I Live by the Calvin & Hobbes Code

In my 6th grade English class, students were given a golden star for every 30 minutes we read at home. I remember thinking to myself “perfect! I read Calvin & Hobbes anyways and now I’ll get credit for it!” I went home, banged out 3 lovely hours of reading and came back expecting my 6 golden stars. I bet this uptight jerk-of-a-teacher (luckily only had a few of those) didn’t think the skater idiot, loud-mouth jokester would come back in the top spot. WELP, the next day I received some disappointing news, first of which was that some kids REALLY enjoy reading so I wasn’t even close to the top girl. 

Honestly, no big D. I could handle that – I was never going to read anything that obsessively. But more disappointing was my teacher’s response to a student who really tried to accomplish the extra credit assignment, albeit outside her initial intention. She said Calvin & Hobbes didn’t count because it was a cartoon. Luckily, when you read Calvin & Hobbes you learn very quickly how to handle such pedestrian matters. “Why?” 

I had been reading Bill Watterson’s masterpieces for a few years by then – at first intrigued by the artistic splooshes and magnificent natural epics. But I was a thoughtful kid and worked hard to understand the meaning of each word and punchline. It took time and a lot of mental effort at points trying to disentangle why adults are laughing, but I’m not. (No better feeling than the AHA! even when I was kind of lying to myself…)

Sadly, the argument I used to triumph over my small-minded teacher was the least important aspect of Calvin & Hobbes, but sometimes you have to just give into the bullshit to live creatively. “You show me anyone else who is reading books with a vocabulary this advanced and I’ll stop trying to get credit for my reading.” Haha, what a slam dunk. Billy Watterson peppers those beautiful frescos with the wittiest one liners, unearthing profound human commentary with the language of a well-read, professional smart ass. Something I aspire to be. 

That word length and syllable count – such static, yet measurable data points – allowed this to continue, to me, objectively sucks. She was missing the point and I was confident about this conviction even at 11. In fact, in my mind, I thought I should have been given double stars and my 33-year-old self agrees 100%. 

Even just physically the cartoon format made me think more critically. I had to learn how to take information from seemingly disparate mediums and piece together a story. Instead of receiving words in an orderly fashion, line by line and intended for my age group, I was given a chaotic crescendo of colors, images, and text bubbles splattered throughout.  (Even the text bubbles Bill Watterson draws are completely deliberate and beautiful in their own right, making an artform of the simplest cartoon component.) 

My brain would go into an organizational frenzy, making sense of the chaos (something I use every single day as a *wait for it I’m gonna barf* “Business Professional”): where do I even start? Should I look at the picture or the text first? This one has no words – what am I supposed to get from that?  Which bubble am I even supposed to read next and can I move on without needing the context of the picture? Ok, keep moving in a southeastern pattern until he punches you with a beautiful image staking out the next move. Oh wait... now you need to look back at the picture to see Hobbes’ reaction which allows me to understand why Calvin is so mad right now…. Hahahaha. Ok I get it!

I was taking in the beauty of the water colors, the fantastic wittiness of the punchline, and the very real political commentary concurrently. Well, actually, I was just really fuckin’ enjoying how amazing of an artist Bill Watterson is as an illustrator, painter, activist, humorist, philosopher…. GOD WHERE IS THIS GUY I WANT TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND!!

Ok, so my brain is working harder, but that ain’t shit if the content isn’t absolutely on point, and it’s even more than that. Simply put, Calvin & Hobbes teaches life beautifully. From an early age I learned thousands of life lessons (if you don’t believe me, get your sorry ass to a local book store and start reading), but I think these are my top 3: 

Don’t let the establishment hold you back

No one is perfect in Bill’s strips, but the authorities are especially fallible. And it’s because they cannot keep Calvin down. And then you realize, despite their best efforts, NO ONE can keep Calvin down. And they try. It’s the establishment’s reaction to their lack of comfort with or acceptance of someone doing things in their own, creative way. Calvin doesn’t foist any of his ideals or quirks on others. He is focused on maximizing his utility by experimenting with the here and now. He tries to do the impossible and when it cannot happen in reality, he allows himself to explore what it WOULD look like. He cannot fail because the process is the product and he somehow knows it even if he couldn’t define it. He was just being himself. An individual. 

