I GET DEPRESSED TOO

I had a difficult time falling asleep last night. I felt very depressed but could not figure out why.

I researched my new medications, like Semaglutide, which my PCP replaced after prescribing Metformin for a decade. Yup, medicines can cause depression. I reflected on the past week about how stressed I am about increasing prices. Finances have always been a significant stress factor while raising three young sons alone with little help. I thought about friends I had long ago forgiven, that seemed to disappear when their needs were met. I encouraged the undergrad who felt a calling, bought expensive books for, and prayed for, who is now a politically powerful priest too busy to acknowledge her most incredible supporters. The friend was upset with me because I could not immediately pay the $500 I owed. After all, had she inquired, I was not working on recovering from a brutal criminal rape and sexual assault—assumptions and expectations will indeed cause you to be depressed.

I thought about husband #1, who started dating a white woman during our divorce even though his parents from the "countryside" did not accept my "mixed breed" despite my family lineage coming from aristocracy—that will surely disappoint. I reflected on Husband #2, who fathered three baby boys and determined sowing his wild oats was far more important than raising his sons and supporting the wife; he conscientiously made a covenant to God until death do us part. That is just plain sad in my book. I thought about the first baby, I lost a girl, and the numerous surgeries forcing a radical hysterectomy, which, while I was resilient, caused pain, significant physical discomfort, and depression. I thought about surviving the employer's marketing mission to "elevate professionals of color" who decide to downsize right when you are scheduled for a life-risking surgery. Hypocrisy will cause depression and sometimes despair.

I thought about all the many civil rights GIANTS I have personally met throughout my life who taught me about leadership, ethics, and genuine integrity—who would be incensed, if not disappointed, in today's leaders who seem to dominate our media airwaves with self-righteousness. Perhaps the most disappointing to me personally are the leaders of color I invested considerable time in who publically profess the best for tribal communities, urban communities, spanish-speaking neighborhoods, and diverse asian businesses who get caught with their hand in the cookie jar or up someone's skirt—what gives beloved? Perhaps I hold leaders of color unfairly much too high in regard as, after all, these leadership failures routinely exist in the white and mainstream communities privileged with opportunity and financial abundance. Still, when it is wrong, it is just plain wrong.

I cried last night when I recalled the five young women leaders I recently gifted expensive hand-made, unique beaded earrings that I prayed over and blessed, women I mentored and loved who cannot even take five minutes to drop a line or pick up the phone to see if I'm alive. Yeah, okay, I get it, folks; move on, but do not, and I repeat, do not tell me you love and care about me when you do not. It is better not to defile the preciousness of love. Now, that is hurtful; it's downright depressing. I am not wealthy; my skin is thinner than iron. I am a human being. Don't worry; I will not spill the tea or reveal identities, but how hard is it to be genuinely thankful or authentically loving? I could have been a very cruel, hard woman growing up in economic poverty and enduring constant pursuit by my high school English teacher when I was 14 -17 until I left for college, and then he followed me there; that is downright frightening. Fear will cause depression. I could have been an outright mental case after facing the many glass ceilings, significant hurdles, and unbearable pain generated by thoughtless, uncaring, racist, sexist, and predatory human beings, but I fought against what I suffered.

My gentle spirit continually tries to see the good, even in the very bad, no matter how outrageous. Yes--I know, I am much too forgiving, and my three now-grown sons say I am still a bit na?ve about the human condition.

When I am exhausted from wrestling with the spirit of darkness, I remember my three sons, my 97-year-old Okaasan, and two pups, and wipe away my tears. I cannot change the past; it's okay to be disappointed, sad, and depressed from time to time, but rather than tallying the harmful and hurtful things in the past, I redirect to what I am grateful for right now. The endorphins seem to ignite something in my brain. I hug the soft bunny my little sister gave me, wrap my prayer scarf around me, and fall asleep to awaken to yet another day, the rising sun that is my namesake, to overcome the depression that easily would have overwhelmed me and ended my life not that long ago.

You see, I am not invincible. Even strong, spiritually-centered, joy-filled women like me are vulnerable to depression. I could wear a mask, but that is not helpful to the many young people I mentor--why should they endure a useless stigma? Most times, depression is momentary or circumstantial. If it seems brief, consider what you are grateful for today, this week, and even this year. Think about ALL you have overcome. Write a journal and, yes, post a blog.

Sometimes, depression can be overwhelming, and if it is too challenging to resolve, please, by all means, ask for help. Life is hard, honey; it can be downright mean, but you shall overcome with some encouragement, so I am writing this openly to encourage you. Tis the season not to be jolly for the sake of jollyness but to love yourself, love your unique purpose, and practice genuine self-care.

Much love ? Auntie E

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