I recover from 20 years as an insecure overachiever - this is what I learned

Do you identify as an overachiever? Have you?ever tied your self-worth nice and snug to your accomplishments? Does it feel a little too good?when you impress somebody in a position of power over you? Have you ever been hard on yourself? Are you by chance an enneagram 3? Or maybe an 8?

If so, you may be entitled to financial?compensation in the form of all the surplus labor value you’ve created for capitalism?over the years. An overachiever? In this economy? Welcome?back to the pit of despair. We're here one more?time to just pull at the threads of our identity until it all unravels. And that's kind of where?I am today: I spent almost the entirety of my?life this far just to wound so tightly, committed?to this type-A, overachiever, perfectionist, and I'm kind of done with it.

I actually think?it's held me back more than it has pushed me?forward in this lifetime. And it's time to?pull my toes back from the edge of the cliff?and join the ranks of the people who are not?always trying to get ahead and over-extend?themselves. Specifically?catered to the neurotic, achievement-oriented,?success-obsessed cohort is where I come from. That was?my bread and butter. This is for?the generation of studyblr, College?Confidential, Rory-Gilmore-ass-folk.

We’re gonna crack the lid wide open.?We'll get through it together. And do a little?State of the Union. There is no universal experience to becoming an?overachiever. In fact, I would love to know as you?reflect on it: What did lead you to inhabit?this approach to the world? What was it that?really drove you to become an overachiever? Why?are you this way? How were you conditioned to need?this attribute?

I imagine for a lot of you, class?dynamics coming to play, family expectations,?and academic environments, I know there are a lot?of first-gen students in my bubble and?I have ideas about how that might impact you: I convinced myself at a very,?very early age that my obsession with performance,?my type-a nature that was all intrinsic to me, was a part of my self-definition and definitely?not just a reaction to the culture around me. The truth was and the truth is, I do believe that?if I did not adopt that mindset I don't know if I?would have survived school. What was accepted?around me was elitism, and high performance all?the time. If you couldn't keep up, too bad.??

Where I grew up, you've all these parents that?may not have been born into wealth, success,?or elitism but reached that level through their own hard work- we don't live in a?meritocracy but we're going to call it hard work,?climbed the ladder, ascended with their social?mobility and have this?work ethic and ethos of that it was?their drive and their hustle that got them where?they are today.

There’s this expectation that you're going to?go on to do great things like, you are going to go?on to hoard wealth, be a capitalist, go to whatever?the U.S. News & World Report ranks highly that?year based on whatever bogus metric they use and you're gonna do that because your parents?didn't and someone has to prove social mobility works, so why wouldn't you?

I don't?know exactly when that aura sort of crept into?my consciousness. The first time I remember really?understanding what a high achiever meant was?probably in fifth grade, up until that point?there was no real stratification at school,?we were all peers. In kindergarten your?job is to play, there's not one kid that's better at playing than another, you don't have any?tests, any homework, any grading, and you have no sense?of like who is better than another.

If we had?maintained that sense of egalitarianism throughout?my schooling, I don't know if I would have?possessed this incessant need to beat?everyone and best myself. But I found myself one day sorted into a gifted student group - whatever that means. They definitely called it a different name to disguise the meaning, but kids aren’t stupid,?you know when something different is?happening. And I actually remember?feeling a certain amount of?pride, that I was selected, that I was special and I got to go off?here while everyone else is doing that.

But hear me out: when you start to be rewarded for your?performance, it builds a sort of feedback?loop. You hear these messages from your?teachers that you know your academic?standing is what's meaningful about you, it’s what?differentiates you when that dopamine releases. You start to play catch-up and you're just looking?for more and more hits of “yeah, you are good,?you are better” because that's what people?are telling you is important about you,?they’re not rewarding you for how caring you are?on the playground or how supportive you are in the?classroom or your creativity, it's very clear that?like your academic standing is what differentiates?you and that's why you're getting these accolades.

So, something hardwired pretty quickly where I knew that that’s what I needed to demonstrate in order?to keep getting attention from teachers.?And my obsession with impressing teachers?and excelling in my extracurriculars?made me insufferable in High School but it did?pay off to some extent because I got into university as one out of 4 first-generation university students,?and that only cemented that what I was doing?was worth it, right?

And it really wasn't?until my MBA abroad?that I gave?myself a break - perfect timing, I know! My approach was to do things fundamentally different, I?got permission now. I am trying an entirely?different lifestyle this semester. My whole?goal for this semester is to live completely differently.?It’s different and ii's very, very foreign identity?to me but this semester I’m trying to be?Zen AMR. I’ve literally never?been described as chill in my 20 years on this?earth, it’s not something I identify with, I’ve?never known how to do it.

