I have a new book idea! "Snappy Answers to Stupid LinkedIn Overtures."

Look people, if I have not responded to your first ask, the odds are exceedingly low that I will respond to more of the same, and if I do respond, that means I’ve either fallen down a flight of stairs and suffered brain damage, or you caught me in a moment of polite weakness. In the first example, please call an ambulance, and in the second, do not confuse my politeness for interest.

For the record, no, I am not interested in software development, bespoke suits, franchise opportunities, fractional jets, lead generation, virtual assistants, a lifestyle coach, a physical fitness coach, investment banking support, investment opportunities, public shells looking to merge into a private company, website developers, and I am definitely not interested in “executive coaching.” Frankly, I find that ask to be insulting.

If you say you’re happy to connect, and hope to have a call with me on that basis alone, I’m not interested. I do not have an interest in setting a call so we can explore and "find ways we can work together." That means one thing: “I have something to sell you.”

Use of clichés such as "circle back" and “reach out” and “I wanted to” are likely to get your missive stored in my special folder, which I access by using this thing called the “delete button.” Stop using the vulgar phrase, “I came across your profile,” because that begs for the snappy reply of, “I hope you cleaned it up.”

In case you are confused by my warnings, I’ll help you out. We’ll combine those clichés, just so you can see what a fully flowered uselessly platitudinous message looks like: “I reached out a few days ago after I came across your profile, so I wanted to circle back and see if we could find a way to work together.”

Ugh. Just stop. That’s an excess array of words that say: I have done little or no research on your interests and needs, but that’s not stopping me from trying to sell you something!

Vague messages are also prone to end up in my special folder. I’m not stupid, I know why you contacted me. You’re not looking to buy something from me, are you? You have something up your sleeve that you want to sell me. If I politely respond, then you think we’re having a conversation, and we’re not. If you have something to sell, be upfront.

If you eschew the use of a subject in your sentences, I’ll probably not respond. This seems to be a new affliction in younger people, and it’s almost as bad as backwards baseball caps, backpacks, and skinny jeans on men. Speaking of skinny jeans on men, if you cite your preferred pronouns, you’ve probably reduced the odds I’ll respond.

If you’ve reached out, circled back, came across my profile, or simply wanted to ask me something, and I’ve not responded, I have. In the immortal words of Roger Sterling, “my lack of response was my response.”

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