Now here’s a bit of a rant: Calvin would most likely be a candidate for adderrall – he’s fidgety, loud, erratic, HOLY SHIT HE’S A CHILD BEING ASKED TO SIT FOR 6 HOURS A DAY TO LEARN ABOUT THINGS HE’S NOT INTERESTED IN. Why do we force fit these children into a mold that just isn’t them? And sometimes it’s the opposite of their true self. You’re gay? BE STRAIGHT! You’ve got energy? SEDATE THE LITTLE PUKE! 

I was actually a good student because I found the material interesting and, no matter how much I wanted to be Calvin, I craved positive parental feedback. But the most creative, wonderful people fail in those early years because they’re told by authorities that they’re not doing it right. The same authorities that are supposed to have their back. Unfortunately, the same authorities have since put their children in student loan debt and then told them it’s their fault for being financially reckless; the same authorities that set up the system to make sure they get their penchants and Social Security without any thought on how their children’s retirement will look; and the same goddamn authorities that are burning the world alive and then saying Millenials are just being feckless hippies. Calvin calls bullshit. 

Please don’t fit in. If you’re being a kind, good person, and not harming anyone else in the process then follow your purpose. And find a moral anchor. Keep a best friend by you to make sure you’re staying within the moral fairway. The establishment will fear you and that’s why they’ll push you down. Don’t let’em. Don’t. Fucking. Let’em. Calvin wouldn’t. 

Life sucks so figure out what to take seriously and make fun of the rest. 

That’s me butchering the Herman Hesse quote, “Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest.” But it fits Calvin perfectly. If you think it’s all laughs and jokes you’re 60% there, but this kid faces down and survives life’s toughest challenges due entirely to two things: His love for his best friend (we’ll get to that later) and his ability to use humor as a survival tool. 

Think about this: Calvin does not have any “real” friends. He’s completely alone. He doesn’t play organized sports (in fact he plays Calvin Ball), he sucks at school (exacerbated by the perfect Susie next door), and he has a bully that tortures him named Moe. But why doesn’t he ever look pained? How does he have a shit-eating grin on his face through all that adversity??

Let’s stick with the Moe storyline. First off, Bill, thank you so fucking much for Moe. Moe thinks he wins every single day because he beats the shit out of a kid who just wants to be left alone with his imagination. And we know that poor kid who’s getting stuffed in the locker. He’s sitting over there, probably doing something a little weird, but creating ZERO harm for anyone else. Different? Let’s ruin him. Moe thinks he wins, but Calvin knows the real game at play. Calvin rips Moe without the “ape” even realizing it. The dude is left utterly perplexed and neutralized. Yeah, it’s after a beating, but Calvin wins every single time.

And then you realize – they’re all afraid of Calvin.  Teachers, parents, students, bullies, and ESPECIALLY HIS BABYSITTER. And they can’t keep him down. A pure hearted kid with a strong moral compass living life with purpose who will call you on you bullshit in the funniest way possible – how the hell do you keep a kid like that down?? You just don’t. 

If you allow yourself to only take the most important aspects of your life seriously you can understand the elementary nature of lesser fools’ problems. Let others get mad about shit you can’t control. Calvin knows (SOMEHOW) that it’s not his fault Moe hurts him. He also understands he cannot change Moe or even attempt to win at Moe’s game (though he does bring Hobbes in at one point to do his bidding, which is just amazing because from Calvin’s perspective there’s a monstrous Tiger scaring away a bully, but to the underdeveloped Moe all he sees is that a weakling brought a stuffed animal to a fight? Moe just leaves in confusion!).  

