I Have a Lot on My Mind

My mind functions like a pile of garbage during a windstorm. One thought after another gets dumped onto the pile until there is a mountain of unnecessary, discarded trash. Then, a gust of wind comes along and the thoughts are stirred up into a whirlwind as I chase each one all over the heap. This is probably not the most effective way to use my mind. Yet I seem to refuse to let go of the refuse (See what I did there?).

Here’s how my thinking works. I sit down at my computer and immediately notice that there is a small stain on the rug next to my desk. I go the the cabinet where our cleaning supplies are kept and can’t find the rug cleaner. So, I hop into the car and drive down to the Dollar General store. However, our Dollar General is having trouble keeping employees. So, while they do sell rug cleaner, their supply of said rug cleaner is still in a box waiting for to be put on the shelf. However, the one employee who is working that day doesn’t know which box contains the rug cleaner and even if she did, she has to stay at the cash register instead of stocking the shelves. Welcome to living in the country.

So, I drive back home and decide to order rug cleaner from Amazon. But before I place my order, I search online for the “Best Rug Cleaners That Are Safe For Pets, The Environment, and Specifically Designed for Synthetic Rugs”. And yes, I do see the irony that a synthetic rug may not be all that safe for the environment. It is what it is. My search reveals 55,000 results. I scan the first thirty, make a choice, and order the rug cleaner. I sit back down at my desk but out of the corner of my eye, I can still see the stain. Knowing that I could never focus on my work with the stain staring back at me, I pack up my laptop, my water bottle, my power cord, and head out to the back porch to work. Once I have everything set up, I notice that there is a small stain on the rug on the porch. Well, you know the rest.

The challenge is not so much what’s on my mind but that I choose follow each thought down many different rabbit holes. For instance, right now, I’m dealing with a major health challenge. In April, I had extensive surgery for skin cancer that moved from my face to my lymph nodes. The surgery damaged a few nerves and as a result, I have to do physical therapy exercises each day so that I can regain full functioning of my shoulder. On top of that, I’ve been getting radiation treatments and those create an entirely different set of side effects. And while my prognosis is good, you can imagine that I have a lot on my mind right now. It’s quite amazing to me, however, that one simple thought can lead to a multitude of other useless thoughts.

Last week, I was doing my PT exercises when my mind started wandering. I thought about the numbness in my neck and wondered if it would ever improve. I thought about my damaged taste buds and feared that I might not be able to taste good food again. And I thought about how surprisingly good looking I had been before the surgery and that now, well, I’m only reasonably good looking (work with me on this). And then…

I looked through the kitchen window and saw a deer standing in my driveway. It was fairly large, had antlers, and seemed to be posing for a photograph—or perhaps just waiting for me to see it. I stopped my exercises, grabbed my phone, and took a grainy photograph though the window. As I pondered the situation, I realized what had happened. The universe had reminded me to get out of my head and get back to the moment. So, by being nudged back to reality, I not only saw a deer, I remembered to return my focus to the exercises—where it should have been in the first place. When I adjusted my attention, I was no longer worrying about all of those useless thoughts that had distracted me before the deer showed up.

I don’t know about you but my mind has a mind of it’s own. And if I let it loose, it will run circles around me. If, on the other hand, I focus on the task at hand, my mind will follow. Then, I find myself back in reality rather than in the reality my mind wants to create. And even when my reality is not what I want, such as dealing with cancer, it is still the reality that I have. When I can lean into that truth, and neither cling to it or run from it, I can live a more congruent life and handle whatever might come along.

So pay attention to paying attention. Be aware of being aware. And most importantly, consider whether your thoughts are creating a pile of garbage through which you’re digging. If you can avoid the rabbit holes, you can avoid saying, “Oh, dear” all the time and end up saying, “Oh, a deer” more often.