I Miss Him who Hurt Me

I think often when we miss someone hurtful, we are missing the fantasy we built and then believed about that person.

Most of the time, the reason we continue to stay with a person who is unkind, hurtful, or selfish is because we have fallen in love with our idealized, projected version of that person- which, depending how pathological the person is, they may have intended.

The thing that you know deep in your heart, and the reason it hurts, is that if that person truly cared about you and was meant to be in your life, they would never treat you this way. If they truly were the person you thought they were, you know that they would always treat you with respect and kindness.

That disconnect can be tormenting- how could he do that to me(?)

 But the reason you are asking that question is because you aren’t seeing who the person truly is. You are seeing the version of them you want to believe in.

So the difficult thing to reconcile is that they never were who you thought/ wanted to believe they were.

The good news is, when you can come to grips with that- the fact that you fell for someone that was basically created in your own mind-it can really set you free from the pain of missing them; because you are the one who created the love, the beauty, and the magic of it- so you are really missing nothing.

You still have all those things inside of you, and you can give those gifts to yourself at any time instead of squandering them on someone who hasn’t earned them.

When you feel those pangs of longing for that person, try to remind yourself- the things you loved about that person have not gone from your life. They are still inside you, with you. The person who hurt you was just the object of a beautiful fantasy you built.

You can let go. You can build new dreams. In my case, being aware of my proclivity to idealize new people- to only see the good in them, to believe wholeheartedly in romanticized versions of them- it has helped me recognize when I am doing it.

Often if we are overlooking red flags in someone’s behavior, it’s because it doesn’t fit with the story we’ve told ourselves about that person.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate. 

Thank you …It's important to remember that missing someone who hurt you does not make you a masochist, and it does not make you damaged.

In fact, it only speaks even louder the fact that your love was too big for them to hold. So miss people. Miss them even though they don't deserve to be missed.

No magic pill helps you know what to do when you miss someone. Some people are just imprinted on our hearts forever. But take heart, it won’t hurt forever.

Is there anything worse than when the person you love more than yourself isn’t in love with you anymore?

Breaking up is never an easy situation, not even when you are the one to end it.

When someone else pulls the trigger, it makes it that much more excruciating. There are ways to wallow in your own pity party, and there are things that help get you past the hurt hump.

 It is all about knowing what to do when you miss someone.

Missing someone is a mindset. Often, we make ourselves miserable by holding onto the loss.

How many times do you stop yourself just to remind you that you are supposed to miss them and that things aren’t right?

The key to stop missing someone is to distance the feelings and put them on hold.

Want to add word or two? 

Once you start to think about the person you miss, which you inevitably will, disallow the memories the ability to overcome you. As quick as they fly in your face, push them away and make a commitment not to honor them.

The best way to let go of the past is to move on with the future. By performing the same old habits and living in Groundhog Day, you keep yourself stuck in a rut. If you mix things up a bit, then you change patterns in your life that may be keeping you miserable.

Your comment ….? 

Stop convincing yourself out of moving ahead.

When you end a relationship, it is human nature to feel some allegiance to it. If you forget about it too quickly, there can be guilt and remorse at not grieving it too much.

Stop convincing yourself that it isn’t time to move on just yet. There is no magic timeline to start to live again. If you feel it is right, don’t let anyone tell you it is too soon to start over, especially not you.

Realize you aren’t going to solve loss through reason.

The problem with loss is that we have a tendency to try to make sense of it. There is no sense to love. Even the best psychologists and scientists can’t explain why we love who we love, or how we fall in or out of love.

It is nothing more than a mystery. Trying to reason through it to figure out what went wrong only leaves you endlessly searching for something that isn’t there and stops you from moving on and finding someone to fill the hole. Constantly trying to go over what went wrong will do nothing but bring up negative thoughts of your breakup and loss.

Rehashing the situation never gives you the answers you need, it only brings back the negative ending of your relationship. Negativity does nothing but hurt you emotionally. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of hurt, so stop dragging yourself back in.

Don’t hang onto memories.

Memories can be awesome, but sometimes they can be too soon. If you want to get over someone, the worst thing you can do is sit and daydream about all the awesome things that you used to do together. When relationships end, we typically hold onto all the good times and negate the not so good.