I sit alone in my 4 cornered room staring at handles

Once upon a time in 1988 an 8th grade friend of mine named Brent shared his cassette walkman with the Geto Boys spinning "Mind Playing Tricks On Me" while sitting on the stage inside the Thrall High school gymnasium that day. I was immediately polarized by what my ears had just heard.

Do you remeber what that experience was like initially? Brent literally had to pry his walkman back away from me before the end of gym class.

Little did I know how those lyrics might relate to my current mental mindset. In every great composition, each note counts. According to Forbes the NIH feels the same way just recently.

We all have a million dollar idea inside of our head. This is an attempt to get mine out. The power of our thoughts must be applied through a form of art to help release pinned up emotions, and to begin the healing process.

At least that's what's working for me currently.

The nation’s medical research agency is throwing in $20 million over five years to bring together music therapy and neuroscience and to study music’s potential to ease symptoms of an array of disorders including Parkinson’s disease, stroke and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

This was my introduction to the new Houston rap group coming out of the rough and tough 5th Ward Houston, TX. About 3 hours from where I resided. The Geto Boys gave me an exclusive peek into their worlds. I was instantly fascinated about their stories.

Needless to say, Brent and I had been friends for years in Thrall since elementary, but now I have found a new SOURCE of sound. Check above on the cover photo. Brent is actually to my left. I have the red shirt on standing in the second row.

Remember growing up hearing your parents say that rap would be just a fad? Most white parents who were unable to digest this new sound preached it would be a fad. Suprisingly, even my father David felt that way. I blame the machine programmers. Handles have the potential to change over time through enlightenment.

Left to right: Scarface, Bushwick Bill and Willie D of the Geto Boys perform in Houston in 2015. Marco Torres/HOU/VMG via Getty Images. What is amazingly unique is that link above, and it's article title in specific timeline relation to my story.

BANG and get over with!

Why am I staring at handles?

Back in June of 2016 I retired from the Navy a year earlier than orignally planned. Due to the stress of working in the recruiting enviornment of the Navy for the final 13 consecutive years of my career. The thoughts and decisions I made ultimatley had given the Navy the dead to rights on me legally.

Sales, mission, mafia type culture leadership, stress, substance abuse, angry wife, etc. You get the picture as I preach to the choir. At the end of the day I "Manned Up" and fixed my wrongs. To the tune of seven grand actually.

After reaching the tipping point of it all, and then expressing suicidal ideations vebrally I was driven and admitted to 5N at Madigan Hospital on Joint Base Lewis McChord during March of 2016. For 3 days I was in the pysch ward with about 20 other mental patients. Spending time with others whose minds played tricks on them too.

A few months after my release I was given my pink slip by the Navy. In connection to those decisions I made. A good friend of mine named T actually witnessed my stressor event, and escorted/ drove me to Madigan Hosiptal on JBLM.

A few months later on May 31st out of the blue he calls me. To ask me if I knew I had been retired officially. I was speechless. I said, "No" confusingly.

Like damn. After 23 years this is the thanks I get?

Only 1 "Guy" in my corner.

It was during the summer of 2015 I began to fall in love with blogging. At the expense of losing my family because I would lock myself in my office at home, and toil away night and day at developing a new technical skill. I knew my time was limited before retiring. I wanted to construct my own dreams. Not live them at night while sleeping on medication.

Still compatementalizing the pain within from the age of 11 until just recently through my own personal challenges. But then this creative process manifested as a result by this pain and depression that lead to creating a totally new "Handle."

"At night I can't sleep I toss and turn, scrolling screens in the dark visions of my ego being burned." ~BG

My great friend of 10 years, mentor, brother, and the guy who drove me to the clink personally. That's T above. He also checked me out, and then took me directly home upon release. Good friends are hard to find like T.

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel increased the grind technically for me, but I was actually bankrupt emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Disconnected essentially from everything.

Operating just like a "Lone Wolf." Feeling pretty burnt that after 23 years of service this was my stage left exit. Despite my circumstances I felt like a black sheep casted away because of the black eye it caused in totality.

Under the old operating system I would just file/save that experience away in another compartment for later use. Which I did. Then next, "Man Up" and move the fuck on. That was my mentality along with many others out there.

Old dogs can actually learn new tricks however when properly motivated, and actually feel appreciated in my humble opinion.

I crawled into my chair in my office shortly after T dropped me off, and began to delete all those files and handles both good and bad that the Navy specifically taught me to compartmentalize them through the the "Man Up" mantra handed down through the ranks. A culture they are still trying to shift in 2020.

