I, NeuroSec

I was born in Honolulu, Hawai’i into a traditional Asian family. I graduated from the local college and started working in IT, following a traditional IT career path, a path that led me to Cybersecurity. I spent forty years of my life thinking I was normal and just like everyone else. Then in early 2017, I had my first mental breakdown and was traumatized by a high stress job. It took me on a journey to rediscover myself and to help others.

Neurodiversity refers to variations in the human brain that affect learning, attention, and sociability. Conditions typically include ADHD, Autism, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Tourette’s Syndrome, and more. Being Neurodivergent, not knowing it, and having a mental breakdown felt like driving a car on a road as part of a normal commute, then getting into a car accident and injured. Life changed and I was mentally broken, not knowing how to pick up the pieces.?

After my mental breakdown, I started seeing a therapist. A few weeks of therapy helped to stabilize my mental health. I went through testing and was diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), a mental health condition that can cause issues with focus, attention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behaviors. A single mental health diagnosis should have been enough to get back on track and to move on with my life. Problem was therapy made me question and reflect upon my life.

During therapy, questions came up about my childhood and my life in Hawai’i. It was like opening Pandora’s Box and not being able to close it. On top of ADHD, I suspected that I had Autism as well because of past quirky behaviors and poor social skills. Unfortunately, my therapist was not qualified to do the testing for an Autism diagnosis. I was referred to a few other people, who informed me that they could test and diagnose children, but not adults. I got frustrated and I took a different approach.

With no luck finding a way to get tested for Autism, I started reading books that described the experiences of people who are Autistic. Autistic people often have trouble with social conversations, interpreting social cues, and experience mental overloads. Those stories built up inside me like static electricity and hit me like a lighting bolt that lit a light bulb. Then I started to analyze my life growing up in Hawai’i and then compared it to Autistic traits and stories, it was like looking for IOCs (Indicators of Compromise) in security logs and finding them. It was undeniable, I am Autistic.?

For people who are Autistic, it is a personal decision for each person whether to disclose. Autistic people are often perceived to be broken and struggle living a normal life. This leads many Autistic people to put on a mask, hide, and pretend to be normal to fit in, this is called masking. The problem with masking is that it is exhausting. I liken it to running a virtualized server with high demands for RAM on an ancient laptop that is underpowered with little RAM. Eventually the laptop crashes, as do I. I got by with masking and I was okay hiding my Autism until 2019.

In mid-2018, I interviewed for a new job. I met a guy who made the interview experience amazing, and I got the job. That same guy became my boss, and I was on cloud nine. I had a boss who understood me and supported me. I felt happy, I thrived at work, I won tons of awards, and I felt like my life was finally turning around after the mental breakdown in 2017. Then in early 2019, my boss killed himself.?

Losing the best boss I ever had was devastating. It felt like climbing to the top of Mount Everest and then falling down. It felt like a mirror was shattered. It felt like another car accident. The suddenness of the tragedy made it feel worse. My work suffered, I could not concentrate, I could not sleep. I was constantly having panic attacks and nightmares. I was a mess, I needed help.

A few months later, I admitted myself into an IOTP (Intensive Outpatient Therapy Program) to help address my mental health. Months of therapy and anti-depressants saved my life. During therapy, I met many incredible people who also had stories to share. One of them shared her story from the school shooting at Columbine from April 20, 1999. Those powerful stories also forced me to confront my Autism. I also decided in late 2019 to pursue formal testing and diagnosis for Autism. Then in 2020, COVID-19 hit.

In 2020, COVID-19 changed the world. The lockdowns, the mask mandates, the travel restrictions; my life was forced to change. Working from home stabilized my mental health and gave me time to embrace my Autism instead of running from it. Fortunately, I lived in Colorado, and I found people who could do Autism testing and diagnosis for adults. COVID-19 delayed my testing, so I had to wait. In the meantime, I wanted to help Neurodivergent people who were just like me.

That is why in late 2020, I decided to start a podcast. I was not confident. There were already so many podcasts out there done by professionals, with fancy graphics, and with my speech issues, failure seemed certain. What pushed me forward was I realized how important the podcast is as a platform to share stories and raise people’s voices, especially during COVID-19 where many people were isolated, alone, and depressed. My first podcast episode was published on November 17, 2020. It was a slow and rough to start doing something new. I did not have high expectations, but eventually word spread. From listening to the stories from the podcast, some people understood what Neurodiversity is for the first time. Also, for many Neurodivergent people all around the world, hearing those stories moved them emotionally and they felt like they were no longer alone.

In January 2021, I went through formal testing for Autism and ADHD, I scored high for both. With formal diagnosis, for the first time, I openly accepted that I was Autistic, and it was liberating. It felt like the mask came off and I was free of the mental chains that imprisoned me. I also no longer felt ashamed to be Autistic. It has been a long journey to self-acceptance, but I feel proud to be Actually Autistic. I am different and not broken. I am Neurodivergent and I work in Cybersecurity.

I am NeuroSec.

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any other agency, organization, employer, or company.