I know I am not racist. But

I am not racist.

I am trying my best to raise two daughters to be citizens of the world, curious, grateful, loving, open, brave and, above all, kind. After the Christchurch shootings I talked to my eldest about racism and bigotry and intolerance. We went to our nearest mosque to pay our respects.

So I know I am not racist.

My parents gave me a copy of Cry Freedom to read when I was 10. I remember the experience clearly. I devoured it - reading late into the night under the covers, eyes-burning, my heart aching with the injustice and my belly full of anger. 

My brother and I used to watch Mississippi Burning as teens. We would cheer when Gene Hackman beats up on the Klan guy. Every time. What a hero. My favourite book at the time was To Kill a Mockingbird.

So I am pretty sure I am not racist.

This last couple of weeks I have been observing events unfold in the US and around the world from my little bubble in New Zealand. I have watched the news, kept up with the developments. My mind has been engaged. But truthfully my heart has been absent. It has all been happening out there. Over there. Beyond me. I have nothing to say or to add or to do that would be of value or relevance here. No words of wisdom. Besides I loathe insincere virtue-signalling. Nothing is required of me here. Best to ‘like’ a few facebook posts and silently support the protests from a distance.

Then I hear Resmaa Menakem being interviewed by Krista Tippett*. He says “Your niceness is inadequate to deal with the level of brutality that has occurred”.  I feel he is talking directly to me.

And so I decide to pay closer attention. This weekend I gather, and reflect on, some facts:

• I live in a blindingly white neighbourhood. I would guess less than 5% of the residents here are non-white (actually probably less 2%).
• All of my close friends locally are white.
• 97.2 % of my facebook friends are white.
• My daughters close friends are all white.
• My colleagues are all white.
• I have never (in a 25 years career) worked for a non-white boss.
• In the past 2 years, almost all of my executive coaching clients have been white.
• I read often and (so I thought) widely yet less than 5% of the books on my shelves are by non-white writers.
• Just 10% of the music on my phone is by black artists.
• Not one of the movies/shows on my long Netflix “My List” features a black lead actor.
• The thinkers I have turned to for inspiration and for solace through these past few tumultuous months (Krista Tippett, Alain De Botton, David Whyte, Ester Perel, Eckhart Tolle and others) are wonderful, soulful, profoundly wise people...and white. 

The data is inescapable. And it is damning.

I still don't think I am racist. But to an independent observer my life choices might suggest otherwise.

So I take a Harvard Implicit Association Test* which is designed to detect unconscious bias. It tells me I have a strong automatic preference for Whites over Blacks. 

I feel sick. I re-take it. The results are the same. I wonder what the 10 year old girl reading under the bedcovers would think. Now my heart is engaged. And I know the work to be done isn’t ‘out there’ at all, its in here.

I have prided myself on being a decent person, caring and deeply curious about people, their stories, their hopes, their fears.  Its becoming very clear to me that I have drawn the boundaries of my curiosity very narrowly indeed. And the pool from which I draw wisdom and inspiration is far, far too shallow. 

If this data disturbs me then it also points the way forward, to where I might make a start. To make room in my mind, my work, my shelves, my ears for more voices, perspectives, stories, colour. To seek and invite those with humility, quietness, an open heart and a preparedness to accept that part of the story I have been telling myself, about myself, is wrong.

Not much, but a start. And I know I can do this much. It feels good, exciting even.

There is something else I know I need to do though. To be a whole lot less nice when I hear racism of any kind (thankfully it's not often, but its also not never, and I think we can deduce from the facts above that perhaps I have not been paying close enough attention anyway). To stop squirming and peddling hard to change the topic to safer ground. To look people I care about in the eye and say, clearly and with love: No. Not cool. Not in my house. Not in my presence. Not any more. We can do better. 

Niceness is no longer adequate. It never was. 

*References

You can find the Harvard Implicit Association Tests here. NB Project Implicit is a non-profit organization and international collaboration between researchers who are interested in implicit social cognition - thoughts and feelings outside of conscious awareness and control. The goal of the organization is to educate the public about hidden biases. 

You can listen to Krista Tippett's interview with therapist and trauma specialist, Resmaa Menakem here.