I Was Taught Survival Leads To Career Success But Learned Empathy Actually Does

When I graduated college, and was about to start my first day at Goldman Sachs, my dad had a serious face and said we need to have a chat. As we sat down over coffee, he said he had an important lesson to teach me. The lesson was, now that I’m entering the workforce, to remember it’s every man and woman for themselves. I heard this was the culture at large corporations like Goldman, and was mentally prepared for a life of survival of the fittest as I entered the workforce. 

This was an important lesson for my dad to teach me because he came from India with $8 in his pocket. This is a common story when you’re born to immigrant parents to the point that we almost take it from granted. And those like him had no choice but to look out for themselves and their families and work hard to make it in a new country. 

His hard work and attitude gave me the life I have today and I am forever thankful for that. But years later, as I reflect back on my own career journey, I had to unlearn many of those lessons. For me, I got to where I am based on the exact opposite philosophy. I got here because of empathy. And it’s not necessarily something that came naturally to me, but rather something I worked on over the years as I began to manage teams and work closely with stakeholders and customers. For those who struggle with this, or don’t see the value in it for their career, here are a few stories I’d like to share. 

Don’t Assume Who is in the Room 

I once gave a presentation to a room of board members but was so distracted by one person who was clearly disengaged by my talk. He was on his phone the entire time. Afterward, when we all went out for drinks, he said he was not impressed by what I had to say because I discounted the value marketing plays in the strategy I laid out. I then found out he was CMO at a large company, and I wasn’t expecting marketers to be in the room. 

Since that experience, to prepare for any meeting, I do a simple exercise. I think through who might be in the room, what they care about or are concerned about, and what questions they might ask me. I essentially create multiple imaginary personas. That way, when I’m in the meeting with real-life people, I highlight those important points. When I start to see someone distracted or losing interest, I try to weave in topics that they would likely be engaged by or speak to them directly. This helps spark questions and new ideas and a level of emotional connection in meetings that oftentimes are cut-and-dried. 

The Two Cups of Coffee a Day Rule

Each time I bond with someone, a stranger or coworker, it builds up my empathy muscle. In fact, it almost feels selfish now because of how much I enjoy getting to know people and understanding them on a deeper level. So much so that I incorporated a technique I call “Two Coffee Chats a Day.” These are probably the most important meetings I have on my calendar (plus I have a professional excuse to be over-caffeinated).  

What I do is block out two time slots each day (15 minutes for each is more than enough) without any agenda, presentation or planned talking points. Even better if you can take them out of the office, or virtually now. The goal is to get to know one another. I ask questions along the lines of where they’re from, what they do outside of work, etc. as a starting point. I may even ask them about how they feel about the projects they’re working on or what they think about the company culture. And I always try to learn how I can be better. Sticking with the coffee chats has helped me build stronger relationships with my team, but also help me pick up cues on when things aren’t going well for them so I can respond in a more compassionate way. 

Be Real

What does that even mean? The truth is being real is sharing stories about ourselves that people can relate to and therefore makes it easier for them to open up and share about themselves. 

I have a good friend who is struggling to find work-life balance during the pandemic. She has three kids and is also the CPO of a demanding company. Instead of saying something like ‘You’ll be great, you’re awesome!’ I opened up instead and admitted how it’s been hard for me as well. We instead spent the next hour sharing ideas on how we can get closer to balance, and joked about how we are the “soft generation” of parents because we prioritize our kids as much, if not more than, our work. 

Starting out conversations by being more of an open book, allowing people into your world so they trust you to let them into yours, is key for relationship-building and can take you far in work and in life. It’s the lesson I teach my kids now and will remind them as they start out in their careers. Work culture doesn’t have to be cut throat. It can be understanding, compassionate and businesses can be just as, if not more, successful because of it. 

Do you struggle with empathy? What are some ways you’ve learned to train your empathy muscle?