I Only I Could - This Coach's Perspective

815 words? 3 ? minutes

Recently, a close friend, the founder of a transformative mental health care company said something profound in a meeting.

"If only I could find a way to monetize beating myself up!!! I would be up there with Bezos and Musk on the world's wealthiest list.”

This stopped me cold. $$$ for SELF JUDGEMENT!??What a concept. I’d be cashing in too.

I wonder if any of you reading this can relate. That voice has been with me most of my life.

?It's exhausting and completely counterproductive."

Does this strike a chord with you?

WHY DOES IT MATTER: Self-judgment is a powerful force. Our inner conversations can be damaging.

• Negative self-talk “feeds” anxiety and depression, increasing stress levels while lowering self-esteem. It can leave us feeling helpless, stuck in a cycle of never being enough.

If it’s been with you your entire life, it might even feel normal. The Judge can attack without warning, often showing up in three forms:

1. Judge of Self – Beating yourself up for past mistakes or current shortcomings.
2. Judge of Others – Focusing on others' faults and showing no appreciation.
3. Judge of Circumstances – Declaring a circumstance as inherently “bad” instead of seeing the opportunity within it.

The JUDGE HAS FEELINGS TOO: Regret, guilt, resentment, shame, and disappointment. ANGER, ANXIETY and STRESS are often instigated by the Judge.

EVERYBODY HAS A JUDGE – YES, EVEN YOU! The Judge might tell you:

• “I’m good for you. Anger, shame, guilt, and blame push you to do better.”
• “Stress gives you your performance edge.”
• “Negative emotions are helpful.”

These are lies. While some success might come through the Judge, the cost is high—personal happiness, increased stress, strained relationships, sleepless nights, and disconnection from your own feelings.

A WAY FORWARD…Reducing judgement isn’t easy.? There are four considerations for getting started.

• Awareness – Recognize and acknowledge when your judge is in the house.
• Willingness – Be willing to do the work to reduce the negative impact of the Judge.
• Intention – Intention is the seed for growth, change and transformation.
• Action – Take the steps, commit to the work repeatedly to reduce the Judges voice.

In our Mental Fitness work through Positive Intelligence we explore discernment as a path out of Judgement. The ability to assess without attaching blame or negativity.? Rooted in understanding and curiosity rather than criticism. Discernment allows you to:

• Pause before reacting: Instead of attacking yourself or others, you step back and ask, "What is really going on here?"
• See the bigger picture: Discernment allows you to see not just the mistakes but also the lessons and opportunities within them.
• ?Shift from blame to growth: Judgment blames and condemns; discernment seeks to understand and improve.

ADD A DOSE OF EMPATHY…This is where it might get uncomfortable.? Go for it. ? If you could monetize Self-Judgement through EMPATHY, would the long term payout produce a higher ROI? ? Empathy?is the antidote to constantly judging yourself and others.? ?

SELF EMPATHY?– ?The hardest form of empathy to practice ? Self-empathy...an aspect of yourself observes, in an empathic manner, the aspect of yourself that experiences.?Suspended judgment and openness towards yourself. Self-empathy simply requires you to notice and recognize what is happening in you. ?

THE EMPATHY POWER GAME?– Creating self-empathy is intentional ?

When your Judge is in overdrive. Criticizing you, saying you are not enough, not doing enough. Renew your vitality and recharge your energy.

Here’s a practice I use with myself and clients. ? Think of a young child. Maybe your own. This child just made a mistake and is very upset. Would you:

Yell and scream at the child

Calm the child down, hug them and tell them everything will be alright.

Next, find a childhood picture of yourself (age 3-10). Look closely at the picture. What do you see? ? Close your eyes, bring your picture to mind. Imagine that this?amazing child made a mistake and came to you upset. Would you: ?

Yell, scream, show condemnation and discontent

Show compassion and forgiveness. Hug the child and tell them everything will be alright ?

I think I know the answer.? Every time you attack yourself through Self-Judgement, harsh criticism and even loathing, you are attacking that amazing child inside yourself.? Why would you choose to do that??? ?

When you choose to respond differently with DISCERNMENT and EMPATHY towards yourself, performance improves, self-esteem soars and relationships flourish. ?

GRACE TOWARDS YOURSELF: Practicing Discernment and Empathy is a practice, not a destination. ? Give yourself permission to learn, practice and make mistakes.?This is an intentional act of self-love and compassion. ?

Now put that in your bank account and see an improved ROI. ?

I challenge you to try this next time you notice your judge…Then try it again, and again. ?

I’m proud to say, I’m a judgment work in progress. ? I know my friend who spoke at the meeting is as well. ?

To Be Continued

Ron ? ?

Curious about how strong your Judge might be.? Let's explore a couple of ways I can be of service.

1. 1:1 Coaching Experience…coaching is about creating a valuable experience which leads to transformation.? Curious, let’s have a coaching experience….CLICK HERE
2. Your team…Let’s create a team coaching experience.? It starts with this self-assessment.?CLICK HERE
3. Project…Have a specific team, leadership or personal challenge.?CLICK HERE? and let’s discuss how a limited coaching engagement can help you.