I hate how I sound. So now I have a podcast. Makes sense, right?

If you told me a year ago that I'd have a podcast ever, I would have snort-laughed at you. So imagine how weird I feel saying that not only do I have a podcast I host, but I'm on camera in some way every week? And people seem to... like it? Yeah, super weird.

I've always hated how I sound. I know it's not an uncommon feeling, but I really hated it. See, I'm Polish and in my language, "r" is a hard r and there are lots of them everywhere, but I can't say them. I think my hard palate is shaped wrong or something. I don't actually remember the reason and it doesn't matter. Point is, I've hated how I sound ever since I had memories. In school, I was teased for it. At home, there was nothing malicious, but in the 80's a lot of "playful" comments were OK that aren't OK now.

As if that wasn't enough, when I moved to the US when I was twelve, I didn't speak the language, so that caused a whole lot of other problems and didn't help my already low perception of my voice. When I did learn English, I had an accent, which was pointed out to me more than I care to admit. It's 28 years later now, but my voice still doesn't fit in anywhere. When I lived in Australia, I had an accent. When I travel, I have an accent. When I speak Polish, I have an accent. And so on.

To top it all off, I didn't realize how my anxiety affected me until about two years ago. Those of you who knew me in past lives, know that I spoke super fast. In Polish, it was even worse because I would feel inadequate for having a lower vocabulary (than in English). Oftentimes when I would speak to my parents, I would get stuck. I literally couldn't find the words. My mind knew what I meant but my mouth wouldn't cooperate. I cannot tell you how many times my parents would ask me to repeat things and even if I took a deep breath and I tried to slowly pronounce the words, they wouldn't come out right. It was debilitating to my relationships and to my self-esteem.

Then almost two years ago now, I got really scared (story for another time) and I knew I needed to manage my emotions better. This led me to ask my doctor for anxiety meds. I mean, I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't focused at work and I binge-watched Netflix all day. I'm super stubborn and I like to do things myself, so it was a big deal for me to admit that something is wrong and I need help. I'm so glad I did because it changed everything.

Since starting my meds, I feel normal again. Well, as normal as I get - I'm still a crazy animal lady that's maybe a little too honest... I still have an accent in every language and I still can't roll my r's, but I can speak more clearly, I can slow down and I can articulate myself in both English and Polish.

Which brings us to the titular podcast: Wonder Women Wednesdays (ironically, the title may change because I've realized that once a week may not be enough).

A few months ago, before the virus took over all our lives, I decided that I'm tired of being told that my passion for women's issues and general defense of women is maybe not the most attractive quality. I meet so many amazing women through my work at Coacharya that I don't actually care if people think I'm biased. I want to showcase these women the best way that I can and I want to support them. Even if it means I sound funny (well, to me, at least). The Wonder Women interview series on YouTube (which is now also a podcast) is my way of doing that. I hope that I will come up with other - better - ideas to do my part for uplifting women, but for now, I'm super proud of the work that I'm doing. I'm even kinda got over my hatred of hearing myself out of sheer necessity, so that's something, right? Kinda.

What's the point of this article? To show that we all have stuff we're self-conscious of and it's not easy to get over it. In my case, it's literally taken a lifetime. But when the motivation - and the time - is right, good things can happen. You just have to take a risk and take what you think is the right move, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Good luck with whatever endeavors you've been scared to embark upon. It's all worth it in the end! And thank you for your support of me, of Coacharya and of the Wonder Women series. Onwards and upwards!

Before anyone gets technical on me and tells me that my podcast is small potatoes and not polished, blah, blah, blah, let me acknowledge that it's early days, I know, I'm still learning, I'm getting over my own stuff, and the podcast is recorded on computer microphones so yeah, I know it's not perfect. But you know what? My guests are wicked accomplished and interesting and DESERVE whatever spotlight we can shine on them so to the haters ---> SUCK IT! (Long side note, I know, but it's in response to some snide remarks I've already received. Sigh. Haters gonna hate.)