If I had more time, I would have written a kinder letter

We all know that feeling…

You’ve just received a frustrating, unprofessional, or downright hurtful email. It makes your blood boil.

If you’re like me, you immediately start drafting a reply, even if you don’t intend to hit send. But this reply is heated and equally unprofessional.

As I was reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People over the weekend, it dawned on me…a prominent issue in today’s world is the instantaneous nature of communications.

In 1937 when Mr. Carnegie was writing this book, the internet did not exist, and email was far (40 years!) from existence. It wasn’t until the early 90’s when SMS messaging came to be, and the late 90’s when we saw online instant messaging emerge.

In 2021, we use email, Slack and text to communicate. No one writes letters. Almost all forms of written communication are instant and constant. We all reply quickly and expect the same from those to whom we write.

Carnegie writes that President Taft, “learned from experience the enormous chemical value of sympathy in neutralizing the acid of hard feelings.” Taft received a thorny letter from an unhappy constituent, and reflecting on the moment, said:

“…you may compose an answer. Then if you are wise, you will put the letter in a drawer and lock the drawer. Take it out in the course of two days—such communications will always bear two days’ delay in answering—and when you take it out after that interval, you will not send it.”

He did just that, and replied with a polite, kind and sympathetic note that completely disarmed the individual who wrote it.

Some of you may be thinking that it was a different time; these leaders and individuals had ample time to think, write and reply via snail mail. We can’t lock an email in a drawer, especially when the sender expects a quick reply.

So, what can we learn from President Taft’s story?

Take your time, think it through, and keep in mind the desired outcome.

Step 1: Take your time

Step away, breathe, cool off. If it makes you feel better to write your initial thoughts, write it. It can be cathartic. Just one tip: take the recipient(s) out of the “TO:” line, so that you cannot inadvertently send it!

Step 2: Think through the impact of your reply

How will the recipient feel? Will it impact your relationship(s)? In most cases, you are not looking for a fight, you are looking for a solution.

 Step 3: Keep in mind the desired outcome

What are you looking to accomplish here? Will your response help or hurt your chances of achieving the desired outcome? Keep the end in mind.

With a little effort, we can all take the impulsive nature out of our communications. 

Hold your thumbs, take a breath, and think before you reply. Your career and relationships will benefit from the discipline.