I just want to be myself

I have spoken to scores of people on my podcast and as a coach and when I ask what's important to you, the most common thing I hear is "I just want to be myself".

When people share their the story of their life the will reference a point in their life when they didn't feel like themselves. They felt lost, overwhelmed or caught up in the busyness of life.

In the most extreme circumstances people have told me that they got to a point of such confusion, sadness or distress where they have tried to take their own life. T

This is how serious not being yourself can get.

These same people have told me how a moment or a series of movements allowed them to see themselves differently. They made conscious decisions to behave in ways that felt right for them and when they did this consistently they really felt they could be themselves.

It is quite scary, worrying and humbling to hear that people have lived for decades if not their whole lives not feeling like themselves.

It is absolutely clear that wanting to "being myself" is wired within all of us, but what does it actually mean and what can we do to achieve this?

The best definition I have come up with to being yourself so far is

What you say and do is a true reflection of how you think and feel

Your actions and behaviours is the external world you have created. How you think and feel is your internal world, private to just you.

Drifting - Low Internal, Low External

Are your actions and behaviours coming from within yourself or is there something having influence on you?

If you not taking constant action and lack purpose or meaning you are Drifting through life and to be honest we don’t have the time to drift.

The reason when people get stuck drifting is because they are too scared to try something new or they don’t want to do the work.

Truth is, these are not negotiable, you have to face your fears and you have to put on the work.

Hiding - High Internal, Low External

Do you know deep down what’s important and think about it constantly?

Do you feel connected to a purpose, a mission and have meaning in your life?

Are you doing anything about it?

If you are keeping what means the most to yourself then you are Hiding from your true life.

We hide because we are scared what the world might think or say about us if they saw the real you, we hide because we are trying to fit in.

We hide because there the dream is safe, it cannot fail, if you take action on your dreams the reality will not meet your expectations and you feel that is not worth the risk.

Acting - High External, Low Internal

What happens when you are constantly doing more and more but you don’t care about what you doing?

Doing more for the sake of it, because it’s expected of you or because that’s just the way it is, is not being yourself.

Taking action without any connection to how you truly think and feel is Acting.

This can be a “successful” way to live, but if you really don’t care about what your doing what is the point?

And if you’re happiness and fulfilment comes from achievement then you will have to keep pushing and pushing and never be content.

And that will end in burnout!

What if you harnessed that drive and effort into something that you cared deeply about?

Being - High Internal, High External

Are your actions, behaviours and the external world you have created in alignment with your thoughts, values and beliefs, your internal world?

Remember, nothing or no one is perfect and I have been in every box in this diagram at some point in my life and there is always one part of my life that falls outside of Being.

And that is ok.

However, if there is an area of your life where you are not being yourself, that is having a negative impact on you and the people around you, and you are aware of this negativity, and you do nothing about it, that is not ok.

You have the opportunity to make changes.

It will take deep thought, effort, reflection, adjustment, time and a willingness to keep going.

If that sounds like too much hard work, remember this quote from Bill Gates

“Most people overestimate what they can do in one year and underestimate what they can do in ten years.”

How can you be yourself?

To understand how to be yourself you must understand which are the areas of your life have the greatest impact on who you are.

From all of my conversations I have had the people who were truly comfortable with who they were and being 100% authentic they had worked on these three areas of their lives.

Career

What does career mean to you?

A source of income, something that has to be done, a means to an end?

or

A calling, how you serve and contribute to your community or society, a mission with purpose and meaning?

The people who are being themselves have taken an active and conscious role in their careers. They have committed, worked hard and put in the effort into that means something to them.

Not one person told me they had the perfect job from the get go and many people have changed careers on multiple occasions across multiple industries. They were willing to try, learn and adapt.

We spend a huge amount of our lives working and if you are doing something that you fundamentally dislike or hate that will eat you up and spit you out. I have done it, I have worked in jobs that went against the very core of who I was and that is soul destroying.

Finding a career that has purpose and meaning to you is not an exact science and there is not shortcut to success, however when you are in the company of a person who is working in a job that enables them to be who they truly are it is uplifting and inspiring.

There are so many reasons why people do not pursue a career that has purpose and meaning.

The amount of time, effort or money it will take.

The belief that they are not good enough to do it.

The worry of what other people will think about them.

No doubt, to achieve the career you really want will take a lot of you. However all the people I have spoken to, said the same thing.

It was worth it.

Relationships

From your closest most intimate relationship to how you interact with a stranger on the street they are matter.

How are you with people?

Do you act and behave differently depending who you are with?

Are you putting on a show or putting up with peoples negative behaviour because you want to fit in.

Of course we need boundaries depending who we are interacting with and we will share more about ourselves with different people. However there is a difference between how much share and behaving completely different.

The people who are comfortable with who they are built quality relationships and did not take them for granted. They had strong bonds with their families and friends and demonstrated this by sharing what they did together, not just how they felt.

I have spoken to a lot of small business owners on my podcast and one of the most profound things I discovered is how highly they regard their customers or clients.

And not just because these are the people who are paying them.

No, they have a real and deep connections with the people that they work with. These professional relationships are the reason they started their business and you can see from talking to them how much they mean.

Personal Goals

When you are sitting on plane waiting for take off the cabin crew will take the passengers through the safety briefing and they explain if the cabin looses pressure how to fit your oxygen mask, they say

"Put your own mask on before helping someone else"

Having personal goals is how you look after yourself so you can be the best person to help, support and serve those around you.

Don't confuse doing something for yourself as being selfish.

As much as we need and require people around us, we also need things in our lives that are just for us. Because having interests or hobbies that mean something to you will enable you to develop and grow as a person.

What excites you?

What challenges you?

What would you do even when you're on your own?

The most important thing to consider when looking at personal goals is that they are personal. This may sound obvious and simple but I am constantly amazed when chatting to people who are participating in activities that at best they have little interest in or at worse they hate.

Don't do something because you should do it, because its the done thing or you're trying to impress someone. That is Acting and utter nonsense.

What to do next

If you really want to be yourself, your have to be honest with yourself first. Answer these 10 questions.

1. What are your core values?
2. How are your values being honoured in your career, relationships and personal goals?
3. How are your values being dishonoured in your career, relationships and personal goals?
4. If you had a magic wand what would your career, relationships and personal goals look like?
5. What are the first steps you can take to move you closer to these ideals?
6. Who do you need to talk to that will support your change?
7. How will you keep yourself accountable to the changes?
8. How will you know when you have made the changes?
9. What will you do to reward yourself?
10. How will you know you are being yourself?