I Think. I See (and Laugh). I Am – Funny Sales Pitches on Linkedin!

Sometimes, I just can’t help laughing out loud.

I apologise for this.

At the same time, I often wonder if sales professionals do carry themselves that way in the real world.

At least, I don't.

I have to admit – Funny sales pitches are often much entertaining than annoying ones with a standard template.

At the very least, it makes me want to scroll all way the down to finish reading.

Annoying ones don’t have that effect – I will just exit the conversation.

I often wonder if people are trying too hard, and often times when they do that – They cross the line from being initially professional to eventually hilarious.

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Funny Sales Pitch # 1 – “Hey Sweetheart … “

I typically laugh when I get to the second word.

Everytime. Without fail.

While others will be offended when they read this – I don’t.

Maybe because I am a guy and I find it hilarious that someone calls me a sweetheart.

I would go to the connection’s profile and check their gender.

I would wonder if this connection is a guy and would he be shocked to know that I am a guy?

Trust me, I do also check the culture of the country they are from just to find out … if “sweetheart” is used indiscriminately.

After asking my friends based in different countries, the answer is pretty standard.

“NO”.

So, please.

Drop the “sweetheart”.

It helps you. It helps me too.

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Funny Sales Pitch # 2 – “Hi Uldrich / Hi Aldrich / Hi Adric / Hi Alaric / Hi Eric …“

I am often fascinated by the complexity of my 6-letter name.

Sometimes, I doubt myself too.

“Is Aldric just too unique that many sales professionals got it wrong?”

And I do review my profile from time to time just to ensure that my name is updated to the correct spelling.

The biggest fascination comes when my friends and I are having a coffee chat and I brought this up.

Friend: “No Aldric, this circumstance is not unique to you and in that sense, your name is not twisted because it is unique.”

Me: “Oh, really? How are you addressed over linkedin?”

Friend: “There are many and they may include Al, All, Aloy, Alloy, Lo, Loy, Losius, Allosius, Alla, Aladdin, Alphos … “

Me: “Alphos? What’s that? I never knew that is a name!”

Friend: “I thought so too.”

[Face Palm]

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Funny Sales Pitch # 3 – “I am the Top Salesperson in the Industry for 10 years and YOU NEED THIS NOW!”

I must say this one catches me ALL THE TIME.

Truthfully, if we just got connected – This is pretty over the top for me.

I mean, thanks for telling me that you are the Top Salesperson in the industry and I don’t think I need to know that for now … and certainly I do not need to know that you are stuck in the same industry for 10 years …

We barely spoke. How would you know that I need this horses**t?

Please.

Stop making me laugh.

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Funny Sales Pitch # 4 – “Life is short and time flies by. Let’s chat!”

I admire their guts for saying this.

That's because I can’t.

When I see this at the end of the sales pitch direct message, I often wonder if this connection is wildly successful in terms of lead conversion online.

Honestly, if my life is indeed short because I am Achilles and I am in a hurry to collect as many trophies as I can while being alive, what makes you think I will spend my time chatting with you!?

Geez!

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Funny Sales Pitch # 5 – “I personally guarantee to make you 100% returns in 3 months! Invest your money with me!”

I always laugh when I see this.

For a minute.

And then I think …

Like What-The-Heck.

Seriously.

I wonder whether professional money managers do that.

Hey guys / girls … please remember. We just got connected. Why would I turn my money to you?

Really … do I look that dumb?

And If the investment product or service is THIS GOOD, why does it sound like my connection is trying to borrow money from me?

Why are they making a personal guarantee?

That is utter fascination.

The best part comes after I said “No”.

The connection’s response was …

“OH MY GOD, YOU ARE INCREDIBLY STUPID. WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT THIS?!”

And my connection disconnected with me.

Thank goodness … ?

Thank goodness!

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Sales pitches are important because they set the tone and stage for relationships that might involve future transactions.

Yes, I get that.

I get that because I am also in the business of getting more sales.

However, there are always much better ways to get things done.

I don’t think anyone of us would appreciate wasted efforts on our end, especially due to prospects writing you off for lack-of-professionalism?

Or writing us off because we sound funny?

Linkedin is a professional platform.

Let’s be professional.

While we can be informal and colloquial, just remember this is like business casual Friday.

Formal shirts out, polo-tees in.

Stay professional!

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About the Author:

As a Consultant by training, I believe in making the complex simple. 

Because simplicity adds value. 

I do that through reflections (#ThrowbackSeries), building perspectives (#DecodedSeries) and understanding entrepreneurs (#ConversationWithEntrepreneurs). 

Simplicity helps us gain clarity, and clarity helps us to grow. 

And if we are not growing, then what’s the point of anything else?

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