"I Grieve Different"

Kendrick Lamar's provocative powerful track "United in Grief" takes us on a journey--from discovery to processing the layers of grief he experiences as he navigates family, hip-hop culture and the society he creates within. He repeats the phrase, "I grieve different" throughout the song, describing the many ways he tried to avoid dealing with the pain of change and personal growth.

It got me wondering why we--as change facilitators, coaches and culture transformers--are so often surprised when we get pushback from those we serve, coach and lead. The Kübler-Ross Grief Model, also known as the five stages of grief, was initially developed to understand the process of dealing with terminal illness and death. However, the model's principles have since been recognized as a universal response to all types of loss and significant life changes, including the transformative journey of personal growth - something I call GrowthWork.

The stages of the Kübler-Ross Model - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance - can appear during GrowthWork as individuals and groups confront old patterns and behaviors while adopting new ones. Let's explore how these stages manifest in GrowthWork.

• Denial: When initially faced with the need for personal change, it's common to experience denial--Head-in-sand syndrome. Individuals may resist acknowledging their unhelpful patterns or the need to grow beyond them. They may dismiss the idea that change is necessary, attempting to maintain the status quo.?Denial may present as doubling down on current paradigms and ennobling the status quo despite evidence of the model no longer working for them.
• Anger: As the reality of change becomes undeniable, anger often emerges. This might be directed inward as self-blame or outward as resentment and even self-harm or violence. Individuals may feel frustrated with their patterns, their inability to change quickly, or seek out an “other” to project anger upon.
• Bargaining: This stage involves attempting to negotiate or seek compromise to avoid the discomfort of change. Individuals may try to find shortcuts to growth through performative action (like giving gifts, self-assuaging generosity, or perhaps creating national holidays no one asked for), hoping to gain social proof and benefits without truly breaking their old patterns or fully embracing new behaviors.?
• Depression: As the reality of the necessary changes sets in, individuals might feel overwhelmed, leading to a period of sadness or low energy. They may grieve their old selves, mourn the loss of comfort in their old patterns, iconography and language–and feel daunted by the task of personal transformation.
• Acceptance: The final stage is acceptance. In the context of GrowthWork, this means accepting the necessity for change and the work it involves. Individuals embrace the growth process, becoming open to new behaviors and ready to let go of old patterns. Actions are aligned with a new status quo, and the old status quo is converted from dogma to a stepping stone.

It's important to note that, similar to grief, these stages are not linear or uniform. Individuals may flip through them multiple times, experience them in different orders, or even skip some stages entirely. Perhaps even more importantly, the appearance of these stages in your growth process signifies progress, not regression.

We all "grieve different."

This is a normal experience. If you see memes that suggest anyone can bypass this process, shunnnnnnnn them.

We are a community of individuals. The nation--the entire globe-- is a macrocosm of these complex processes. Whenever we set out to shift the status quo of an individual, a group, a business culture, a society–we are inviting this cycle as well. Just to twist your noodle, consider that we as practitioners are also experiencing the cycle as we usher our clients through theirs.

By acknowledging these stages, we may be less surprised by pushback and gain a more nuanced understanding of our own transformative journey and ultimately facilitate a more successful and sustained transformation experience for our clients.