‘I’ Through ‘You’

‘I’ through ‘You’

As a communication coach for many years I have found a truth in learning for which I have no doubt. Only a small minority of us are highly capable of listening with an open mind, taking direction and learning and then committing to the slow process of change. Most people are afraid of change and personal transformation. Perhaps they are afraid of the commitment or perhaps it is the fear of failure or even the fear of success…but the fact is that most people will only change with the tide of change. And so it is with humanity as a whole.?

“There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which taken at the flood leads on to fortune.”?

From Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare.

To survive as a species and protect our beautiful world we must learn how to turn the tide. What that requires is a very long term and global view. As the terrible tragedy unfolds in the Ukraine we all watch on, helpless, as the blue and yellow becomes drenched in red. ?

Watch Ukrainian’s President Zelenskyy’s powerful plea to the Americans to ‘Close the sky’ and if you have tears prepare to shed them. His call to action was not just for immediate help but also for a new world alliance. The old alliances are not working effectively enough. We need more than the high distance power of geopolitical alliances to change to world. A new alliance requires all communities to be represented. Industry and social groups from around the globe need a representative seat at the table and a clear voice. All those who care for peace should have the power to keep it so that all those who strive for peace can galvanise the world to win it! But we all know that even with these sweeping changes civilisation is a thin veil. Lift the veil and a primitive barbarian stares back. How can we learn, evolve and transform from this to a species that’s learned to live with the world rather than against it? We are black, white, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Atheist…We are American, Chinese, Russian, Ukrainian, German, French, British, African, Asian, Icelandic - our diversity is endless but we are also simply human. Division and chaos will keep us apart and if we keep going on the current path of division and enmity we will surely die as one.?

We have a universe to explore together. What will become of us in 100 years? A thousand years? Imagine for a moment that we think bigger, rather than stay focussed on our momentary concerns that will pass just as we ourselves pass on, that instead, we focus on changing the tide, diverting the river - stone by slippery stone. What can we do now to protect and help develop our children? The simple (perhaps too simple) answer is to make wisdom second nature and nurture a global mind set. Perhaps we will find that the stones we set in place to divert the river are education and values, the very things we find most difficult to agree on and implement. We find it difficult because we live short lives and care too much for the now - short term satisfaction. You can be assured that the enemies of ‘we’, the fundamentalists and authoritarians who divide our global community into ‘us’ and ‘them’, are playing a much longer game. A game where reason becomes extinct and the politics of unreason reigns supreme.

We can do this! It will take reason, care and leadership. A values based leadership from parents, teachers, community, corporate and government leaders is, I believe, our only hope. Where fairness and equity, rather than being a philosophical ‘good to have’, becomes the life blood of growing economies.?

Global change starts not just with ‘I’ but ‘I and you’ - an intention to make a positive connection with another person. It is an outward focus not an endless self-obsessed inward search for for who you are but a personal journey of discovery based on an outward focus. A focus on the future leaders (our children). A focus on the wellbeing of our employees our organisations and a focus on having a positive impact on the precious world on which we are honoured to live.?

Discovering “I” through “you” is a legitimate path to redemption, self actualisation and sustainable leadership. You are half a world. You only become complete when you meet another person. Connecting with people does not diminish the individual it celebrates diversity like any complex but unified system. When two people become close they don’t lose themselves they become tied together - naturally. This is a well observed phenomenon called entrainment.?

400 years ago John Donne wrote a poem called The Good Morrow. It’s a love poem and in his lines he very accurately describes this type of connection:

‘My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,

And true plain hearts do in their faces rest,

Where can we find two better hemispheres

Without sharp north or declining west?’

These lines have an uncanny similarity with what neuroscientists call entrainment. John Donne was writing from instinct and keen observation to articulate this beautiful moment. He was not to know that in the 21st century Uri Hasson (Princeton University Professor) among others would prove him correct - that when two strangers share a meaningful story their brains connect and become perfectly in synch - just like two ‘hemispheres without sharp north or dividing west’.

But we don’t have be in love to connect so deeply....we just have to be human. We are all hardwired?to connect with another. Entrainment occurs everyday in many of our interactions. When we share stories, our most powerful form of communication, we connect deeply, learn from each other and discover shared values. This may be uniquely human. We have within our DNA the seeds of greatness and togetherness.?

My call to action is this: seek (or uncover) your purpose in life, learn from others, express your best self and connect so that you can make a positive impact on the world around you. But it all starts with one small act: a willingness to connect not divide. Seek to understand others, to uncover their story. This will lead to empathy and empathy is incompatible with conflict.

Addendum

If you ever find a man who’s ‘walked a mile in someone else’s moccasins’,

You should ask him to tell you the story. It may be a tragic story or one of joy.?

And as he tells you the tale, walk with him and listen with an open mind.?

Seek to understand him even though you may never truly understand.?

Share his hopes and his fears,?

Although you may never have felt those exact hopes and fears.?

Watch his tears and shed your own. Laugh with him. Search with him.?

And when your paths diverge you may find that part of him lives on with you,?

Maybe even guides you. Then one day, at the end of your journey,?

In a moment of clarity, you may see all the paths you trod were someone else’s too.?

And to each ghost who ever walked with you say:?

“I’m grateful that I found myself through you.”

Chris Morsley is an executive coach who works with leaders from around the world as a leadership communication specialist. He helps corporate leaders, public figures and influential sports people express themselves and influence people in a way that makes a positive impact on the world around them. Chris is also fortunate enough to have a brilliant and wise life long partner and two beautiful boys.?