"I started drinking when I was about eight"

Addicted - we all are to a certain degree. It shows through the way we might say: "I just need my after-lunch cigarette" or "I really want to eat something sweet".

So what is an addiction? It's anything that we're attached to for our comfort and which, if we don't have it, causes us dissatisfaction. You may be thinking that's a definition which potentially covers just about everything... and you would be right. That's why addictions are an integral part of the human experience.

Of course, some addictions have bigger consequences than others. But life-controlling addictions generally start small and can often be explained by someone's childhood.

A child is incapable of putting words on his feelings and there is a threshold to any pain. So he starts the vice in order to forget and escape from his reality. Confronting the addiction would mean confronting the trauma, which can be too painful. So he prefers to ignore the problem. Being in denial of his addiction - potentially for years.

This second interviewee is D. (to preserve his identity), who started drinking when he was eight years old. He lived a life of loneliness. Without any support system for most of his life, he struggled to fight his inner demons.

As the eyes are windows to the soul, you are now looking into his.

The project EYE SEE YOU's mission is to raise awareness towards the causes of domestic violence, addiction and homelessness, because we discovered they are often interconnected. 

Through three interviews, we hope to help you understand what could lead an individual into getting addicted to alcohol, drugs of any kind and pain killers, so that you'll feel more connected to them in the future.

If after reading this interview you feel you want to help Tiglin, the rehabilitation center that saved him and other individuals from a tragic ending, please give a donation through the following link. All proceeds go directly into the daily operation of Tiglin’s Men and Women centres.

We hope this interview will be as eye opening to you as it was to us.

Thank you D. for sharing you story with us.

What a moving experience.

NB: To keep as much authenticity as possible, we decided to transcribe the interview as close to how it was narrated to us. Therefore, you might find the style quite informal.

EYE SEE YOU - Could you start by telling us a bit about your story?

D. - Might as well start back in my childhood. I don't really like talking about it, but I had a bad experience. My father used to be rough with us. He actually raped my sister one time and then my other brother nearly half killed him. And we had a closet underneath the stairs. It was maybe like a two-foot closet and he used to lock us up in that, if we were bold. I was the baby of the family and I used to get the worst. He broke my arm. I was only about 10 and he broke my nose. He half killed me with a belt. I have marks on my back still from it.

EYE SEE YOU - When did you start drinking. How old were you?

D. - I started drinking first when I was about 8. Yeah…it was young. My Ma' and Da' didn’t give a rat's.

I thought I had the control on it. I'd give it up for about a month or two. Sometimes, I didn’t even last that long and I went back on to it. And when I had a bit of money in my pocket, I'd go to the off license. I'd give some people a tenner to go for me, because I was under age and I used to drink that way.

 Then when I got a full-time job, I was never really out of the pub. I was in it constant. I started robbing as well, but I never got caught. I was about 13 years old.

So I was drinking from about 8 to 21 on and off. And then from 21, it was non-stop up to about 40.

EYE SEE YOU - Weren't you going to school?  

I was supposed to be going to school! But I didn't go to school and my parents didn’t really care.

Back in the 70s and 80s, if the teacher didn't have time for you, you were just left in the corner and no point in learning. They didn't take any notice because in the classrooms, there was about 25 students and half of them was getting away with murder and the other half wasn't. And the teachers just didn’t care.

People didn't leave school until they were 15, but I left when I was 13. I decided there was no help there for nobody. No help there for me or anyone else.

And then I ran away from home when I was about 16. I was living on the street for a while. And then, on-and-off, I was drinking. When I hit a certain age, everything all went downhill with me.

EYE SEE YOU - What was that "certain age"?

D. - I was about 25. That is when I realised I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop for one day or two days. I just couldn't stop. I was carrying a bottle of vodka around with me, a naggin. Everywhere I went, I always had a naggin with me.

I used to work on building sites. That's the work that you get if you don't know how to read. Because there's likely nothing where you don't have to read.

So I was going in at work at about 7 o'clock in the morning, and having a bottle in me by then.

Then, the ten o'clock tea break. When people were having their lunch and tea, I was having a bottle of vodka. I used to hide it. Did you ever hear of the out-door toilets? Onsite? I used to hide in there. Vodka doesn't have a smell. That's the reason why I drank it. And they wouldn't be able to smell it off you at all.

And then at lunch time, same thing.

And then, half two.

And then, five o'clock.

And then, straight to the pub after everyone's going home.

I never ate - that was my food.

 EYE SEE YOU - What led you to keep drinking like that?

