I Give Up.

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Thank you, Dustin Dale

If I were to categorize the questions, I've been asked over the last twelve years about leading, dealing with leaders, and overall organizational situations, I'd be lying if this question was not in the top three, and I'd be a bigger liar if I told you, it was not in the top two.

The second most common question I received in messages, conversations, or Q&As, both private and public, is this...

"What do I do when my boss doesn't listen?"

This week, I want to tackle this tough question and hopefully provide some valuable context that might help you if you find yourself in this exact situation.

When I approach this question, depending on the context, I follow up with a few questions to ensure clarification.

I will begin from the employee side and how someone can approach this situation.

Question One: How long has your boss been there? What was their career path to becoming your boss?

I start with questions because often there is great data in studying a leader's past and how they became the leader they are today.

• Who did they work for?
• How long did it take for them to become a leader?
• What has their impact been on the company?
• What's been the latest focus/email or anything resource-wise from them?

What I have found is that often, the individual doesn't know a ton about the leader's history. I am not saying this is always the case, but in most cases, the individual can't really tell me about their leader's past or how they came to be a leader.

This is some of the best information an employee can learn because it will help them take the right approach when they want to talk directly about key issues.

Connectivity is crucial in conflict resolution, and sometimes, one party may need to make an extra effort to equip themselves with information that will help relate to or connect with the individual.

The more you know about someone, the quicker you can connect. People tend to connect better when there are mutual exchanges or when a conversation allows a bond to happen.

Question Two: What is the pattern?

Regardless of how bad a leader is at leading, it's rare that a leader is not listening 24/7. Humans act in waves of pattern, and we become inundated with routines regardless of whether they are good or bad. So, you can follow someone around and observe them over a specific period of time, and you'd be able to begin to see their patterns of choices/decisions.

However, following your boss 24/7 would be creepy and would make the situation worse.

So, the next best thing we can do is to pick out the patterns of when we think about a leader is not listening.

Some examples I've helped individuals map out provided clarity on when they felt their leader was not listening or failed to listen when requested. Those would include the individual approaching their leader about a specific issue from a complaint standpoint vs. approaching with an issue but offering ways of solving the solution.

Another example is that they approach their leader only when there is a problem; sometimes, the conversation is not focused on building a relationship.

Another example is individuals who have approached their leader with extremely little information or no information at all. This can be frustrating in general, but even more so when an employee doesn't come equipped with research or an understood idea of what they would like to address.

The main point is to take a step back and analyze those specific situations where and when you feel your leader is not listening. It might not just be them.

Question Three: Are you being clear enough?

Once you've studied and truly learned the scientific and psychological aspects of communication, you'll realize that most people struggle to present their ideas clearly and with solid context to support the conversation. I am not saying you need to be a "know-it-all," but when you are communicating, what are your words?

Filler words weaken communication. Period.

"Well, you know, sometimes I just like feel like you don't always want to listen, and this like frustrates me and makes me feel like, you know, I am not part of the team." - Actual sentence.

Instead, practice this.

"During specific situations such as this (insert example), I noticed that we were not connecting, and I wanted to seek clarification on the gap. I want to be part of the team, and I'd like to ensure I understand what's being asked of me." This is the correct way to share a thought.

The key point here is that our sentence fragmentations and filler words can take away from our point. We are using too many words, making it difficult to focus on the exact problem.

Before I get to a final couple of truths about this topic, I hope you can see that sometimes we might blame our bosses when, in fact, our shortcomings are adding to the problem instead of removing pieces.

Now, here are the final couple of truths about this tough question.

There are leaders who do not listen.

As someone who has been executive coaching, developing leaders, and creating full-scale leadership programs for major companies. I can share this with you all as a subject matter expert.

Some leaders' careers have points and periods when they become unapproachable, numb, or simply ego-driven. Those suggestions, feedback, or approaches are not warranted.

Simply put, they stopped learning. When someone stops learning, they tune out the world.

When you find yourself in a position where you have taken every step to connect, problem solve, and find connection points with a leader, but they still refuse to listen, then there are only two options left.

Acceptance.

It doesn't make it right or justified, but if someone chooses to stay in this situation, the environment is accepted. This means that a person will accept that this is the reality of their leader, and if choosing to stay, then those realities will be daily interactions.

This is very tough to share, as I have been told in conversations by individuals, "I can't afford to leave." Again, I don't condone it at all, but there is also reality to this. My hope and wish is that somehow, the leader will see their patterns and that will lead to change.

Leave.

I have given this advice, and I approach it with caution.

There are some situations where we must accept that a person might just be stuck in their ways, their probability of changing is extremely low.

We cannot control every aspect of someone, so we must learn to navigate the aspects we are given and experiencing. If someone has done everything they can to connect and build a better relationship, but the leader still refuses to listen, it might be time to find a new career.

*Again, that decision must be yours alone. This article is meant strictly for educational purposes.

I have heard stories that they chose to move on, and it was the best decision they made because what they were sacrificing for the now held them back for much later.

My final thought for you all is that the first part of the article is where success happens the most. When we can take a step back to analyze our approach and consider why we might not feel our leader is listening, we might discover a new path that could be the key.

If you are reading this and you serve in a leadership position, then I want to offer a word of reflection.

Are you listening to your employees? Or are you quick to dismiss them?

The best thing we can do as leaders is not to jump to dismissal as the first response but rather to help the individual clarify their question/situation and actively focus on their development and engagement.

Never stop serving.

Dustin Dale

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