“I Say Apples ,They Hear Oranges”

In the words of Nat Turreir, "Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity."

For as long as we can remember, we have been learning about the importance of communication and ways to become effective communicators. it is the backbone of all human interactions, be it professional, personal, verbal or nonverbal. However, despite communicating repeatedly, putting forth our ideas, visions, and reasoning in the best possible way, why doesn't it always work? Why does the message not get through? Why do we see a different result than what we expected? Why do we face resistance?

The far-reaching consequences of this inability to communicate effectively can be truly devastating. It can result in a wide array of negative outcomes, including the termination of employment/relationship for non-compliance, quitting due to a perceived lack of care or a non-serious attitude. As human beings, we like justice and fairness. To justify ourselves and to avoid being the "bad guy", we put a label on the person for the perceived actions he/she was taking, such as "hard-headed," "lacking authority," "disrespectful," "defiant," "lacking in empathy," or "incompetent." All verbs converted to nouns.

Have you ever labeled someone or been labeled in this way?

What is more important than the "transfer" of information is the "understanding" of information.

What happened that lead the relationship to this point? What went wrong if it was your decision to enter into that relationship ( personal or professional)?

The comprehension or interpretation of communication is where the problem lies. We have all witnessed relationships where people who have been together for years are unable to communicate comfortably, share their passions, excitements, ideas, visions, or even express how they're feeling. The distance between them grows bigger and bigger until they reach a point where they simply give up, saying things like, "I can't get through to you," "we have different points of view," or "I say apple, and you hear orange."?

On the other hand, we have also seen people who have just met and they click! They connect, they spark, they want to share everything, they work in synergy, thinking "this person gets me".

The reason lies in the science of words and how we are wired through our lived experiences to interpret them, and that is:

They are using the same "language" to express themselves.They share the same meaning that they associate with the words they use for that expression.

It may seem simple and wonderful. However, that is not always the case. Let me explain briefly.

Communication is the process of sharing information between people or groups. It relies on a shared understanding of the words or language used.

According to Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), communication is defined as "the response you get." In other words, unless you get the response you intend from your communication, you have not communicated effectively.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place”- George Bernard Shaw

NLP provides a "model of the world" to understand how people perceive the world differently and why miscommunications happen. Some key NLP concepts around communication include:

• Perception is projection: We perceive the world through our own personal experiences, values, and beliefs. We project those onto others and assume they interpret the world the same way.
• Model of the world: We create a mental map for every experience and label or name it using our language. This creates our own unique "model of the world". Our “linguistic maps”- the meaning, emotion and feeling we assign to words may be different based on our unique experiences, memories, values and beliefs. "Success" to one could be defined as being rich, while in other's model of the world, it could be gaining recognition only.
• ?The meaning of your communication is the response you get: It does not matter what you intended to say, what matters is how your message was interpreted and the response it elicited. We must understand the other person's model of the world to communicate well.

Here are simple examples from everyday:

“Development Opportunities”-May mean promotions to some, training to others

“Lean Processes” – Can mean Cost cutting to finance, waste reduction to ops

Or in a personal setting:

“Ambitious” – May mean motivated and driven, while others may take it as ruthlessness

“You have potential” – May mean job well done, while other may take it as job done half heartedly

?Your intent of the message does not matter, how that message was taken and understood hence the response generated by it is what matters!

To communicate more effectively NLP provides tools and techniques which include:

• Understand your audience: Determine your audience's values, priorities, experiences, and preferred communication style. This shapes how they will interpret your message
• Clearly state your desired outcomes: Define what you want the listener to do, think, or feel as a result of your communication. Frame your message around these outcomes.
• Choose your approach: Use words, visuals, or experiences that your audience will readily understand and relate to. Explain ideas and concepts through a perspective they are familiar with.
• Calibration: Pay close attention to the nonverbal cues and reactions of your audience. Check that your message is being interpreted as you intend. Look for signs their model of the world is incongruent with yours. Adapt as needed.
• Do not mind read or assume anything. Make sure that the message is understood exactly as was its intention or outcome.
• Avoid ambiguous statements. Leave no room for it to be taken the other way.
• Revise if necessary: If you are not getting the desired response, reframe your communication. Repackage your message in a different form using an approach or perspective they connect with. Repeat until the response is aligned with the outcome.

With an understanding of NLP communication concepts, tools and techniques, you can gain mindshare, build consensus, resolve conflicts, and achieve desired outcomes much more easily. The key is flexibility - learn to understand other models of the world and adapt your communication accordingly, so you get apples for apples and oranges for oranges.

Remember, it's not about what or how you say, it's about the response you get.