I Spent $6000 to Learn the Same Lesson Twice
In 2018, I paid for two fairly expensive courses of instruction that taught me the same lesson twice.
In 2019, I'm resolving to make a change.
EXPENSIVE LESSON #1: A "TOUCHY FEELY" CLASS
In July, I spent about $4500 on a six-day course on self-awareness and emotional communication for Chinese entrepreneurs hosted at the Zhen Academy and taught by the unparalleled Ji Gu. The course design draws inspiration from the "Touchy Feely" class (formally, "Interpersonal Dynamics") that is taught at Stanford GSB.
I went in assuming I already had naturally superlative emotional communication skills and was super in-touch with myself and everyone around me because... well, you know, c'mon... I'm a professional communicator, for one thing. I'm emotionally open, sensitive, and secure. I'm an incorrigible smooth talker. And one of the most popular things I've ever written on the internet is a primer on "How to Listen Like a Conference Interpreter."
And I was right! About the being in touch with myself part, anyway. I do have a superlative self-awareness. And I'm good at communicating my feelings and ideas to others. But when it came to listening -- to really listening -- to what other people were trying to tell me, I often wound up filtering it through layers of assumption and bias and wishful thinking.
I left the class still not knowing how to solve this problem, but accurately diagnosing the problem itself was worth every penny. (I highly recommend the class, actually -- currently only in Mandarin).
EXPENSIVE LESSON #2: POKER
In September, I lost $1500 in two days of playing Texas Hold'em in Macau. After I went all-in with the losing hand for the third and final time, I realized the problem was the same: I knew the strength of my hand (analysis), and I was sensitive to the strength I was projecting to the other players (self-awareness), but I wasn't listening at all to the signals my opponents were sending me. I was just playing entirely in my own head. And when you play competitive games in your head, you always lose.
I consoled myself with the knowledge that this lesson was getting cheaper and cheaper to learn -- it took only 1/3 of the time and money to learn it the second time as it did the first!
So what am I going to do about it?
Look, I get it -- self-improvement should be practiced daily, not in grand annual declarations on some arbitrary date on the calendar. I get that New Year's Resolutions aren't cool anymore. But it's a tradition, goddamn it, and it happens to be a tradition I like.
So in 2019, I am resolving to listen better.
Here are the four ways I'm committing to listen better, along with four concrete actions I'm pledging to take to keep me accountable:
#1 - I resolve to listen to the world around me
Listening starts with the macro environment. What's going on all around me?
I confess to some poetic sympathies here: Geese by Oliver, Leisure by Davies, Peace of Wild Things by Berry.
I want to listen to nature; to the sighs of the city, to the dance of leaves in the wind. All year long, I resolve to listen closely to the falling of snow, the creaking of earth in thaw, the ripening of fruit and then of leaves. I will listen to the feline poetry of cats as they purr, and savor the silence of the sunlight as it spreads across the earth like a veil. I will listen, I will bond, I will commune. I will be at peace.
concrete action -- five minutes of meditation, five times a week
#2 - I resolve to listen to my heart
Next, I will listen closely to self.
There will be times along the journey when I swell, my pride and joy replete. There will be times when the endorphins rush, when I am drunk on love and life and the precious beauty of all things. I want to listen in those soaring moments, savor and surrender to each note, until the “I” falls away and all that is left is a harmony.
But there will be other times along the journey, too; times of disappointment and anger, bitterness, of tragedy real and imagined. These I resolve to listen to with equal care, with sensitivity and tolerance and respect. When my heart is anxious and I cannot sleep for my troubles, I will listen to their names and whisper them or write them down: “this is your loneliness, Jonathan” or “this is an insecurity, born of futures unknown.” In naming them, I will detach from them, and accept them -- embrace them even -- and move on.
concrete action -- Attitude of Gratitude for the good times. Practice journaling + therapy for the lows.
#3 - I resolve to listen to my partner(s)
I want to think hard about who among my many friends and acquaintances really matter the most to me, and to dive deeper into understanding what they value, how they perceive and judge, and how I can best communicate with them. (I'm particularly bullish on MBTI-based communication strategies).
I also want to find what Norman Rush called "one absolutely first-rate deserving person" and learn to communicate with them on a level deeper and with an elegance more sensitive than with any other. I will call that communication "love."
concrete action -- daily pledge to Communicate with TACT (that's to be transparent, articulate, considerate, and thoughtful) with all people, and schedule regular (monthly?) check-ins with my key partner(s) to make sure I am hearing them correctly and responding in a language that makes sense to them.
#4 - I resolve to listen physically.
Beyond language, our bodies speak to one another, as well. I want my movement and my touch to be as agile and as sensitive as my word. I want to dance.
concrete action -- Learn a form of partner dance (ballroom, swing, or salsa) via lessons -1x per week.
So - did I finally learn my lesson?
Will 2019 turn me into a better listener? A better lover? A better poker player???
Only time will tell -- follow me on social or get the newsletter and stay tuned for updates!
LinkedIn: https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/jonathanrechtman / Twitter: @jonrechtman / WeChat: jonathan222222
Like these resolutions? Have other ideas for how I can practice being a better listener? Let me know in the comments!!!
ABOUT ME!
Jonathan Rechtman is a communications coach, Chinese-English simultaneous interpreter, bilingual host, entrepreneur, and investor. Based in China for over a decade, he has interpreted for multiple presidents and prime ministers, Fortune 500 CEOs, Hollywood stars, Nobel prize winners, and a princess. He is a co-founder of Cadence Translate, a venture partner at iAsk Capital, and serves as a public speaking and communications coach to C-suite executives at some of China's biggest multinational companies.
He is a member of the Global Shapers Community, an initiative of the World Economic Forum; the founding initiator of Attitude of Gratitude; a mentor at Chinaccelerator; and a visiting instructor at the Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey, the University of Ottawa, and the University of International Business and Economics in Beijing (UIBE).
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME
I'm passionate about supporting a number of organizations I think make the world a better place. You should check them out too.
Chief of Staff- Strategic Advisor, Project Ambassador, Philanthropic Advocate. Art Business/Management
6 年Thoughtful article, Jonathan, for the new year and always.
Head of Civil Engineering
6 年Great resolution for 2019 and any year! Do not discard tango, the pauses for a better "listening" while dancing are longer.?
UN-accredited freelance conference interpreter
6 年Well said, Jonathan! I remember my first day in interpreting school and my Spanish>English consec professor Barry Slaughter Olsen?talking about the four kinds of listening (selective listening (i.e. to your interlocutor at a noisy cocktail party) listening to respond (what we too often end up doing in conversations), listening for accent/language, and listening to understand (aka active listening, which is what you pointed out as listening for structure). It's easy to take listening for granted but it's actually a difficult skill (active listening takes a lot of concentration and energy) that requires not just practice but humility, and once you are a better listener the benefits go beyond being a better interpreter.?