“… And I got a robe”: Invisible Holiday Labor

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Thanksgiving has come and gone, meaning that we are officially knee deep in holiday season. If you celebrate any of the winter holidays, you know that there is much work to do in between the parties and the cozy evenings with family and friends. And, as it is with most domestic labor, women - especially women in heterosexual relationships - are usually the ones making the magic happen.?

I remember watching this SNL skit several years ago. It’s a song, featuring a family singing about all the gifts they got for Christmas. Dad and the kids list off a slew of extravagant gifts, and Mom…. Well, she got a robe. Kristen Wiig is hilarious as the frazzled mother with an empty stocking, and If you haven’t seen it, it’s worth a watch. Just like most great comedy, it’s rooted in truth. All over TikTok, women in relationships are sharing videos of empty Christmas stockings and late-night decorating. While they take it in stride and with good humor (as women are taught to do), there’s a real sadness behind this all-too-common imbalance.?

If this sounds familiar, you aren’t alone.?

Gendered expectations?

So how did the holidays become “women’s work”? To find the answer, we have to go back to the nineteenth century, when how we celebrate holidays began to shift. In the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, holidays were often a time to connect with neighbors, rather than family occasions. Because business required interpersonal connections, men typically organized these social events. In the nineteenth century, social ties began to become separate from business or political ties. Men became “breadwinners,” and women took over interpersonal connectivity, what sociologists call “kin-keeping,” a form of emotional labor done both out of a sense of obligation and because of emotional attachment.?

Kin-keeping, combined with the unpaid domestic labor that women have always been expected to do, can make the holidays special, memorable, and extremely stressful. While most of the media coverage of this issue could make you see this as a mothers-only problem, research has shown that women without children and single women are also feeling the squeeze. When it comes to planning parties, buying gifts, and decorating the home, single women still invest more time than single men. The same goes for housework. It makes sense; women have been socialized to prioritize domestic tasks from birth. Even now, research has shown that girls are given more chores around the house and paid a lower allowance than boys are. Of course we feel responsible.?

Unpaid labor isn’t free

You may be justifying this kind of work to yourself. Yes, it’s exhausting, but the holidays are temporary. How bad could it be? Stop right there. An overabundance of invisible physical and emotional labor can come at the price of women’s health.?

Studies have found that an imbalance in household labor - especially for women who also work outside the home -? is associated with poor health. Domestic work is linked to everything from pain in the neck, back, and shoulders to cardiovascular disease. But the mental health dangers are even more prevalent. The cognitive and emotional involvement required for unpaid labor can lead to psychological and emotional distress, including anxiety and depression, burnout, isolation, loneliness, and resentment, and increased levels of objective and perceived stress.?

And these studies don’t take into account the increased responsibilities and expectations that come from the festive season. The often-unnoticed labor that goes into keeping everyone around you fed, comfortable, and happy is taken up a notch. In our Instagram-ready world, the pressure to create the “perfect” holiday experience is hard to ignore.?

It won’t be perfect, and that’s okay

While I can’t promise you an entirely stress-free holiday (your family still exists, after all), there are ways to make the hard work that comes with the season more joyful and less exhausting.

Unsurprisingly, if you are partnered, the best way to cope is to share the burden. Even without the pressure of the holidays, an unequal domestic workload can have extremely negative effects on your relationship.? Disparate workloads exist in all kinds of relationships, but are much more prevalent in heterosexual relationships. If that’s you, there is even more of a reason to examine the division of labor within your household. I love Eve Rodsky’s book, Fair Play, about this very topic (there’s also a documentary, if that’s more your speed). Both offer lots of solutions for divvying up the household work. She even created a Fair Play card game that divides household tasks. All you do is shuffle the cards and play the hand you’re dealt.?

Even the most low-key celebrations can come with emotional baggage, so now is the time to give yourself grace. Common advice will tell you to make time for self-care, and if given the opportunity, you should! However, in my experience, years of holiday expectations can make that advice unrealistic. So instead, I challenge you to set up a “do, delegate or drop” list for the holidays, inspired by Tiffany Dufu ’s brilliant book, Drop the Ball. Ask yourself: Does every cookie or dish have to be made from scratch? Really? Is this the year to skip holiday cards? Can dinner be a potluck? What if, instead of making more work, you made space for more time with those you care about most??

This holiday season, give yourself the gift of balance. A less-than-perfectly decorated house, a sloppily-wrapped gift, or a batch of burnt cookies won’t ruin the holiday, but overburdening yourself could. Whatever you’re celebrating, may this time of year be filled with light and love.?

Have you read The Mirrored Door yet? If so, I’d like to ask a favor. Reviews are one of the best ways to increase a book’s visibility, and I want to make sure The Mirrored Door’s message reaches as many people as possible. Would you leave a review? The book is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop.org and Target, among others. Thank you for your help.?

The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place is now available! Winner of the 2023 NYC Big Book award, it's the perfect gift for the professional woman in your life. Click here to get your copy!?

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