I Really Can’t Engage, Baby There’s Spam Outside

[This article was originally published on the Talked About Marketing website.]

After doing my quick check of the spam folder today, I saw more and more spam messages that are indignant about the lack of my reply.

I've pasted in the spam emails below. As you'll see, one killed the deal in milliseconds by starting with an insult, "are you looking to add a touch of professionalism and creativity to your website?" If that's not a blatant insult, it is at least something from the realm of aggressive passivity.

The other two include such timeless refrains of the rude and self-entitled, "I'm still waiting for your reply" and "a friendly bump to the top of your inbox."

There is an unwarranted expectation on behalf of cold callers, that we must yield "15 minutes" of time for them to pitch us, even when they've never read our websites or blogs, listened to our podcasts, or discovered if we have been yearning for a solution to a particular problem.

This sense of entitlment is a deal killer for me. For some reason, it reminded me of the back-and-forth tussle captured in the Frank Loesser song, Baby, It's Cold Outside. You can see the original film version, below.

There is little difference between the spammers of today and the desperate bloke in the song who is just pushing for what he wants and never taking no for an answer, nor even listening to what's being said other than for fodder for new pushiness.

Enjoy this cathartic bit of songwriting, with no AI; just pure passion.

Baby, There's Spam Outside

I really must engage,

Baby, there's spam outside

I won't go away

Baby, there's spam outside

This work day has been

Hoping that you'd give in

So, very nice

I'll hit delete, I'll unsubscribe

My manager will start to worry

It's you that, is in a hurry

My colleagues will be pacing the floor

Listen to that trash icon roar

So, really I'd better scurry

Not for me, I'm in no hurry

But maybe just a reply email more

I'm showing you the way to the door

My quota will stink

Baby, there's spam out there

Say, what makes you tick?

I have some blogs out there

I wish I knew how

Your eyes are quite startled now

To book a call

I've told you no, this ain't no stall

I ought to say, "Now, now, now sir"

You are not a good closer

At least I'm gonna say that I tried

You can but that is just being snide

You really must pay

There is no hand out

Baby, there's spam outside

Ugh, you're very pushy, you know?

That's the pot calling the kettle black

You simply must read

Baby, there's spam outside

You must by from me

But, baby, there's spam outside

My welcome was smooth

I asked to be removed

I now must be warm

No you're lost, lost in the storm

My supervisor will be suspicious

But your offer was not delicious

My should just make you want more

You're not even close to the shore

You'll make me start being vicious

It's this part I find delicious

Do you just need one chance more

You just can't read the score

You've got to reply

Baby, it's spam out there

You can't say goodbye

Look at the spam out there

My offer's too grand

Actually I thought it was bland

You just don't see

Actually, you're the one who doesn't know me

There's bound to be more tomorrow

Think of my life-long sorrow

At least someone will get you to buy

No, but there are plenty who've tried

I really can't stay

Glad that ran out

Baby, there's spam out

Baby, there's spam outside

Okay, fine, what'd I do wrong?

You will never know when you push outbound marketing ...

Today's Candidates Of Shameful Spam

Here are the ones that triggered this blog post.

Please, if you need to sell things, read or listen to some of our reflections on Inbound Marketing; it's a much more wholesome way to be a marketer in this world.

The irony about the third example, is that the gently pushy opening is selling "Hubspot", which is meant to be a tool for supporting Inbound Marketing but is being pushed with cold calling.

Finally, the original scene, you can sing along if you wish.

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