I Killed Someone To Get Here

Let me tell you about this guy I knew about 10 years ago.

He was super outgoing, was thought of as the life of the party, loved hanging out with friends, had hobbies he enjoyed, and was a pretty trusting and fun person overall.

Then... I killed him.

Now, before you call 911, I should mention that the guy I was describing above was me.

It just hit me one day, I wasn't the same person I used to be. Which isn't shocking, I mean, we all change and change can be good. But what I've begun to realize is that the change that's come over me hasn't been a positive one. Yes, there are positive things that have happened because of the success of my company and the connections I've gained, but at the core of who I am, I don't really like who I've become. And if I'm being honest, I really do miss that guy I described earlier.

Yes, he was naive, but man was he enthusiastic. Yes, he was loud and obnoxious sometimes, but man was he fun and outgoing. And probably the thing I miss most about him was his passion. He hadn't taken a bruising, he hadn't been disappointed a million times, and because of that, he had boundless passion.

Most people that meet me don't even know I'm responsible for that heinous murder. They see me as I am and they think this is who I've been. But those that are closest to me, they notice. My wife will often opine at how she misses how excited I used to get when I was working on a project. It used to drive her crazy that I could be like a hummingbird with my attention span back then, but now that it's gone, she notices.

My parents have both mentioned how I don't come to as many family functions any more and when I'm there, I'm not the same as I used to be... So, they notice.

Luckily, my kids are all quite young, so they don't remember how much fun I used to be. I mean, I still like to think I'm a fun dad, but even I recognize that I'm going through the motions most of the time. And I miss how much I genuinely enjoyed being goofy with them before... so yeah... I notice.

And this has been a focus of mine recently. I'm really trying to find out if I can resurrect some of who I used to be. I know that some of it is gone forever, and in my quieter moments, that really gets to me. But hell, that's growing up I guess.

But man, I'd really love to get some of that spark back. And I've begun to realize, through introspection and therapy, that it really has to be a conscious effort on my part. I've started stopping myself when I'm doing something I enjoy, and I will say in my head or even out loud: "this really makes me happy. I'm enjoying this. I should do this more." Because, if I don't actively remind myself of it, then I'll forget and I'll shift back into autopilot and be surprised when something engages me again.

If you've been reading my articles, you've probably surmised that I'm using this as a form of therapy, but I really do enjoy the conversations that these things create. So, if you're guilty of murder yourself, let's talk about it. Maybe there's a way we can all bring the best parts of those people we've killed back.