Fast Forward to 2019

After a stint selling cars at Larson Chrysler Jeep Dodge Ram in Puyallup for 2 months in 2016 I found out first hand that just because you know sales does not mean you can effectively sell a car. Consistently. Honestly, I couldn't see myself happy there in the long run.

There was a bigger rabbit for me out there I was chasing after down this hole in the Matrix.

Mental illness is a legitimate thing. I finally began to file for my veteran benefits through the VA in 2017 after about a year removed from service. Picking back up treatment through VA counseling. Thanks to the advice of my neighbor Orlando a retired Army veteran with experience in that department. I really didn't want anything to do with the government or the VA process at all.

I mean, would you if you went through something similar? Is it just me, or am I tripping?

Compartmentmentalization.

At the end of August 2019 however I made the decison to walk away from Comcast after 2.7 years. The stress of all those years of recruting in the Navy was playing tricks on my mind. The jobs were to similar at this point. Customers were becoming angry parents now.

I began to avoid people in general, and sit within my sunken place in my car at work.

In addition, the grind alone in direct sales is surely not for the weak. Let a total stanger slam their door in your face after a long day of your mind playing tricks on you in the dark on their porch. All kinds of thoughts would race through my mind at every door.

I had to GET it OUT!

Dealing with strangers at their doorsteps in Gig Harbor was becoming unhealthy. Angry customers who found my cards in their neighborhoods would call and complain about their bills. Slamming doors, and feelings of rejections were not positive stimuli. It's what eventually forced me to make the decision. Get help or committ suicide.

"Manning Up" no longer became the option.

End it all by jumping over the Tacoma Narrows Bridge that I actually drove accross daily from Puyallup, or seek help fast? Then "The BluePrint" comes on by The D.O.C. and I share a "Facebook Live" video about it in my group of over 16k die hard Cowboys fans.

I walked away from Comcast partly due the fact the VetNet experience, and the effect it had on my unique value propostion as a content marketer. Thankfully, that experience really had my mind playing BIG tricks on me! A sales job that allowed me to crack over 100k in my second year there. Hustling cable, phone, internet, and home security bundles. Imagine that.

Am I not happy you ask?

Money can't solve all your problems. At least for me it was simply a band-aid. Trouble laid ahead still. All of my compartments were finally full to their maximum capacities.

"See everytime my eyes close I start typing, and content starts coming out my nodes."

~ BG

Also read: First Ever OAT 2018 Admin of the year award recognition

What exactly is a handle?

The term "Handle" dates back to the 1970s and comes from Citizens Band radio (CB radio), a short distance radio communications medium. CB radio users would identify themselves by unique nicknames, which became known as handles.

When online chat became popular in the 1990s, the term "handle" transferred to the internet and became a common way for users to identify themselves online.

A handle like the one given to me personally in Las Vegas this summer by a very important Cowboys fan residing in Los Angeles named Kevin Harris. On two seperate occasions he has referenced to me as the "Cowboys Unifer."

My depression forced me to become safe behind my then handle, and the screens to protect the world from my truth on the other side of it. Social media is savage. Appearing to be addicted to my mobile device like most Americans. Nah fam, #builtbyfansforfans

I've always viewed my phone as a "Tool 4 Good" more than anything. In the process since 2016 I have built a new network of friends and associates as a result. Amassing a social media audience in the process with over 35k social media fans combined.

Are you a VC reading this?

Not to mention an in depth 3 year case study. To eventually duplicate accross the 31 other NFL fan bases in the coming years. Thank you Joseph Robert on your advice about the Documentation of Registration. A man too who also lost his father, and has made it his mission to build his legacy upon it as a result.

Thank you Joe on the advice to protect my intellectual "story concept" placing me on the clock to write my first book behind my Dallas Cowboys case study. Not to mention how it has helped me cope with depression.

"Built By Fans For Fans."

"My mother always stressing I ain't living right, but I ain't going out without a fight."

As my battle with depression wages on I have found peace through a creative process within my sanctuary. In the form of written and video content. After wearing a few mask's (handles) online to hide behind the pain I found writing about the harder stuff matters to me the most now. Just wait until next week's edition.

Thanks to the help from The D.O.C. that potentially fatal day helped me discover my SirisuXM creative genius.

It's amazing what kind of memories music can transport us back to. After years of reflection and experience we can begin to put the pieces of the compartmentalization puzzle back together. Learning not to allow our minds to continue to play tricks on us like the Get Boys was actually telling us about. Evergreen content.

