes, and the Us is the ultimate expression of deep connection between two people.
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However, it's common to face challenges along this journey. Often, discrepancies among the Self, This, and Us can lead to conflicts and misalignments in relationships, making it difficult to build a solid and lasting foundation. When the Self conflicts with the This, or when the Us is neglected in favor of individualistic Self, the relationship's foundations may weaken, leading to a lack of mutual understanding, empathy, and respect.
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It's important to recognize that true harmony in a relationship arises when there's congruence among these three elements. When the Self aligns with the shared purposes of the This, and both merge into a deep and meaningful connection in the Us, the relationship thrives. It's in this space of mutual understanding, unconditional support, and genuine acceptance that true love can flourish and grow stronger over time.
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SELF – THIS; SELF – US AND THIS – US
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I invite you now to reflect on how these principles apply to your own life and relationships. Below, I'll provide an in-depth exploration of a relationship where imbalance occurs, where there's only: self – this; self – us, and this – us.
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"SELF" AND "THIS"
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Through this self-analysis and reflection, crucial steps for personal growth and relationship improvement, I invite you to analyze your responses, considering the following questions when a relationship is based solely on Self and This:
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? Excessive Individualism: In a relationship where only Self and This predominate, individualism tends to be exacerbated. Partners may prioritize their own needs, desires, and interests above those of others, resulting in a lack of consideration and mutual care.
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? Unrestrained Narcissism: Narcissism, characterized by excessive self-concern and a constant quest for admiration and validation, may manifest unchecked in relationships focused only on Self and This. Partners may be more concerned with maintaining an image of themselves than nurturing an authentic connection with others.
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? Rampant Selfishness: Selfishness, which manifests in prioritizing personal interests over those of a partner, can be a dominant characteristic in relationships where Self and This are the only present elements. Partners may act selfishly, seeking only to satisfy their own needs, without considering the impact of their actions on the relationship.
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? Lack of Empathy and Understanding: Individualism, narcissism, and selfishness can contribute to a lack of empathy and understanding between partners. They may be so focused on themselves that they struggle to recognize and validate each other's feelings and needs, resulting in frequent conflicts and superficial emotional connections.
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? Inequality and Imbalance: In relationships where Self and This are predominant, there may be a power imbalance and a lack of balance in responsibilities and contributions from each partner. One partner may end up dominating the relationship, while the other feels neglected or subjugated, leading to resentments and unresolved conflicts.
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? Stagnation and Lack of Growth: Individualism, narcissism, and selfishness can hinder personal and joint growth for partners. They may become stuck in self-destructive and dysfunctional behavior patterns, preventing them from reaching their full potential and enjoying a healthy and satisfying relationship.
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In fact, a relationship based only on "Self" and "This" can indeed become toxic. When there's an excessive focus on Self, extreme individualism can arise, where one or both partners prioritize only their own needs, disregarding those of the other. This can lead to selfishness, where each person is only concerned with themselves, without considering the impact of their actions on the relationship.
On the other hand, when the dynamic is dominated by "This," where shared purposes and goals are emphasized at the expense of individualities, a loss of personal identity can occur. In this scenario, partners may feel smothered or neglected, as their individual needs and desires may be ignored in favor of the joint vision for the future.
This lack of balance between Self and This can create an unequal and harmful relationship, where one partner may feel subjugated or undervalued. The relationship can become controlling, with one partner seeking to dominate the other, imposing their will and undermining the other's autonomy.
This dynamic often leads to a cycle of toxic behavior, where there's emotional manipulation, psychological abuse, and a lack of mutual respect. The absence of genuine communication and empathy can fuel resentments and constant conflicts, gradually undermining the emotional health and well-being of both partners.
Ultimately, a relationship based only on "Self" and "This," without the healthy balance of "Us," can become toxic due to excessive individualism, selfishness, loss of personal identity, and lack of mutual communication and empathy.
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"ME" AND "US"
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It's important to recognize and address these challenges to cultivate a more balanced and healthy relationship, where both parties feel valued and respected as unique individuals. Therefore, I invite you to reflect on issues to consider when a relationship is based on Me and Us:
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? Excessive Individualism: In a dynamic where Me and Us prevail, there can be an excess of individualism, where partners prioritize their own needs and interests over those of the relationship. This can result in a lack of collaboration and common commitment, leading to emotional disconnection and lack of mutual support.
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? Lack of Autonomy and Personal Identity: Excessive focus on Us can lead to the loss of each partner's individuality. They may merge so much into the relationship that they lose sight of their own needs, desires, and identities. This can create a feeling of suffocation and lack of personal freedom.
