I Kinda Miss Getting Lost

I’m not as good with directions as I used to be. I blame GPS and/or poor night vision. But, mostly GPS. It's clearly dulled my navigation skills.  I’m telling you I was like Jason Bourne. You’d give me an intersection, I’d spend 8 seconds looking at a map, then I’d floor it!

Sadly that’s not the case anymore. Now I drive with one eyeball on the road and one on my smart phone careful to keep my car on the red line that's guiding me to my next point. Heaven forbid the suction should release on the bracket and send the device tumbling across my dashboard. I’m liable to crash into a Sushi restaurant. “Re-calculating.” Yah, why don’t you re-calculate my insurance rates while you’re at it too!

Never imagined I’d say this, but I’m nostalgic for those old maps. That’s coming from a guy who 20 years ago used to say things like, “They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t build a better map!” Then I’d crush it into a paper ball and cram it into the glove compartment. 

Sorry, but I can't help feel that we're losing a feel for the place we're traveling too. Gone are the days when we studied the landscape looking for that side road we were told to take. Now our vision is limited to the road directly in front of us while our peripheral vision takes in our navigation system. For some of you, it may the reverse.

Sure, we got lost half the time, but we always made it to our destination. Driving was more like sailing back in the day. You’d “tack” towards your destination. You’d corner it. You’d eliminate dead ends. You were an explorer. You got to know the area you were visiting. More than that, you'd get to talk to people who took pride in giving you directions. “It’s a block from the Bell Tower. Can’t miss it! If you hit the Scraggly Toe Tavern you’ve gone too far,” they'd say. Maybe they'd even draw you a special map which was clear evidence of their genuine concern for your safe arrival.

I don't mean to suggest I was ever a cowboy, or any kind of pioneer, but I do remember taking a certain amount of pride in reaching a place I had never been before. Not anymore. Now I key an address into my smart phone and wait for that tender female voice to guide me gently towards my destination like a pampered pig-human from Wall-E.

What really annoys me is how forgiving she is. She doesn’t curse or express any anxiety for missing an exit, she simply figures out a new set of directions and guides us anew without the slightest hint of aggravation. Which leads me to believe that, on the issue of whether we make it to our destination or not, Siri really couldn't care less.

So, I did something crazy. I turned off my GPS on a trip up north to Michigan's Upper Peninsula! I can hear the gasps of shock. "But that's crazy. Tell us what happened?"

I got lost. Just liked I'd hoped. Made a wrong turn somewhere between there and not there. "Just like the old days," I muttered to myself, smiling wistfully as my predicament slowly became known to me.

I continued along the road and stopped at the nearest gas station. As I entered the mini mart my expectations soared. Standing at the register was man approximately sixty-five years of age wearing overalls underneath a red, plaid jacket. He had a mop of unkept hair, but a smooth, clean shaven face. He was chatting with the man behind the register who looked like he might have shared a classroom or two with him.

I smiled confidently as I approached the pair. "Pardon me gentlemen, I seemed to have made a wrong turn back yonder." Yeah, that's right, I said 'yonder'. I even peppered in a little Jimmy Stewart that I managed to dig up from the chest of old, but not forgotten impressions. "Was wondering if you could point me in the direction of Harris, Michigan?

Both men looked at me with a confused look on their face.

"Is your battery dead?" Asked the man behind the register.

I frowned wondering what my car battery had to do with my being lost. "Ah," I managed as I looked over at my car. "I don't-"

"If it is, I can charge it behind the register here for you."

"You can?" Still thinking we were talking about my car. As this point I might as well have just pretended I was a time traveller from the 80s and switched out my Jimmy Stewart act for a little Michael J. Fox.

"Yeah, I've got an outlet here."

"Oh, you mean my phone," I said. Both men, once again looked at each other. "No, it's fine. I don't have a smart phone, I mean I do, I just lost it."

At this point, the customer pulled out his phone and asked me to repeat the name of the town I was looking for. The look of disappointment on my face was palpable. This what not what I was hoping for. I wanted to know about the historic church steeple, the abandoned white barn with the flag painted on it, the old Texaco gas station with the Pepsi-Cola sign hanging above the store front, the-

Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling! Both men stared slightly left of my crotch. Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling.

"Found it!"

I pulled the phone out my pocket. "I'd lose my head if it wasn't bolted on." My Jimmy Stewart came out a little squeaky as I tried to hide my discomfort. Both men smiled politely and I took this as my cue to exit.

"Hi," I answered.

"Are you there yet?" My wife asked.

"No. Made a wrong turn."

"Oh, no! I'm sorry to hear that. Are you safe?"

Am I safe? Am I safe?? I scanned the horizon for Apache warriors. "Now, don't you go worrying about me, you hear. I may be a stranger to these parts but I reckon any man who fixes to inconvenience me with a fight and got the wits to mount a defense worthy of the trouble I'm sure to bring him."

"Umm, yeah right. Just text me when you get there, okay."

That could be a while. The locals here don't seem too amenable to the needs of strangers. On to the next watering hole...