"I Have Gay Friends, SO I Cannot Be Homophobic"

Last night I went on a date.

Since I moved to Atlanta, GA in mid-January, I have been reluctant to explore the dating scene. My "reasons" have been: I am still unpacking, I am still trying to settle in, I miss my kids, the chickens are crossing the road, blah blah blah.

The truth though, is, that I am proudly bisexual. I am attracted to Black men and Black women, and I am very reluctant to engage in a conversation with a potential date only to discover that they might be homophobic.

Well, last night it finally happened.

I mustered up the courage and went out on a date with a young Black man. Outwardly, he is a gentleman, well-spoken, hard-working, and well-groomed. He happens to be a chef, and actually prepared dinner for me, and brought it to our picnic. All well and good.

Until it wasn't.

Our conversation was initially light-hearted, we exchanged pleasantries, and I dug in. He noticed my PRIDE rubber band/bracelet and asked about it. I told him what it was and explained that I wear it daily so that LGBTQ+ persons who see it would know immediately that I am a safe person.

I then told him how proud I am of Atlanta and the size of their multi-day PRIDE festival, explaining that after I attended my first one, last October, it played a role in my ultimate decision to move here.

Then it started.

He began to rant about how "horrible and unbearable" the city gets in October during "their pride thing". His tales of woe initially amused me. He lamented about hating the way the city transformed into "a den" of hungry, desperate gay men, who incessantly cat-called and chased after him.

He likened it to the way women feel when we are cat-called by men. He said it got so bad that he had to change his route home every night to avoid them and their "in-your-faceness".

More intrigued, I probed further, asking if he had any idea why this was happening to him. For reference, he had also earlier mentioned a former boss who had asked him if he was gay. He shrugged, blaming his love for tight jeans pants as a possible culprit. He also admitted that he is aware of how good-looking he is :)

Eventually, I heard myself ask him out loud, "Bro, are you homophobic?" "I'm not homophobic!" He retorted almost immediately. Then added, "I have two gay friends!" "But my friends are not over the top! They don't flaunt their gayness! They are not overdoing it. They are not all up in my face with it."

"I HAVE GAY FRIENDS, SO I AM NOT / CANNOT BE HOMOPHOBIC", is one of the greatest myths out there. It is also a misconception as well as misinformation. It is a straight-up lie! How do I know this? Because that line was also my line for a long time.

It is akin to the Whyte folks who often claim they are not racist, because welp, they have three Black friends.

In my case, I was not only homophobic against "flamboyant" gays, but I was also transphobic. And I, too was vocal about it. To the extent that my trans child heard me loud and clear. The worst thing is, that I was married to my ex-wife and living as a same-sex couple during that time.

My thoughts and feelings about the LGBTQ+ community were all rooted in INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA.

My definition of homophobia is: "An irrational fear of certain things that are naturally human." LGBTQ+ persons are naturally human. So, if you fear them for whatever reason, you are homophobic. It doesn't matter if you have only one straight friend and all the others are gay.

We do not have the right to dictate to anyone how they live their lives. How "gay" or how "straight" they should be. If someone is simply being themselves, we have no choice but to let them be.

Choosing to hate another person for who they are is simply that, hate. You can't love a group of people only in one way. You also can't decide to only love people when they are a certain way.

We should rather face accountability and ask ourselves why we feel the way we feel and where that feeling/thought originated. We must sit with our emotions and make peace with them. We must change our thoughts to change our actions.

If you would like to learn more about exactly how to do this or get a step-by-step process on how to move forward whether you are the victim of homophobia, or you are the homophobic person, then our upcoming webinar, Handling Homophobia for good, is a great place to begin.

Doors open this Thursday, May 16th.

Time, 6 pm EST.

Ironically, on May 17th, our previous date is the National Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, and Transphobia aka IDAHOBIT!

What a coincidence!

See you there!

Dr. L