I Put My Hand On My Heart

I put my hand on my heart!!!

And I wonder how I got here how did that little girl five who was bullied and afraid get to 55 and still have moments of fear that strike me down and stop me in my tracks a still awakens me at 4:00 in the morning with angst and worry, that still makes me worry if people will like me. ??

I have moments where I don't like myself, I capture myself in the mirror or while I'm speaking and think “are you being real is that the authentic you?” I'm not sure I even like me, never mind if others do.

You see I have a mean streak, I know it's a defense mechanism from those days of bullying when Nadine and her cronies used to prod and poke me, singing chants of ridicule and taking the mickey.

I built up such a brick wall around me to cope and protect myself, to be sure that she and others wouldn't hurt me that now even at the slightest hint of danger in it springs into action, it's like on autopilot, a guard of protection??

I get fiery an prickly and on the inside I'm like jelly, my heart pounds, I can feel my eyes widen, my heart pounding and I am on guard, no one can hurt me!!

But of course it means I just keep hurting myself, why can't I just let go of this????

I know it's deep, it's conditioning and god knows the work that I do, and the research I have put into dealing with this, that I can meditate, I can simply take a breath a moment to re calibrate, I can use affirmations, I have a fucking armory of those things, I wrote a book of 101 of them!!! ??

Even as I write and listen to these words it sounds like I’m at war and I realise I am and it's with myself, but fighting the demons that I built over those 15 years of facing the school bully, ??well it wasn't just at school, it was in the street where I lived and even on my front doorstep, where I had to fight her because she would have the audacity to come and knock at the front door to spit her venom and bully and abuse my brother and sister - what the FUCK-?????? so I don't think it's ever going to go away.

I'm turning to the shadow that's left and deciding to support that little girl locked inside me, I left her there alone and I ignored the feelings she had, I ploughed on regardless, I took the tenacity she gave me and the drive that she built and I buried her and left her there in the dark. ??

I've tried to forget, but I know it's her that is fighting to get out when I have my prickly and fiery moments, when the brick wall comes out to remind me, screaming at me “hey I'm still here, what about me so today?”

I decided a few months ago to let her out to consider her feelings to give her a big hug and tell her I love her dearly, she protected me then and she protects me now.

So every morning I ask her what she wants, for the first few she just folded her arms and crossed her legs, looked me up and down a just told me to fuck off,?? I don’t blame her, but I still told her I love her and will listen to her.

And I have, I've spoken to her each night before I go to sleep. Asking her what she would do in some tricky situations. I tell you what, she gives me what for and tells me to toughen up and crack on, stop making excuses, stop hiding my light under a bushel to get over myself and put myself out there.

I am sure you’ll be reading this and thinking, OMG – she has lost it, ????but believe me this is powerful stuff.

We have all locked away a shadow, and she will be lurking somewhere there in the darkness, waiting to be heard, wanting to be there for you, she has wise words, if not a few choice ones to start with!!!

Spend some moments tapping in to that wisdom. Next time you are up against it, get some advice from her, you’ll be amazed what comes up. It’s time to let you and your shadow shine.

??????

Stay Focussed, Keep Positive and Choose to Step Forward into Growth in Every Moment.?

Love ??, Hugs ??, High Fives?? and Fist Bumps ??

Toni ??

Toni C. Eastwood OBE, MBA

The Transformation Guru In Chief

?Fulfil Your Dreams and Awaken Your Greatness!

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