I'm not gonna be the lead on the group project micromanaging everything until I’m doing 90% of?the work. I'm not gonna break my back for school?assignments. No. I'm just not doing that. It was?this fun little experiment as it felt like there were no?consequences. And this little trial ended up resulting in?the best work-life balance, most adventurous life, and deepest bonds with my fellow students and new friends in a new country. It?sort of dumbfounded me, like, could have I just been doing this all along?

I led?myself to believe that my hustle and my grind and?how seriously I took my academics was the reason?I received the grades and the accolades I did.?But then I had this alternate reality in front of?me to confront and shake that belief a little bit.?And it also eliminated that a lot of systems we're?trying to outperform here are extremely flawed?like grades are arbitrary, academia is extremely?broken and corrupt.

And then once the real?work started, I was so eager to offer up anything?and everything to the authority figures around me?to gain trust, to gain validation that I was good?at what I was doing because I couldn't make my?mind up for myself. I needed other people to tell me?if I had any merit, because if I didn't, who was?I, you know? I was doing everything at 120%?all the time until I’d set this precedent?that was so unsustainable that I broke it. Now it wasn't the pace around me that I was trying?to keep up with. I chose it for myself.?I consciously decided that I was just going to?do that.??

And the consequences came. I burned the hell out. Like, suddenly accomplishments and achievements which once filled me up, made me feel like real?empty. Because at that point being an overachiever?just wasn't possible anymore. So who was?I without the essence of my very being??

It was my reputation that I?was scared about, completely ego-driven. And I??genuinely do not know if I would have put my?foot down and actually set those boundaries?if it weren't for like how truly mentally ill?I was at that point, where I was just so low,?so lost that I was willing to do anything to?get out of it. And thank God I did because?setting those boundaries was the first step?towards my recovery from being an overachiever.?

And for all those out there reading this right now and identifying with my little story, let me tell you straight in your face as nobody benefiting from your perfectionism will ever do it: You are not given all that you’re worth.?You create so much more than you are valued for at?your company, at university, and in society. Reading about that in like very?hard economic terms just allowed me to confront?plainly why it felt like I was on a hamster wheel?going nowhere. Like, I did achieve promotions?but it didn't really feel like anyone was?seeing how strung out I was.

When I talk about being an overachiever it doesn't just happen 9 to 5, it's around the clock. Like, it bleeds into like the way?that I approach my life, I cannot let myself?rest, I have this overall attitude and like?standard, I set with myself that’s just not fair. Like, I don't know who told me that I need to be?pushing myself this much all the time, but I?just like cannot let myself off the hook.?I'm so?hard on myself like I can't just exist, I have to?compete to win.

And that's a very western mindset,?many would say. Learning more about indigeneity?has opened me up to many different ways to view?humanity, life, purpose, and existence.?There?are so many ways to view this world. Ultimately,?I kind of determined that the only way that I?was gonna heal from this destructive mindset?of working myself to death is by showing up for?myself by underachieving.

As backward as that might?seem, I needed to radically decenter achievement?in my life and overcorrect to restore balance,?to restore harmony. And of course, this article is?sort of calling for an individual re-evaluation?of what worth achievement has in your life,?but the bigger issue is what has encouraged?you to keep up this toxic, hustle culture, work ethic, whatever you want to call?it. It’s capitalism and imperialism, baby. Like, it really all does come back to that. There are so many insidious systems that are?benefiting from you having that overachiever?mindset.?

And certainly, if you're somebody who?is trying to gain more social mobility and help?yourself out, help your family out it makes sense?why you would have to overcompensate and like?really show up ready to beat capitalism, and?like tried to create your own wealth in this like?lopsided ass system. So I'm not here to tell?you that you should be doing your life differently?and that my way is the highway.?I do just want?to say that ultimately what we should be?working towards is the abolition of the systems that?are eating our insecure overachiever labor up.?Perhaps a better future would be one where profit?and expansion for expansion's sake and accumulation?for accumulation's sake would be replaced?with values like well-being, community,?etc.

Why would we be concerned with anything else?besides output? That doesn't sound like we're?literally seen as machines instead of humans,?right? There is no morality to achievement,?doing more than you should do not make you?better than other people who, quite honestly,?just have healthier boundaries. And you have?to think about who it's for.

Who?is the overachievement for?

Somewhere along the way my ambition got caught up in achievement,?and suddenly it wasn't this pure, beautiful?interest and passion and just growth and?expanding myself and exploring I remember from child-AMR, it was about?the way it would be measured by other people. I just feel so much more free and liberated?now that I started jokingly but like half-seriously referring to myself as an underachiever.??

Like, to me that's my path towards breaking free?from some of these toxic rhythms I've been in. And that's all I wanted to say. I'm trying to rewrite the narrative here a?little bit and reset some of the spiritual damage. So, let’s all rest easily together, be?gentle with yourself, and embrace laissez-faire-ism.?I could go on forever but let's stay in touch on?this.