"There's a lot of science grounding expressive language writing and journaling as being an extremely helpful piece for maintaining mental wellness,"

says Deborah Serani, PsyD, a New York-based psychotherapist who blogs about mental health. That's one reason she encourages her clients to engage in expressive arts, be it blogging, journaling or taking an art, music or dance class.

The perfect marriage between music, blogging, and self medication

At age 11 in 1985 the death of my 7 year old sister Cheryl is the largest file of them all. More recntly both of my parents died due to natural causes 3 feet from each other in the same apartment in Kennewick, WA. All in the span of 1 year. There is blessing in death.

It's finally time to shift focus to what's really important. My family, and it's legacy. Through this creative process here on LinkedIn. Over the next 11 weeks I will share how music and cannibus are the answer 4 veterans. Creating suicide awareness 4 veterans through my story.

No more time 4 knocking on strangers doors and selling cable. Working a 9-5 slaving to the grind even further. I have no room to compartmentalize any longer. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

BANG and get it over with!

For 34 years I have created many handles on, and offline. My mind has been playing tricks on me because of everything I have endured over my life span. Most importanly just due to my compartmentalization of emotions over the years. Then we add in social media. After giving 23 years of my life to this nation a part of me was taken that I will never get back.

More on this next week.

"Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s what you do with them and what you learn from them that matters. And that’s all part of emotional maturity and strength of character." ~Robert Kiyosaki

God has broken me down all the way over the lat 6 months. During this creative process I have discovered a vault of experiences to draw fresh new unique content from. My life story. Not to mention the network of social media creative handles I have recruited in the process among Dallas Cowboys fans. The ones who literlly carried me emotionally in their hands over the last 3 years. Until I had the strength to open up publicly within it with this.

Ultimately leading me to the crossroads of either working for an employer until age 65, or building my own dream with a team. I chose to jump off the Tacoma Narrows bridge on faith. Not literally though. Knowing fully that God will catch me and provide the wings I need to soar further above.

No longer allowing the self made depressed stories I used to tell myself that I was not good enough, or worth even existing. I was too busy writing other Cowboys fans stories. When in reality I truly just needed to wite my own. For my families own good.

How do I medicate? Thankfully I reside in WA state where cannibus is legal to purchase and consume. I have found a state of healing when self medicating. An expensive alternative 4 veteran depression.

More about this will be in coming articles I share.

Over the next 11 weeks (Mondays) I will publish an article weekly sharing my uinque experiences tied to music, sports, and cannibus. Ultimately the foundation for each chapter of my book I'm on the hook for. Please help me make it worth reading with your feedback in the comments below.

In conclusion

Being able to read music between the lines is a developed skill. No, really. One that takes time, practice, and patience. Neither my father David or I knew how to read music.

We both went off vibration, feeling, and emotion when drumming.

David ultimately enlisted in the Army behind the influnce, and musical genius of Jimi Hendrix. Like my father, James Marshall "Jimi" Hendrix was an Army veteran too. Orignally from Seattle's central district about 50 miles north of Puyallup, WA where I reside currently.

My father David was the musician, and my mother Grace was the actual webmaster. Together they worked to prmote his band @ local bars and venues. It took them both to die recently for me to put all of this together and share with you here.

See the "About" section of my profile for video.

I will now blog about my life stories when a particular song takes me back to a unique experience over the next 11 weeks. I felt this Geto Boys song was quite fitting because of it's timeframe pertaining specifically to my unique story. I'm sure your mind has played tricks on you at some point of your life.

Now my friend Brent is not at fault for my mental health conditions. That goes for the Geto Boys as well. There is a Facebook group of 15k Dallas Cowboys fans who have actually helped carry me out of some of this darkness due to their support with my story where I initially shared recently.

In my coming articles I will be going in depth about the AMTA. American Music Therapy Association, and why veterans should know about it too.

In addition, as a SirisuXM "Brand Ambassador" I have also discovered the uniqe opportunity to access a massive FREE vault of music to trigger memories organically to help produce more hybrid content as a result of this enlightenment. The ultimate reason behind why I chose them as an affiliate/ Brand Ambassador.

Moving forwad I also plan to share at least one article per week (mondays) here about what matters most to veterans when it comes to music, blogging, and cannibus. Three critical things that can help other veterans I believe like myself heal more effictively. Rather than opiod consumption. #plantsoverpills

Little did Brent know that day what impact it would be by him sharing his walkman with me that day. Good friends always share great stories together. Please share my story with other veterans, so Brent's impact can be felt even further. No more "Mind Playing Tricks On Me" seek help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

"If you breathing you achieving." ~BG

God always will choose the most unlikely as his most powerful vessels.