I Was Once an Expert—Until I Wasn’t

Principled Empathy: A Journey through Process and Outcome Resistance

The Comfort of Expertise

I was once an expert—until I wasn’t. The moment that realization hit me, a knot of inadequacy tightened in my stomach, and for months, it wouldn’t let go. My strength had always been process: mapping it, improving it, guiding teams through it. It felt natural, powerful even. I believed expertise was my identity, the cornerstone of my value. But when the process work ended, the next phase required something I didn’t have: deep technical expertise.

We already had an expert for that. A true expert with years of experience and the kind of intuitive knowledge that only comes from living and breathing a specialty. No amount of book learning could replicate what they brought to the table. While I recognized their value, I couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling that my contributions had diminished.

Suddenly, I wasn’t the go-to person. That knot of “not-good-enoughness” grew tighter with every meeting. I felt out of place and inadequate. I started avoiding collaboration and was irritated whenever their ideas were praised. I isolated myself, gave vague answers in meetings, and projected an energy that said, “I’m in,” while my posture and tone clearly said, “I’m out.”

A Peer’s Principled Empathy

What broke the cycle wasn’t my boss. It was a younger peer who saw what I couldn’t see. Recognizing my behavior—not as defiance but as a struggle for identity—'Tim' approached me with gentleness and persistence.

“How are you?” he asked one day.

“Fine,” I replied automatically.

“What does fine look like to you?” he pressed. Startled by the question, I looked up and saw a sincere, caring gaze. “You’re not alone,” he said.

That moment broke through my defenses. Someone had finally called me out—not to shame or blame, but to understand. Tim shared his own story, telling me how he’d changed himself and how that shift had “rocked his world.” Tim's empathy disarmed me, and his experience validated mine.

Slowly, I began to see the root of my discomfort: my fear of not being valued. It wasn’t about the expert; it was about me. Tim showed me how my process skills could amplify the expert’s outcomes and reminded me that leadership isn’t about being the smartest person in the room—it’s about enabling the smartest outcomes.

I acted out the only way I knew how. My behavior parroted that of someone important from my childhood who felt powerless and undervalued. My adult self had never learned how to deal with this new experience. Tim gave me that gift. My inner child thanks you.

Shifting Perspective and Outcomes

As I began to change, so did my relationships. I stopped pretending to be “in” and fully re-engaged. I became an advocate for the expert, listening and learning from them. I leveraged my longer-term perspective to complement their deep technical knowledge. My contributions didn’t diminish; they evolved.

This transformation had ripple effects. Our team delivered stronger, more sustainable outcomes. My boss noticed my renewed energy and asked, “What was that thing?” When I explained, we worked together to identify what he could have done differently to help me sooner. He became a better boss, and I became a better teammate and leader.

The Leadership Lesson

This journey taught me that principled empathy isn’t about fixing others—it’s about creating the space for growth. My peer’s patience and understanding helped me rediscover my value and reconnect with my team.

I also learned that leadership focuses on outcomes, not personal recognition. At work, it’s not about me. Now I can focus on others and recognize when others are hurting. By shifting my focus outward, I am a stronger advocate, collaborator, and contributor.

Through principled empathy, I learned to navigate resistance—my own and others’—with clarity and compassion. It’s a lesson I carry forward every day, creating spaces where growth and connection thrive alongside business success.

Reflection for Readers

Have you ever felt stuck in the shadow of someone else’s expertise? How can you use principled empathy to transform resistance—your own or others’—into collaboration and growth?

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