I taught my daughter how to fail

Sitting in the back of the auditorium, I could feel the nervous energy among the cast. The kids playing the Von Trapp children were playing tag on the stage, while the adults were checking and double-checking their lines.

This was our first time running through the entire first act of The Sound of Music, and we were all expected to have our lines completely memorized.

It's a milestone I've reached dozens of times in dozens of different shows I've been in, but for my Liza, playing the youngest of the Von Trapps in her very first show, this was all so new.

I called her over to make sure she knew what to expect.

"So remember, tonight we can't have our scripts on stage with us. You ready?"

"I think so. But what happens if I forget?!"

"All you have to do is call out "Line!" and someone will tell you what your line is. We have someone sitting by the director with the script."

"Really?"

She looked nervous. It's one thing to miss a line, and another thing entirely to call attention to it.

"And remember," I reassured her, "this is everyone's first time saying all their lines without their scripts. Everyone will be calling for their lines, so it's normal to call for help. Ok?"

With that, her nerves softened a little and she smiled.

"Ok."

I had been memorized for a couple weeks by that point, but was sure to pause and call for my line during my first scene. I honestly don't know if she was watching, but wanted to show her what that process looked like and that it was ok to stumble.

It's just part of the process. Growth and practice will catch you off-balance sometimes and that's ok.

About 30 minutes later, she sat on the bed center stage with Maria during the thunderstorm scene.

When it came time for her line, she took a little longer than usual to say it.

I knew that look.

She had forgotten her line.

I saw the wheels start to turn.

First it was panic, a natural reaction.

But the panic gave way to a little smile, the kind of smile you let slip when you know a secret.

She lifted her chin and called out calmly: "Line!"

It wasn't until I was sharing experience with my wife that night that the phrase hit me as it was coming out of my mouth: "I taught Eliza how to fail tonight."

And she failed gracefully.

She failed forward.

She saw that failure as a natural part of the growth process instead of an embarrassing moment.

The same principles can be applied to team dynamics in the workplace.

Here are three practical suggestions for how how can teach your team how to fail.

1- Check your mindset.

Everything starts with mindset, and being able to fail forward starts with how you view failure.

So let's get clear about what failure or struggle does for us.

Stanford Professor Jo Boaler has studied the role that struggle plays in learning. In her article Why Struggle is Essential for the Brain - And Our Lives, she explains the deep connection between learning and struggle:

"Neuroscientists have found that mistakes are helpful for brain growth and connectivity and if we?are not struggling, we are not learning. Not only is struggle good for our brains but people who know about the value of struggle improve their learning potential."

She goes on to explain that when she teaches this principle to her classes and when they start to understand that struggle is good for their brains, it's freeing. She sees them become more resilient, more willing to push through difficult moments in the process.

"When students look at me with a puppy dog face and say: “This is hard,” I say, “That is fantastic. That feeling of ‘hard’ is the feeling of your brain developing, strengthening and growing.”

A simple reframing exercise can prove effective.

Failure, struggle, is natural. It's normal. It's going to happen to all of us and can be a critical first step towards growth.

2- Define your systems

We lower the temperature on failure when there are systems in place to course correct. Failing during that night's rehearsal was rather low-stakes because we all knew how to get back on track.

And pushing through that process is what cements the lines for the actors.

But what about our teams?

Is there a formal process to failure? Or do you leave that growth opportunity to chance?

Working with hospitality clients for years I have come to learn that one of the most pivotal moments in the guest experience is after something goes wrong.

The hoteliers that can solve problems are the ones that consistently receive the highest guest satisfaction. Talking with them I've found that they've been enabled to solve problems because they have a system, a pattern, a process in place for how to deal with missteps. That's all come from leadership.

As author James Clear has so powerfully observed: "You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems."

3- Model and practice

As Donald McGannon once said, “Leadership is action, not a position.”

A leader's first job is to get results; that's usually why they have their job in the first place. Of course, those results only come through disciplined action.

But great leaders are also conscious of modeling for their team.

In the case of failure, the way that you personally approach setbacks will set the standard for how to turn mistakes into opportunities. It doesn't have to a be a grand gesture; humble action works too. Take accountability, get clear on the problem, and humbly get to work.

When you get it right, you'll build trust with the team. So when they experience their own setbacks, you'll have the groundwork in place to scaffold them through.

Struggle is part of growth, especially if we have the right systems in place and good models around us. As leaders, we get the chance to be the models, set the systems, and spur that growth.