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? Emotional Dependency: In relationships where Me is subjugated in favor of Us, excessive emotional dependency can arise. One partner may become emotionally dependent on the other to validate their own existence and happiness, leading to an unbalanced and unhealthy dynamic.
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? Difficulty Establishing Healthy Boundaries: The lack of clarity between Me and Us can make it difficult to define healthy boundaries in the relationship. Partners may struggle to identify where their own needs end and the other's begin, leading to unresolved conflicts and resentments.
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? Loss of Individuality and Self-expression: Me may feel stifled and repressed in a relationship where Us is prioritized above all else. This can lead to the suppression of individual expression and a feeling of not being truly understood or valued by the partner.
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? Difficulty Dealing with Changes and Challenges: When the relationship is the primary focus, partners may struggle to deal with external changes and challenges. They may feel lost or disoriented when faced with situations that require flexibility and adaptation, as they are so focused on Us that they neglect Me.
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These are some of the issues that can arise in a relationship where only Me and Us prevail. These dynamics can lead to a range of emotional and interpersonal challenges that can undermine the health and happiness of the relationship. It's important to recognize these patterns and work to promote a healthy balance between Me and Us, where each partner feels valued, respected, and free to be truly themselves.
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"THAT" AND THE "US"
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In a relationship where That and Us are predominant, problems can arise that negatively affect the emotional health and well-being of partners. Here are some ways this can happen:
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? Loss of Individual Identity: When the main focus is on shared purposes and objectives (That), partners may neglect their individual identities. This can lead to a sense of loss of autonomy and self-expression, where each partner feels erased within the relationship.
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? Suppression of Individual Needs: Excessive emphasis on Us can lead to the suppression of each partner's individual needs. They may feel compelled to sacrifice their own desires and interests for the sake of the relationship, which can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration.
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? Excessive Emotional Dependence: In a relationship where That is prioritized over Me, excessive emotional dependence on the partner may arise. This can create an unequal dynamic, where one partner becomes emotionally dependent on the other for their happiness and well-being.
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? Lack of Autonomy and Freedom: The relentless pursuit of shared purposes and objectives can limit the autonomy and freedom of each partner. They may feel they have no room to grow and develop as individuals within the relationship, leading to feelings of confinement and emotional claustrophobia.
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? Conflict of Interests and Priorities: Constant alignment with the purposes and objectives of the relationship can lead to conflicts when partners' individual interests and priorities clash with Us. This can create tensions and resentments within the relationship, undermining harmony and cohesion.
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? Lack of Space for Personal Expression: In a relationship where Us is valued above all else, there may be a lack of space for personal expression and individuality. Partners may feel they are not allowed to express their true feelings and opinions, leading to feelings of suffocation and repression.
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"ME" AND "US"
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These are just a few examples of how a relationship based predominantly on "That" and "Us" can become toxic. It's important to recognize these patterns and seek ways to promote a more balanced and healthy dynamic within the relationship. From there, I hope to assist you in understanding the impact of the lack of harmony between me, that, and us. Additionally, I present several questions for you to reflect on your relationship today. This will help answer questions like: How can you cultivate greater congruence between Me, That, and Us in your daily interactions? What steps can you take to promote greater understanding, empathy, and respect in your relationships? Remember that, just as a masterpiece requires time, effort, and dedication, nurturing and cultivating relationships is also necessary for them to thrive and flourish fully. May this reflection guide you on your journey towards healthier, meaningful, and fulfilling relationships.
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LET'S PRACTICE
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1. ME AND THAT
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I want to invite you now to do a brief exercise with me for awareness. The rule is simple, you will take a paper and a pen and answer the questions in order – this is essential for you to explore harmoniously how your relationship is today. Let's practice?
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? How do you feel about the current dynamics of your relationship? Do you believe there is a healthy balance between individual needs and shared goals?
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? What are your main motivations and priorities within the relationship? Do you tend to prioritize your own interests and desires or constantly seek to align with the purposes and goals of the couple?
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? How do you handle conflicts and misunderstandings in the relationship? Do you usually impose your will or seek to resolve issues collaboratively and constructively?
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? Do you feel truly heard and understood by your partner? Or are your individual needs often overridden in favor of the relationship's interests?
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? Is there a pattern of control or manipulation in your relationship? Do you or your partner tend to impose your will on the other, ignoring or minimizing their emotional and psychological needs?
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? Do you feel that your personal identity is being respected and valued within the relationship? Or do you feel pressured to conform to a joint vision for the future that may not align with your own aspirations and desires?