When people try to get you worried about things you can’t control or simply aren’t important to you, think about making fun of it. It’s an extremely powerful tool. (DISCLAIMER: I recently got laid off from a corporate job and I’m pretty sure this lesson contributed, but then again I didn’t find the work important *emoji with dude’s hands up in the air?*).  And remember, you don’t have to play by their rules as long as you’re being a kind and good person. Calvin laughs at the stupid rules and makes his own while others complain about his lack of adherence. Yeah you’ll get punched in the face afterwards (or laid off), but if you make fun of yourself while you’re laying on the floor the humor will pick you back up.  

Be a strong, loving, vulnerable friend. 

Everyone wants Hobbes to be real (maybe not Moe).  It’s magical when you think about it. One of the most powerful stories is when a dog knocks Calvin down and steals his stuffed animal (Note: Hobbes looks like a normal stuffed animal to everyone else – pure genius Billy Dubs). When his parents are out looking for him at night the mother yells out “HOOOOBBES!” and you want to cry. Or maybe you just do. Think of the loneliness her son must be coping with (rather expertly might I add) and she wants so badly for this one glimmer of connection, love, and understanding to at least for an instance to be real enough to help them find his rock. Even Susie steals Hobbes for a tea party, someone else who is utterly alone, but without the confidence to scribble outside the lines. Both want to be saved by the love Calvin somehow has internally which has manifested itself into his imaginary, but truer friend than anyone else in the story has. At the end of the day it's himself.

Therefore only Calvin has the power to make him real and it’s through nothing else but that supreme power of love. Calvin argues with Hobbes, fights him, makes fun of him and vice versa. They challenge each other to be better people and confront each other with differing perspectives. I was witnessing what a true loving friendship looks like and luckily had real friends to apply the lessons to. Together they talk about extremely tough subjects like death, environmental degradation, fear at every single level, the list goes on. But some of my favorite stories are when they are faced with subjects or problems they just don’t understand or can’t find an answer for. Some might get angry, and at times they do too, but they always find their way to love.  As F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "All life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase --'I love you.'" (apologies to my Lit friends if I misunderstood this quote!)

Sometimes you’ve gotta shrug your shoulders, say the world’s gone mad, and just hug the shit out of the ones you love the most.  And sometimes, a lot of the times, that’s probably the only correct response. Calvin was not afraid to take on a best friend he doesn’t agree with on all levels, but more importantly he wasn’t afraid to love his best friend with conviction and EXPRESS IT. And, of course, Hobbes unflinchingly loves him back. 

I lost that reading competition to a girl who was very much like Calvin. An outsider who loved reading fantasy books. She was made fun of relentlessly. Shit, I know I contributed at times (however, she did put her boogers all over the place making for some irresistible middie-schoo fodder). But the saddest scene I ever witnessed was when our English teacher – the same one I conquered through my Calvin & Hobbes education – berated this poor girl for reading in class. What an asshole. And this girl wasn’t reading “Sideways Stories from Wayside High” (BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW EPIC THAT BOOK IS AT SOME POINT?!). It was the Hobbit. This girl was so obviously light-years ahead of the rest of the class. I mean, I'm over here arguing for cartoons and she's ripping Tolkien? Dayummm gurrrrrrrl! Reading “Maniac McGee” was a waste of her time and the teacher couldn’t understand that? You had to go out of your way to dress down someone for being too advanced? I think the teacher was scared of the power of that young girl. Or maybe it was the boogers. Either way, Calvin calls BULLSHIT. 

I could teach an entire course on the lessons I’ve learned from Calvin & Hobbe’s misadventures and it wouldn’t scratch the surface of the soul Bill Watterson meticulously creates for each strip. However, I do know my top three lessons: don’t let them take your individuality, know what to laugh at and laugh, and when you get confused to the point of impasse turn to love.