I was not listening ??

This book is what I consider a "double edge sword", not sure if the translation is right but it means that something is good and bad at the same time. Why? Because it started my process into becoming a better listener but at the same time, it made it obvious when someone is not listening.

I started this book based 100% on its cover, it is risky and a bit provoking, "You're not listening". It made me feel challenged and a bit guilty about how many people I supposedly listen but actually don't.

In the following article I will try to share with you a bunch of stuff you will find on this book, as well as some interpretations from my side that have one single goal, that you read this book.

"We are engaged with the dialogue of the deaf"        

How many times a day we speak with people? How many times do we listen accurately? Does it matter when we speak with someone important for us? Unfortunately, we are deaf even to our loved ones and this book gives us a chance to start listening, not hearing, that is commonly misunderstood.

This has been present and obvious since long ago, since the 20th century, people were creating spaces for listening, such as the Algonquin Round Table, where people met for launch and listening each other.

Impressively, even in this places, participants shared that they still felt lonely, ignored and not quite listened. I am not sure what made this "good listeners" actually not good, but this 4 frequently cites about bad listening behaviors are quite accurate. Right?

1. Interrupting
2. Responding vaguely
3. Looking at something else that the speaker
4. Fidgeting

I have to admit, I did and probably still do, some of this in my daily conversations. But not everything is lost, keep reading.

"...everybody is interesting if yous ask the right questions"        

Based on her experience as an interviewer, Kate Murphy shared this thought with her readers and it made a lot of sense. The thing is that making good questions is not as easy as it sounds. You will be impressed on how low-quality questions we actually ask on simple 1 on 1 conversation because of our lack on listening abilities. As soon as I started double thinking my questions, I promise you, I found an amazing space between actually listening and just hearing someone else. At first, of course, it was a bit uncomfortable, I even had awkward conversations where I just kept silent for seconds thinking on what to ask, but the book made sure to make me feel safe and kind of better by explaining that this silence is or should be perceived as authentic interest and active listening.

If you want to receive great answers, you should start asking ene greater questions and you'll find even more than you ever imagined.

Listening is so powerful that Kate rescues focus groups, something considered old, not valuable enough and even obsolete. most companies have chosen moving forward past this old tool and start creating marketing campaigns and new products based just and data analysis. Kate never discredits Data Analytics as a science, but when she starts stating facts around his listening people is even better than Data Analytics and sharing them through a whole chapter, she gives us a chance to ask a bunch of awesome questions such as; Is data analysis the best way? Is it better or just faster for companies to take decisions? Is listening against Data Analytics?

If you are interested on going more profound on this debate, go and take a look to the following book:

"Algorithms aspire to make guesses that will be as accurate as possible. They don't aspire to understand" - Mathew J Salganik        

Listening is not just important for individual relationships or marketing campaigns, employers, business owners and actually anyone should be worried about how bad we are at listening. HBS published a study where they estimate that at many companies, employees can spend as much as 80% of their time communicating. This is simply astonishing, 8 out of 10 minutes spent communicating with a bad listener is just a waste of time and money. Considering that most companies do not pay attention on listening and we focus mainly talking, I thinks we have a serious problem to fight ASAP. ???

The impacts of bad listening are exponential and I would risk to say that even unknown for so many people, myself included prior to this book. Researchers at the University of Minnesota and Illinois found that negative interactions impact even 5 times more than positive ones. This means that basically we would need let's say, 5 good news and compliments in order to neutralize the effect of not listening. Let's start listening! ???

We do not just cover effects and tips on better listening, Kate takes us back to physiology and teaches us a bunch of amazing stuff about or listening process and our main tools for this to happen, not just our ears.

"Processing what someone says, it turns out, is one of the most intricate and involved things we ask our brains to do."        

The process is so amazing, that we are able to interpret the emotional aspect of messages even with obscured words. Have yo heard about the Wernicke's area? Well, now you have and you should not forget it. Why? Because thanks to this hard-to-spell-name' brain area, listening with our right ear, will process information faster because on how our ears are connected with our left side of the brain (W-E-R-N-I-C-K-E). ??????

Wernicke's area is located exactly in the juncture or connection of our visual and auditory cortices. This means that both senses are hyper-connected.

"During perfect audible conversations, lipreading is responsible for as much as 20 percent of your comprehension.  Moreover, it's widely thought that at least 55 percent of the emotional content of a spoken message is, in fact, transmitted non verbal"        

As you can see, we know a lot of stuff regarding listening, its mechanics, our ear structure, ear protection and even our listening opportunities, but the most important of them all, is that we are conscious that listening is improvable through practice and motivation.

People around us deserves this continuous improvement, and we do too.

Something really interesting and bizarre at the same time, is the cultural listening barrier. The author goes through it with specific data that I will exemplify in an imaginary scenario.

Jos enters the room and will be presenting a possible international project with a global client. He starts presenting in English of course, and while he is stating some facts, the American partner interrupts with some comments that feel like gibberish to "be part of" the presentation. The presentation keeps moving forward and Jos starts throughing some questions to various partners. He ask his Japanese partners a simple question and they just stay silent for 8.2 seconds prior to answering. Everything starts feeling weird and as soon as the Japanese turns to the American partner with another question, the American partner interrupts and changes the question. This keeps going and it is obvious that both the Finnish and Japanese partners are confortable with long silent gaps while me and the American partner try to compensate this gaps with some jokes.

I hope you were uncomfortable reading the past situation, I meant it to be weird. Kate Murphy presents data around cultures and it is obvious that listening will become a bigger challenge when listening different cultures, but as mentioned before, listening is something you can become better at which some patience and practice.

"The squeaky wheels get the grease" vs "The silent maan is the bist to listen to"        

Through the last pages, I sent a message to someone I care a lot about and I promised her that from this book on, my listening was going to accomplish the 4?maxims given by the author but interpreted and reinvented by myself:

1. Quality - saying the truth while speaking and not just creating noise through our conversations
2. Quantity - offering as much time as wanted or needed by her and myself while having a listening conversation
3. Relation - being empathic and listening carefully while relating myself to what she was sharing
4. Manner - listening kindly and respectfully

"Tis the good listener who makes the good conversation"        

I enjoyed every minute, every page and every word read through my 5th book this year.

I have to emphasize that this is not supposed to be a summary nor a substitute for the book, it is only sharing some amazing stuff from Kate's work and trying to share what it meant and how it impacted my life. Let me show you how I chose the things I shared throughout this article:

Please consider this book as your next one, it is worth every page and we need better listeners.