I Remember What She Forgot

In preparing for Women’s History Month, I’ve taken some time to reflect on the women in my life who have had an impact and why. It’s been very powerful and, in some ways, an emotional journey remembering the moments that shaped who I am today. I am lucky to have many inspiring women in my life – my mom, my stepmom, my friends, my family, my bosses and former colleagues. I’m lucky to have an amazing group of women in my life who have left their mark and have given me powerful examples. One person who has impacted me the most is my Grandma Lucy who passed a few years ago. 

My Grandma was the daughter of two Italian immigrants who settled in a small town in Pennsylvania. She married my Pap, a Korean War vet, and moved to a smaller town where she worked on the borough and raised a family. 

She was an angel on earth… simple, kind, humble. She had a innocent glow that you don’t see in too many people anymore. She made everyone feel safe and loved and warm. She didn’t have letters after her name or invent something important, her superpowers were love and compassion.  She let people be themselves without judgment or hatred. And she truly believed in the teachings of the church. It wasn’t a badge that she wore for others to see. She didn’t boast about it. She would get up before her family, early in the morning, and say her rosary quietly. She had faith in something bigger and she lived those teachings. She didn’t lead a big life, but she loved bigger than anyone I’ve ever known. 

I would go to her house when my mom worked before and after school. I was somewhat difficult as a child, grumpy and defiant. I remember I hated my hair and I’d spend an hour in front of the mirror at her house grumbling about it before she would take me to the bus. Every morning without pause she would say “you’re beautiful just the way you are”. She would say “don’t be so hard on yourself.” I think about the world today and the emphasis on what beauty should look like - the Instagrammers and their constant focus on photos and angles and filters, how hard women are on themselves to be “beautiful”, their looks, their body image, never being content. It took me 41 years to lean back into my Grandma’s advice and finally be settled with myself. 

She would let her grandchildren use any part of her house and turn it into a Barbie house, or a mock school, or a fashion show, or a haunted house. She let us play, she didn’t worry about messes. She let us be creative and she’d humor us by going through our haunted house or watching our “shows”. I didn’t realize it then, but these freedoms to “just be” were some of the best times in my life. As you get older, “just being” gets harder and harder with the pressure to conform, to rush, to fit your life in a tiny box, to get everything done, to eat right, get enough sleep, get your steps in. There are so many stimulants surrounding us everyday... we forget to pause and just be present. 

My grandma had Alzheimer’s for many of her last years. She slowly started to forget, it became hard for her to be taken care of by my pap at home, and spent her last years in a home. She didn’t remember us or her life but she did remember cookies so we make sure that we always had them when visiting. As I saw her decline, I spent many years angry, sad. I avoided going to see her in some cases and questioned why. I lost my faith. As I reflect, I’ve realize that sometimes there is no explanation as to why things happen, they just do and you can’t hold resentment in your heart or lose faith. I would like to hope that her mind needed that rest after taking care of her people for as long as she did. 

When I look at future me, out of all the women I see in the world, famous women leaders and stars on camera, I realize the person I want to be is her. I want to live a life where I'm defined by how I've made people better by being kind and allowing them to be their best. Early in my management career, I had a great leader who told me I didn’t have to lose who I am to be a manager and that has stuck with me throughout my career. As a businesswoman, the stereotype in many ways has been the opposite of who I aspire to be. Businesseswomen of the movies are mean, cunning, and vicious. I’ve learned that women do not have to live up to those stereotypes to be successful. You can be successful and kind and empathetic and caring. You can debate ideas without being cruel. You can earn respect without stepping on others to get it. You can give people space to “just be” which empowers them to find their way and use their creativity. You can see beauty everywhere and in everyone and allow them to just be themselves. This is who I’ve learned I want to be and I’m grateful for the time with my Grandma and her love and her example. I hope she looks down on me and she’s proud of who I am.