I just told my son to f**k off!

This is a hard article to write and I post it with a sense of trepidation and shame. After all, I have my reputation to think about, I'm a professional, working with children and young people, I am the expert and I 'should' be better than this. So I have been sitting on this post for awhile picking up the courage to press the publish button. So here it is......

I like to consider myself to be a 'good enough' parent but the other day (now weeks ago!!) I wasn't good enough. I failed spectacularly! I made a massive mistake.

The context

My boys are classic teenagers and act as if the world revolves around them and appear mortally offended if I dare to ask for help. They are often too busy keeping up with their box sets, maintaining their points advantage on certain games and watching you-tube essential viewing.  They struggle to stay on top of their social media updates. They really haven't got time to help the in-house slaves with doing pointless, meaningless and boring things like cooking, cleaning and clearing up.

When I ask my sons for help I can literally predict the existential pain and sheer annoyance that surges through their bodies. It is as if my request is translated into an invitation for pain that is worse them actually poking their own eyes out.  To ask for them to take some responsibility is seen as an abuse and I am sometimes playfully threatened with a call to child line! Sometimes they just look at me, like I am actually stupid for suggesting that they could help. 

My simple requests could include....

"Could you empty the dishwasher please?"

The boy responds with, "Why, it's not my turn, I did it last week!"

"Could you hang up YOUR jacket please?"

The boy responds with, silence or an "ugh" or possibly with "can't you do it?" or "I'll do it in a bit" (translated as; ignore and forget)

"Could you clean up your mess?"

The boy responds with , "I'll do it later" - with the belief that the house slaves and magical invisible fairy will clean it up when no-one is looking. 

I try and be a good enough parent

My boys have chores to do which are printed out and stuck on the family notice board and are as follows...

Jobs for the boys

1. Empty the dishwasher
2. Clear the draining board
3. Iron your shirts
4. Make your school lunch
5. Clean bedroom

If they don't complete their chores there will be consequences including removal of screens, reduction of pocket money, more chores or they may even be  grounded.

I'm only human....

So, back to the story and my verbal outburst..... Last weekend I had had enough. There is only so much that a parent can absorb and my good counselor mantle was clearly cast aside. I was busy and had requested some help and after the usual moaning, grumpy faces, lethargy, whining, slowness and more moaning, I snapped and said  

"Fuck off - I will pay you ￡10 just to go away"

The boy protested that I swore at him, but I was on a roll and my inner child was in full flow

"I don't care, get out of my sight" 

The boy became visibly upset and responded and  told me that he was going to run away from home

"I don't care - just go!" (ouch!)

It was a moment of 'poor me' and I had lost some perspective in what I was saying. How had I let those words not only enter my head but come out of my mouth? 

The Road to Recovery

It's what you do next that matters most....

Not long after this ugly utterance left my lips, I realized that I had lost it, I had lost control and was  acting like a little boy. Within minutes of this episode I went into full recovery mood and started the road to repair, apology and re connection. 

But, the boy was really upset, he was actually distraught. I apologized to him and took responsibility for my anger and frustration and tried to explain why I blurted out my anger.

The boy walked out of the house and I felt sick 

After about an hour he fortunately returned and we sat down and I apologized to the boy and told him what an idiot I had been

Two hours later, I apologized again and asked his forgiveness.  The boy was thankfully able to tell me that he could forgive me.

Afterwards, I felt drained, tired and mortified. Shame came to my door once again as I chewed over my failure. I  felt terrible about myself. Fortunately that evening I was able to express my shame to my wife and she responded emphatically, which was exactly what I needed.  

It's not over just yet.....

Later at the boys bedtime, I apologized once again while stroking his face and telling him how terrible I felt.

The boy had recovered (this was clearly for my benefit now!)

I slept well. The next morning the boy appeared in my bedroom in a happy connected mood. But just as I was leaving for work, I walked back in the house met him at the kitchen table and once again apologized and kissed him....

The boy responded by saying "What are you doing? , You've already done that!" 

What I heard was - 'I've moved on dad, it's now time for you to move on!'

From outburst to recovery took about 15 hours. Not brilliant but I am pleased with that.

I am pleased with how I handled the recovery and I hope that by taking responsibility for my behavior, it will help the boy to see me as good enough parent.