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? How do you deal with moments of conflict between your individual needs and the interests of the relationship? Do you feel comfortable expressing your concerns and boundaries, or do you tend to sacrifice your own needs for apparent harmony?
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2. ME AND US
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I want to invite you now to do a brief exercise with me for awareness. The rule is the same, you will take a paper and a pen and answer the questions before reading the next one – this is essential for you to explore harmoniously how your relationship is today. Let's practice?
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? How do you feel about the current dynamics of your relationship? Do you perceive an imbalance between the time and energy devoted to your individual needs versus the needs of the relationship as a whole?
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? Do you feel suffocated or restricted in your individual expression within the relationship? Do you have space to pursue your personal interests, hobbies, and friendships outside the relationship, or do you feel your choices are constantly shaped by the couple's interests?
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? Is there a tendency towards codependency or emotional fusion in your relationship? Do you struggle to establish healthy boundaries and maintain your emotional independence, or are your emotions and identity often influenced by the relationship's dynamics?
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? How do you deal with the conflict between your individual needs and the interests of the relationship? Do you tend to prioritize the well-being of the couple at the expense of your own needs, or can you find a healthy balance between self-care and collaboration in the relationship?
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? Do you feel truly valued and respected as an individual within the relationship? Or are your opinions, desires, and aspirations often overridden in favor of the couple's harmony and stability?
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? Is there a sense of excessive sacrifice in your relationship, where you constantly find yourself giving up your own needs and desires to maintain peace and stability?
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? Do you feel that your personal identity is being lost or diluted within the relationship? Or are you able to maintain a strong connection to your individual essence while sharing your life with your partner?
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3. THAT AND US
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I want to invite you now to do a brief exercise with me for awareness. The rule is the same, you will take a paper and a pen and answer the questions before reading the next one – this is essential for you to explore harmoniously how your relationship is today. Let's practice?
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? How would you describe the dynamics of your relationship currently?
? Reflect and write about how you perceive the interaction between shared purposes and objectives (the "That") and emotional connection and mutual collaboration (the "Us").
? What are the main purposes and objectives that you and your partner share?
? Think and write about the common goals you seek to achieve together and how this impacts the dynamics of the relationship.
? Do you feel that your individual needs are recognized and respected within the relationship?
? Consider and write whether you have space to express your own needs and desires, or if they are overridden in favor of the relationship's goals.
? How do you deal with conflicts and differences of opinion within the relationship?
? Reflect and
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?write about how you work together to resolve differences and if there is space to express different viewpoints without fear of judgment or retaliation.
? Do you feel emotionally dependent on your partner for your happiness and well-being?
? Analyze and write if you excessively rely on the relationship to fulfill your individual emotional needs or if you can find a balance between emotional connection and personal autonomy.
? How do you balance individual interests and priorities with shared purposes and objectives?
? Think and write about how you negotiate and compromise to ensure that both partners feel valued and respected within the relationship.
? Do you feel you have enough space to grow and develop as an individual within the relationship?
? Consider and write whether you feel free to explore new opportunities and pursue your own interests and passions, or if you feel limited by the relationship.
? How do you promote open communication and mutual empathy within the relationship?
? Reflect and write about how you strive to understand and support each other emotionally, even when facing challenges or conflicts.
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These questions can help you explore more deeply the dynamics of your relationship and identify areas of strength and potential improvement. Remember to take time to reflect honestly on your answers before discussing them with your partner.
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THANK YOU FOR READING AND SEEING MARCELLO DE SOUZA IN ANOTHER EXCLUSIVE PUBLICATION ABOUT HUMAN BEHAVIOR
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Hello, I'm Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large company in the IT and Telecommunications market. Since then, I have participated in important projects of structuring, implementation, and optimization of telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about behavioral and social psychology. In 2008, I decided to delve into the universe of the human mind.
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Since then, I have become a professional passionate about deciphering the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. Doctor in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Human Organizational Development. With a wide-ranging career, I highlight my role as:
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- Master Senior Coach and Trainer: Guiding my clients in the pursuit of goals and personal and professional development, achieving extraordinary results.
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My solid academic background includes four postgraduates and a doctorate in Social Psychology, along with international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My contributions in the field are widely recognized in hundreds of classes, training sessions, conferences, and published articles.
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Co-author of the book "The Secret of Coaching" and author of "The Map Is Not the Territory, the Territory Is You" and "The Diet Society" (the first of a trilogy on human behavior in contemporaneity - 05/2024).
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Allow me to be your companion on this journey of self-discovery and success. Together, we will unravel a universe of behavioral possibilities and achieve extraordinary results.
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