I have ASD.

I have Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), or Aspergers in the old language. You may not recognise it when you meet me, as it is a high functioning form, but it's still very apparent if you spend much time around me. I have known since 2006, when I was still a high school student, and trying to figure out everything else that goes in your life at that time. 

For those who don’t know much about ASD, it is a developmental disorder that affects people who have it in a number of different ways. Every “Aspie” is different, but generally we all have difficulty in accurately reading the emotions and visual behavioral cues of others. So I might think someone is serious when they are joking, or vice versa. Other common (but not universal) traits that Aspies have, is that they tend to be perfectionists and very black and white. Personally, I can feel at peace or deeply uncertain about my life, but struggle to see the “shades of grey” between those realities. I also obsess over topics that interest me, and can struggle to regulate the volume I speak at. Oh, and sometimes I just struggle to smile properly.

One of the interesting quirks of being a high functioning “Aspie” is that I am able to cover up my differences when I need to. To prevent being seen as different, I have generally only told a select group of people about my reality. For the longest time, I have conditioned myself to see having ASD as a potential weakness that could be exploited by those who would choose to. I have also chosen to hide it from many employers in the past so as to prevent being treated unfavorably by those who wouldn't understand.

I thought I was doing myself a favour by 'pretending' and 'covering it up'. If I can get by being “normal” (whatever that means), then great! But more recently, I have really started to feel the negative effects that result from trying to cover up who you really are. By covering the atypical parts of my mind, I have been telling myself that my true self is something to be marginalised; something to be embarrassed by. Over time, this has made me play down my strengths and talk up my weaknesses, leading to ongoing problems with self esteem. 

I don’t know a single person who isn’t dealing (or previously dealt) with some long or short-term mental difference. Everyone deals with something in their life, it’s just that some of us are born different. Whenever I speak to someone who is going through a tough time, mentally, either due to recent illness or a long term difference, I am always quick to tell them that it isn’t something to be ashamed of, and that anyone who would make them feel bad for being honest about their true mental health and reality, isn’t someone they should want to have in their life (or work for).

I have no idea why it has taken me so long to heed my own advice. Call it hubris, that I think I can do better than others.

I have always been a mediocre student, and didn’t have some amazing career trajectory laid out for me from the start. But despite this, I am proud of my accomplishments, the fantastic businesses I have worked for and continue to work for, as well as starting Help Me Flourish.

These accomplishments, and the people I have met, have made me realise that having ASD isn’t something I want to hide anymore. In fact, it is my superpower. Being able to see the world in a different light to most atypical people allows me to come up with unique solutions. In a time when everyone is continually bombarded with messaging about what to think, I believe my difference of thought is truly valuable. 

This article is for anyone who is different and is questioning if they should be open about it. Do not be afraid of who you are, do not listen to those voices who would diminish your achievements. Those that would hold prejudice against you for being different are not people you’d like to have in your life anyway.

The next time you feel like you are sugarcoating who you really are for the sake of others, take a moment to stop and think about the damage you might be doing to yourself.

Embrace who you are knowing you are perfect just that way :)