I Survived The Beirut Explosion, But...

The 4th of August 2020 is not like any other day for Beirut.

I woke up early, put on my smile and went to work, defying all the difficult circumstances that we are facing in my homeland, Lebanon, whose leaders have not missed a single chance to try and defeat our will, optimism and our love for life.

On this day I challenged my own fears and my disturbing dream, which I did not know how to explain, and my positive emotions suffocated by a fear pounding my chest without understanding its reasons.

I arrived to my workplace, tried to start my chores but the bad feeling inside me would not stop. Suddenly, I had a strange feeling and even panicked for no reason. I got up quickly and left without saying a word.

I hurried to my brother’s house, which is a few kilometers away from the place where the big explosion was.

Leaving work, even seeing my nephews and playing with them, did not help me get rid of that uncomfortable feeling in me. So I called the children for a ride and they got so excited, as they too were fed up with the corona quarantine, the concerns of adults, and their loss of an academic year and a routine for children that they missed for long months.

We ended up in my parents' house where "Teta" spoiled the kids and changed a little bit of their mood...

At about half past five, I dressed, restless, and my chest was getting tighter and tighter, and I was about to drive the children back home, but their mother arrived and picked them up.

I am ashamed of my humble story, but on this day the events were building up, despite their simplicity, for a reason...

Like everyone in Lebanon, and Beirut in particular, we were horrified by the horror of the big explosion that occurred at around 6 pm, destroying our city.

I tried to hold myself, screaming “the children!” trying to call my brother and his wife, but in vain, the cellular network was cut off and there was no possibility of contacting anyone.

My heart beating fast, my skinny body trembling in fear, my tears streaming out of my will, what happened?

The events of my day this day sequenced in a manner, my nephews were not home at the moment of the explosion, as almost all of its windows fell, and my brother miraculously escaped being injured, or dead by centimeters in his own bed.

On this day, I did not realize the scale of the tragedy that befell my country. All my concern was to get to my brother and his family.

I arrived home in the evening with burning eyes, my heart sad and miserable. I relaxed my body on my crying bed, ashamed to sleep. Despite the exhaustion resulting from fear and shock, I felt a great guilt: am I going to sleep and there are those who spend the night under the rubble, among the rubble, and on the road?

5-8-2020

 I do not remember if I woke up or if my body left the bed soaked with tears.

I called and texted everyone who crossed my mind, knowing that they might need help.

My blood runs through my veins, telling me to go to the scene of the explosion. I picked up my camera, wiped my tears, and called Samer Al Haraka, a young talented photographer. I asked him to join me and he did.

We went to downtown Beirut to help and document the tragic explosion.

On foot, we went looking for Beirut or what was left of it among the rubble, mixed with the blood of innocent people. Faces smashed, buildings swaying with destruction, the sounds of ambulances and civil defense, screaming and fear of the occurrence of ancient archaeological buildings that stood in the face of history, but the big explosion destroyed its history, The shovels and brooms that ran in the heart of each of them a painful story and a calamity that the mind cannot understand.

We could not dare and raise the camera to photograph faces or capture people's tears and tragedies. We ended up capturing some scenes of destruction.

Glass splashes flying and reaching our eyes, which are tired of the horror of the disaster.

My people are confused by the disaster that befell us, a new generation, we never imagined that would see and witness the most terrible human crime, stronger than our civil war.

Ashamed of my story in front of the stories of people scattered in every corner of Beirut and Lebanon.

I am ashamed of my tears in front of the tears of innocent people who lost dear ones, were wounded or hurt.

I am ashamed of my story while I still have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.

Leaders, you who set yourselves up as leaders over us, what have you done to my country to our past, our present, and our future?

O leaders, you have killed us alive and dead!

Does a leader have the right to destroy a country?

To kill its people

To strangle a dream

Life taught me that there is no leader but God…

Many Thanks To Leila Hariri For her contribution in the English editing.