I have some feedback for you

Notice your reaction to the words.

We are wired to want feedback, but we dread hearing the words “Can I give you some feedback?”. Immediately our fear center is triggered, and we shut down to protect ourselves. What we just heard was “Can I critique you and your work”?

Ouch….

Feedback, unsolicited and in its traditional form, is rarely useful or fosters improvement. Particularly when it is giver-driven. On the receiving end, we think of it as judgment. Judgment of us and/or of our work. Although often well intended, it just does not work very well.

“We think we hate feedback. Actually, we just don’t like it when it comes unsolicited from people”. - Marcia Smythe at NeuroLeadership Institute

With feedback there are 4 key elements to keep in mind:

1. Your group affects your response to feedback

We all belong to different groups and if the person giving you feedback belongs to your outgroup, you may not even hear what he or she is saying. You will only hear what you think the other person says. If the feedback is from someone in your ingroup, meaning someone you trust, you will be able to listen in a different way and hear more of what the person is actually saying.

Worth noticing is also that even if negative feedback is padded with positive feedback back and forth, we don’t hear the good stuff, nor will we remember anything else than the negative. Our threshold to shut off our listening to protect ourselves is low.

In short, the old feedback sandwich does not work. It’s gone stale. Throw it out if you haven’t already.

2. Feedback must be asked for to be truly valuable

When feedback is asked for it improves the situation for both giver and receiver, and it opens the door for more frequent feedback, thus improving workplace relations. When feedback is asked for, both sides feel less threatened, bias is reduced, and the feedback is more specific.

Create a culture where consistently asking for feedback is encouraged and establish agreements for how, when, where, and in what way feedback should be given.

3. Keep the feedback bite-sized

On the giver side, make sure that your feedback is clear, easy to understand, comes in small portions, and is actionable. Have a growth mindset and use a coach approach, creating a dialogue between equals as you are both there to learn, grow and do the best you can. Ask growth-oriented questions.

Appreciate the trust it took to ask for your feedback, and the trust needed to see other viewpoints. Be willing to support. Avoid telling the other person what to do by using phrases like “Here is what I think you should do…” and “I hope you are able to change…”. Instead, as examples of a coach approach and growth-oriented questions, say: “What specifically would you like feedback on?” or “What would be most helpful for you that we focus on?”

Taking a step back and appreciating what it takes to ask for feedback and then acknowledging it by saying “I appreciate your openness to other perspectives; how can I best support you?” is also useful.

4. Give credit where credit is due

Another key ingredient in a healthy work culture is “catching people at their best”. Make it a habit to notice what people do well and acknowledge them for it. It spreads ripples of positivity and creates a platform of appreciation and wellbeing. Additionally, it encourages people to keep excelling.

Truly seeing a person, does not take a lot of time. It takes presence and heart and is one of the best investments you can make. Keep in mind that praise is not feedback. Positive, strength-based feedback is specific and allows the recipient to build and expand on what they are already doing well and the qualities they bring to what they do.

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TL;DR:

Creating a culture for healthy feedback consists of being explicit in what you ask for and to ask often. Know what you want with the feedback. Value the other person’s time and insight and be willing to be open-minded, curious, and receptive. For the giver, it consists of appreciating where the recipient is coming from and being specific with the feedback you give. Remember the relationship between recipient and giver to ensure the feedback reaches home.

Thank you to NeuroLeadership and their webinar on feedback that inspired this article.