D. - I was trying to escape the bringing up that I had because of with my Da' half killing us, seeing what he used to do to me and my mother... She was in intensive care about three times. That's what I was trying to escape because I had it there in my head. What he had done to her. I had it in my head that when I got older, I was going to make him stop. But he died of alcohol poisoning before I hit 21.

EYE SEE YOU - Did you ever feel like you were destroying yourself somehow?

D. - No, I didn't think I was at all. See drinking is such a normal thing - everyone does it. Everyone accepts alcohol because its legal, but by right's it actually should be illegal. It actually shouldn't be out there at all.

I sometimes struggle, because with drugs, you have to go out of your way looking for them. But sometimes, when I'm in the supermarket, its right in my face and I just had to say "Okay I'm going this way". I just don't acknowledge it. I put the blinkers on. I mean I still have my struggles with it sometimes, but I’m still managing. And there’s only one way I'm managing. There's only one person who can help me out. And that's Jesus. When I'm in the supermarket, I always say a little prayer and that gets me through it. That always helps me out.

EYE SEE YOU - When did you decide you wanted to get better?

D. - The last push was my daughter, because I didn't want to lose her and I still don't want to lose her.

In 2013, she woke me when I was sleeping on the streets and she said to me "If you don't get yourself sorted out, you're dead to me". Yeah... I was dead to her. And that stuck with me and still sticks with me to this day. But the relationship is getting stronger.

That was the push because I didn't want to lose her because she's everything to me. She's the first child I have and she's everything to me. That's why I mean the relationship is slowly getting build back up again between me and her. But put it this way, I still don't see my granddaughter that much.

EYE SEE YOU - So when did you arrive in Tiglin (rehabilitation center)?

D. - I arrived here in 2014. Since then, I've been four and a half years clean. Because I was a pure alcoholic.

When I came in Tiglin, I was suicidal. I tried three times to commit suicide and it didn't work out. I handed over a rope. I had a rope tied around my waist. It was a four-foot long rope. It was about that thick. And I was ready to commit suicide that night. And they took me in and they helped me through it.

All the classes here, what they were doing, I couldn't do them. The reason was I didn't know how to read and write. And now after four and a half years, I have now a level five in implementation, a level five in IT and I have two level fives in caring for the old person.

And that was a big step for me. To make a career. And that's how far my travels have been.

EYE SEE YOU - Why did you decide to keep working with Tiglin?

D. - It's a good place to work for. People come in here broken and you try to help them. I relate to most of the lads who are here.

I was trying a different type of filed. I studied to take care of the older person. But God keeps on calling me back here.

They (Tiglin) offered me a full-time work. And I actually prefer to work here because I know how the system works and I get on well with the chaps. I feel useful here because I can help that lads out. I can get to them if they want help or not - that's completely up to them. And I don't force anything on them.

So many things are all coming back to me slowly but surely.

EYE SEE YOU - Did you get a chance to speak with your daughter about what you've been through?

D. - Oh… she knows what I've been through because she seen it.

I used to have neighbours at the door, smash their heads in sometimes, have the Gardaí at the door. She's seen an awful lot. She's getting counselling now at the moment because when I was drunk I was doing things that no 13 year old should see. No child should see that even with their family, even with brothers or sisters, no child should see that type of stuff.

She knows what I was like with drink in me. I'm like two different people. With drink in me I'm like a monster. When I'm sober, I'm quiet as a mouse.

You always say it takes time for things to be put back up. Because I've put her through... she's seen hell, put it that way, when I was drinking.

EYE SEE YOU - Did your daughter tell you how proud she is about the person you become right now?

D. - Not yet. I think I still have to convince her and probably I will if she sees me settled in my own place. I'm supposed to be moving in next month. I'm hoping she's going to be spending more time now with me. I'm going to give her a set of keys so she can come and go as she pleases. And it’s up to her to take the keys or not.

But when she sees me settled, I'll do what I said about the keys. I'm waiting for her to make the first move now. I'll see what happens. But she never said to me she was proud.

Thank you for reading the interview!

Now, we would love it if you could help us raise 3000€, before the end of the year, for Tiglin, the rehabilitation center that saved D. and other individuals from a tragic ending.

You can give a donation through the following link. Even 5€ would make a difference!

If you can't afford to, you could help us by sharing this article on your Linkedin, Facebook or Instagram with your friends, colleagues and family. The more readers, the merrier!

Thank you for your time! Thank you for your help!

Talk to you soon, for the third and last interview!

EYE SEE YOU - Antoine Barat, Pedro Weissheimer and Scarlett Blum.