I stubbornly refused to die in my daughter’s presence...

My #HEaR story:

About this time last year, I was on my bathroom floor hoping to just stay alive long enough for the paramedics to arrive. I stubbornly refused to die in my daughter’s presence and potentially leave her with a feeling of helplessness at having not been able to do anything to save me.

I have an extremely rare condition (Exercise Induced Anaphylaxis – EIA) which triggers unpredictable anaphylactic shock when I exercise. Ironically, to reduce the frequency of attacks, I must exercise regularly to increase my tolerance and make me less sensitive to the exercise trigger. Let that sink in - I must do the thing that can potentially kill me, every day. Unlucky for me, I pulled the short straw that day and was quickly losing my airway as I lay on the bathroom floor.

My pets were understandably anxious. The cats no doubt worried about who would feed them and clear their litter box in my absence. My dog, Titan, was on guard and responding as trained to detect, alert, and bring EpiPens. My teenage daughter? Well, she was reclined against the bathroom wall, calmly typing her college application essay on her laptop. Had I died, I would have returned to haunt her to the end of time. But the paramedics arrived and worked their magic – lucky for her.

Weeks later (it took me that long to work through my emotions first), I confronted my daughter about her seemingly lack of concern and indifference while I struggled to stay alive. She responded with a touch of irritation as if common sense were common and just said, “I’ve never seen you not be able to handle anything thrown at you, so what would be the point of getting all excited? There was nothing left to do but wait and I needed to finish my essay” (DUH!)

As this year comes to an end and I reflect on the wildcard that is 2020, I’m thankful for the opportunity my condition has given me, to refine the skillset needed to serve me in a variety of turbulent circumstances:

· Courage is not an absence of fear but rather is the refusal to be defined and limited by fear. I’m afraid every time I warm up to exercise, but I silence the ‘what ifs’ through preparation and choose to focus on the moment to reserve my mental energy for crisis management when/if the need arises.

· I build resilience by meeting challenges head on, learning from shortfalls, and then applying improved mitigations for the next occurrence. Every time the anaphylaxis starts, I take mental inventory of what my body is experiencing so that I can recognize the red flags even earlier the next time.

· I know from years of training that strength is proportional to time under tension. 2020 has given us all nearly a year’s worth of excellent strength training. I choose to regard this year as an opportunity to become even stronger.

· Confidence is nothing more than embodied recall of prior success. I try not to forget those moments when I can feel my body start to recover from shock. They serve as a reminder that nothing can stop me – not even myself, and that makes me stand straighter, hold my head higher, and speak and act with authority without reservation.

· Leadership is often the quiet presence in the eye of the storm that reassures others that human energy, and not circumstance, is the predictor of success. I had unwittingly taught my daughter that by example. Sure, we might still have some work to do on the soft skills but I’m proud that she has mastered quiet calm under pressure.

Wishing you all an exceptional new year! #HealthIsWealth