“I just can’t stop...!"

At this time of the year, it feels appropriate to re-share this story which I first published on my personal blog site in 2018.

I have a number of friends who have openly shared with me their stories of addictions and how they found the strength and courage to overcome them and I'm grateful for the learning shared in our conversations.

Equally, I've shared in conversations with other people who have not been able to move away from addiction, one such story is shared below.

Both perspectives have helped me in my roles with Lifeline, as executive director and volunteer crisis supporter, to be aware of my own judgements and perceptions and in aiming to help others, suspend my judgements in order to provide the space to meet people where they are at.

To everyone seeking help with addiction, or supporting someone who is, know there is always someone on the other end of the line at Lifeline who will be there to listen with compassion, empathy and without judgment.

Call 13 11 14 or text 0477 13 11 14, anytime of the day or night, or via our chat service at https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Here's the story re-shared:

I’m smart enough to know what it’s doing to me, I understand the science, but its grip seems to eat into everything… relationships, responsibilities, my very being.

I think about it all the time; how can I get it? what if I can’t get it? do they know I’ve had it?

It damn tortures me! It’s a disease that I know is trying to kill me, yet I still do it.

I just can’t stop!

People don’t understand what I go through, daily. Some might suggest that I “just stop it” – but they don’t understand – if only they could know what it's like…

Maybe then I would stop…?”

Anon. (Conversation, 2018) and shared with permission.

I sat with this person recently (2018) as they shared with me the trauma and torment that addiction causes in their life. There was nothing that I could do to stop their trauma, instead all I could do was to be with them; not in judgment, but in brotherhood, and let them know that I was there to share in their pain…. if they like.

Please don’t misunderstand, this was not easy to hear and my instinctive response was to ‘fix’, rather than ‘meet’ this person. Fixing ‘solves’ and it sorts out the pain and provides a release… or does it... and for who? I’m grateful that I am (sometimes) able to recognise the cues when I’m moving to ‘fixing’ and on this occasion, I did, and stopped.*

There is a good reason for this as Canadian addiction expert and medical Doctor, Dr Gabor Mate, reminds us:

“Although we may believe we are acting out of love, if we are critical of others or work very hard to change them, it’s always about ourselves. ‘The alcoholic’s wife is adding to the level of shame her husband experiences,’ says Anne, a veteran of Alcoholics Anonymous.

‘In effect, she is saying to the addict, he is bad and she is good. Perhaps she is in denial about her addiction to certain attitudes, like self-righteousness, martyrdom, or perfectionism. What if, on the other hand, the wife said to her husband, ‘I’m feeling good today, honey. I only obsessed about your drinking once today. I’m really making progress on my addiction to self-righteousness.”

Source: In the Realms of Hungry Ghosts

One thing that stands out now that I am working more closely in the social services sector, is the impact that addictions have in our society. Whether this be addiction to; substances, exercise, gambling, work, sex, shopping, perfectionism or social media (etc...), they can impact on both our own and the lives of others in many ways.

Addictions, just like many of life’s other ‘wicked problems‘, they can be challenging to firstly understand, and then tackle. This can be especially challenging when we are trying to understand them from the perspective of others and if we are not aware of our own biases and perceptions. This is why we do a lot of work on 'self-awareness' when training our crisis supporters at Lifeline, as the more aware we are of ourselves, the more we can suspend our own judgements when attending to, and connecting with, those who seek our help.

This is consistent with the thoughts of noted author on the topic of addiction, Johann Hari, who speaks of how critical our social connections are if our aim is to support people who are gripped by addiction. For example in his book Chasing the Storm, Hari offers that:

“The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety. It’s connection.”

Source: Johann Hari in Chasing the Scream

This especially resonates with me as some of the most poignant moments working as a crisis supporter at Lifeline is when toward the end of a call, the person who has called says something like;

"Just talking with you has helped me work through things. It's clearer for me now and I can see a different path forward that I was blind to before."

This type of comment is not made because I performed some mystical or magical act of 'fixing', instead and ironically, it is because I resisted this. I met the person where they were at, I heard their story, allowed them to express how they were feeling and validated these feelings. I listened for signs of hope in what the person was sharing and reflected this back to them. Importantly, as we aim to do toward the end of all of our conversations at Lifeline, we empower the person seeking help to move toward that help in their lives. Our job is to provide the connection that Johan Hari posits is the opposite of addiction.

Hari's much watched TED Talk titled Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong is great if you are looking for further resources in understanding addiction.

Dr Gabor Mate challenges all who propose that the ‘solution’ to addiction is as easy as 'making a choice' to “just stop it”. This is especially challenging for those who focus only on the ‘medical model’ as a ‘fix’ for addiction. Mate (a medical doctor himself) proposes that addiction can be linked back to a painful experience in a person’s life:

“Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experience. A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden—but it’s there. As we’ll see, the effects of early stress or adverse experiences directly shape both the psychology and the neurobiology of addiction in the brain.”

Continuing the learning about addiction, this time from the perspective of social psychology and social identity theory, Alex Haslem et. al. book The New Psychology of Health - unlocking the social cure is ground-breaking and fills a gap by showing how social identity processes are key to understanding and effectively managing a broad range of health-related problems. As noted on the books website, it asks these three critical questions:

1. Why do people who are more socially connected live longer and have better health than those who are socially isolated?
2. Why are social ties at least as good for your health as not smoking, having a good diet, and taking regular exercise?
3. Why is treatment more effective when there is an alliance between therapist and client?

You might see a key theme floating through this piece, that is, connection; through attending to others and being there for them in times of need, is critical if our goal is to support people through addiction.

There is much more that has been written about and more that we could discuss in relation to addiction. While such discussion would be helpful (and necessary) in trying to understand it, perhaps the best thing we can do if we are fortunate enough not to be tormented by addiction, of if our aim is to provide to help, is to pause and reflect on the questions below.

Reflective Questions:

• How do we see others who struggle with the torment and seduction of an addiction?
• What does it mean to ‘be’ with people as they deal with addiction?
• How can we deal with the challenges of our own assumptions and judgments about addiction, that often fester away in our unconscious?

*Note: I acknowledge and respect the role that various medical and related professionals (e.g. Mental Health Nurses, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, specialist counsellors such A&OD), play in supporting people with services that support people with addictions. Such services are vital. The point made in sharing this story is to support those who may have people in their life working through addiction and they may be looking for ways to support them in the short term, or outside the context of the services noted above.

Postscript - Stories of HOPE:

A key to people seeking help are 'Stories of Hope', where people who have experience their own stories and journey, share them. One book that I recommend where people share many 'Stories of Hope' is a book(s) by the same name from Kerrie Atherton. You can read more about the books here - https://www.storiesofhope.com.au/

Immediate support is available for those in Australia either seeking help with addiction, or wanting to talk about someone in their life is may be dealing with addiction, via the following:

• Lifeline - phone 13 11 14, text 0477 13 11 14, or chat https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/ - all available 24/7
• Turning Point - https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/
• National Alcohol and Other Drug Hotline - 1800 250 015
• Family Drug Support - 1300 368 186
• Alcoholics Anonymous - https://aa.org.au/
• Narcotics Anonymous - https://www.na.org.au/multi/