I had a plan ... this wasn't it

Where do I start. Last week's newsletter was going to be all about the joys of living in an analogue world. I was all fired up, material at the ready and then the world turned, as it's wont to do.

Our plan had been to set off for the Alps on Saturday, where we would spend a week or so combining work with skiing and walking. Living the life we had always promised ourselves when the kids had flown the nest. What I hadn't taken into account was that children can be demanding of your time even when they're not directly under your wings.

Suffice to say, a call on Friday upended all our plans and my straightforward journey to the alps ended up taking six days, covering 2,400 miles, using a combination of planes, trains and automobiles and taking in the delights of Benidorm hospital: which was very impressive, to be fair.

So where do we begin? Let's start with the original plan.

Pity the Analogue Community

I'm losing track of time but one day, in the week before the catastrophe, I took the train up to Manchester to watch my daughter play hockey. I completely forgot to take the charger for my phone. Which is a problem because, as we know, installing a high speed line from London to Manchester has proven impossible (a fact which puzzles and infuriates me every time I use the Elizabeth line). Running out of battery was a very real possibility.

Given my rail ticket was on my phone and the wifi connection was too poor to enable me to work on my computer I had to find a new way to keep myself amused during the 7 hour round trip (I may be exaggerating a little, but not a lot).

Cue an old fashioned remedy. I read a book. I turned the pages and read the words. And I can't tell you how satisfying it was. The idea of a story about two people who create computer games doesn't sound particularly appealing (well, not to me anyway) but it's not about two people, it's about three and it's about a lot more than games. I hoovered it up and I recommend that you do too.

But that whole experience of not turning my phone on, of being disconnected from the internet, really got me thinking how much we sometimes miss out on when we spend too much of our time online.

I Write Poems with a Quill by Candlelight

John Cooper Clarke has written a new book of poems, entitled "What" and is embarking on a UK tour, with the irresistible title "Get Him While He's Alive". He's been doing the rounds promoting the two and I caught him on the Today programme, but he also gave the same spiel to The Guardian in this interview.

Utterly inspiring. He talks about having no technology - "I don't even own a blue tooth" and firmly believes that there is something distracting about being constantly plugged in and disconnected from real life, saying

I can’t have a computer. I would get distracted. You’d find me dead?weeks later, buried under a pile of pizza boxes

So what with the real life book reading and John Cooper Clarke for inspiration, I was all set to do a post extolling the virtues of an analogue life.

Until disaster struck.

Short Story

Boy, bike, crash, jaw, hospital, fix. London, Beaune, Geneva, Alicante, Benidorm, Valencia, Girona, Valence, Montmelian, Val d'Isere. You can fill in the gaps. Here's a postcard.

You may be wondering why there is a scrabble game stuffed between the mints and chocolates that one can eat without needing to chew. Two reasons: one, to pass the analogue minutes that would be spent in hospital rooms and on trains; secondly to explore an alternative career path as a professional Scrabble player.

Anyway, the long and short of it was I had to resort to the good old internet to navigate a very complicated journey and I was jolly grateful to be able to do so.

No Platform

Listen, I can completely understand why you might now be wondering why I am using the guise of a "newsletter" to discharge myself of this week's angst - and it would be a reasonable challenge. Although, to be fair, I did warn you that I want nothing to do with the awful political shenanigans that will inevitable fill the pages of more regular news sheets between now and the election.

BUT at least I didn't grab myself a podium and summons the news crews to report it. I don't disagree with any of the sentiments Rishi Sunak expressed the other day but I can't for the life of me fathom out why he needed a Downing Street press conference. What is different now from the situation before he took to the podium?

Worst of all, we thought he was going to put us all out of our misery and call the bloomin' election.

May

You heard it here first. It's May.

Apart from anything else they need to get rid of George Galloway.

Culture

I'm listening to: Texas Hold 'Em. On repeat. Nothing has made me smile, feel uplifted and positive as this song. Addicted.

I'm reading: Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. I told you this already. Pay attention

I'm listening to : John Cooper Clarke on Desert Island Discs. Genius.

I'm sorry: There is no news in this newsletter. It was either a newsletter without news or no newsletter. Not sure which is worse. Feel free to defect. I'll miss you though.