I Survived Suicide

An Unsolicited Life?

by Assal Ravandi?

September 18, 2021

Everyone has a story. Since we are finally focusing on Suicide Prevention, I feel that I owe it to my fellow veterans and everyone across the globe who struggles with mental health to tell my story. It is only by telling what we know to be true that maybe...and that is maybe we can save the world one case at a time.?

My name is Assal Ravandi. I am an Iranian-American veteran of the United States Army, a survivor of suicide, and this is my story:?

I was honorably discharged from the Army in May of 2014. I had planned everything for my life after the military. I would go to Graduate school at George Washington University. I even had a great job secured, a sufficient amount of savings from my 2013 deployment, and great plans ahead of me. What happened during that deployment and all that unfolded in 273 days will be a story that I will tell at another time.?

My symptoms started to manifest one week after we returned from Afghanistan. I would wake up every hour abruptly gasping for air. Shortly after, the nightmares began. Every night they would come to terrorize my sense of peace and harmony. My body ached all the time. I would sit in my car for a few minutes only to discover that an hour had passed, and I am still sitting there with an unlit cigarette in my hand. When I look back I still don't know if I was actually thinking about something or losing time in that car.?

Shortly after, the drinking started to take over my life. My mother moved to Washington to keep an eye on me. However, I physically removed her from my apartment by renting another apartment for her so that I can freely drink and spend my days and nights in agony and despair.?

I had a great job, a lovely apartment and I was accepted at one of the most prestigious schools in the country. Yet, I was in an excruciating amount of pain. The struggle continued for months.?

Any inconsistency in my life would shake my entire existence. I had lost my identity. I wanted to go back and re-enlist. But I was already diagnosed with Post-traumatic stress and chronic depression. All I wanted was to be a soldier again. All I wanted was to wake up exhausted and annoyed at 4:30 AM and put on my uniform and show up for formation. I wanted to feel safe again. I wanted my crew, my family, and my life back.?

I was often curled up in my bed. One morning the drinking started at 11 AM. I had a full bottle of whiskey in the house. By early afternoon I had finished the bottle. My mother stopped by my apartment. She had not heard from me for a few days. I opened the door but did not let her in. I told her to go away. I felt the numbness come over me and wanted to disengage and withdraw.

...when I woke up, it was 8 PM and I was in the hospital. I still remember my mother's face gazing at me, scared with an utter sense of loss and despair.?

I had butchered myself with a razor. My suicide note said:

"I want to be buried at the Arlington National Cemetery."?

I was ashamed, lost, and broken.?

I lost everything, my home, my car, my job, my education... I watched them all get taken away one by one.?

I hit rock bottom!?

If it wasn't for my mother who assured the doctors she would look after me, I would not be here today. If it wasn't for my friend Astrid who showed up every day even though I would not let her in, I would not be here today. If it wasn't for my Green Beret buddy who shared his story of loss and hopelessness, I would not be here today.?

If it wasn't for the community I created within the Academy of United States Veterans (AUSV), their expectations of me to deliver on my promise year after year, I would not be here today. If it wasn't for my community showing up when we call to help with our mission of unity and community empowerment, I would not be here today.?

When I created AUSV, it was because I was nostalgic for my community and our sense of camaraderie. I had no idea 600 people would show up at the first veterans awards. I remember that night I said to myself:?

"If they keep showing up here every year I think I will be alright. They showed up and all right I was."

My goal was to create something unprecedented, powerful, and impactful to shine a light on the importance of advocacy and leadership use to combat suicide across the board.?

Every illness has a face. Look around you. Cancer has a face of someone or some celebrity who advocates for the cause. Alzheimer's has a face. There are commercials and public service announcements. But we don't dare put a face to mental illness.?

I had promised that if we make it to our fifth year I will take suicide prevention advocacy to a bold and disruptive level until we get the attention of those who are powerful but leadership.?

We will advocate for survivor benefits for those families who are denied because their loved ones lost the fight.?

We will fight for those who won't receive life insurance benefits because their service member wasn’t a 100% disability rating

We will fight for those who raised their right hand to volunteer for the highest service in the land but are being denied due process and proper evaluation.?

We will fight to end the stigma.?

We will ask those who have the most influence in the public's eye such as celebrities, athletes, and politicians to tell the stories of those who lost the fight. We will tell their stories over and over and over again until the mainstream media chooses to talk about this national disgrace as they did when COVID-19 hit our communities.?

My identity is being a Soldier.?

The way to continue my fight is to take my pain, my passion, my strength to help those who often feel invisible in the eyes of society.?

We don't want statistics as a punchline. We want actionable change.?

It takes a community. It takes all of us, together as one to turn the tide.?

I told you what happened. In the next several months I will release chapters of my life that will tell you how it happened and the best part:

"How I survived."?

Now you know why I do what I do, and now you know why I need your help.?

So, what do you say? Do we have your support??

PLEASE SUPPORT UNEXPECTED VOICES:?https://www.ausvfoundation.org/unexpcted-voices