An Oddly Calming Root Canal Helped Me Find Clarity in the Chaos

I have been wanting to share reflections on my new journey for a couple months now but have struggled to find the words. As someone who loves to write this has been frustrating. I can usually focus with ease but it's been challenging lately. I would write bits and pieces here and there but struggled to clearly articulate the transformation I’ve experienced in such a short time, and how much I’m learning about myself, about life, and the often unseen internal weights each and every one of us carries around every single day.

While having a root canal done a little over a week ago, I put on Spotify and shuffled it up, and it was like the universe knew what jams I needed to hear right then and I started to find myself zoned out in deep reflection. Laying there with my mouth wide open and lots of annoying things taking place in and around me, I opened my eyes to look out the window and I oddly found myself feeling very calm and peaceful staring at a beautiful blue sky and mountains in the distance. It was then, yes during a root canal (which by the way I was dreading so much I couldn’t sleep the night before and debated canceling), that the words started to form and I had a stark realization why I haven’t been able to articulate them. It was because this change happened so damn hard and so damn fast that *I* didn’t even know what was going on inside this soul and brain of mine.

 "Real transformation requires real honesty. If you want to move forward get real with yourself."

I’m not always the best at practicing what I preach even though I really do try but these past few months especially have just been pure chaos. And on top of that I haven’t been making the time I need to get on my own mat. It’s been a hustle trying to figure out this new world and it’s forced me to get really real with myself. I've learned how lonely life as an entrepreneur can be at times, but I'm also building a whole new amazing network and doing work every single day that I am so unbelievably passionate about it actually makes my heart sing. And, I'm learning hard, failing fast, and figuring out the best path forward.

I’ve gained a new sense of confidence, contentment and freedom in finding strengths I didn’t realize I have. But I’ve also realized there’s been a hidden weight I’ve been carrying around that contributes to this feeling of chaos and anxiety. I’ve started to see how I can be my own worst enemy sometimes and I’m starting to understand how past experiences - words that cut too deep and expectations from others - have subconsciously impacted my own sense of who I am, my actions, and the words I choose.

“Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling there is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on that behavior, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom.”

The chaos is not the cause it’s the symptom. I’ve lived so much of my life staying busy because I believed that busyness signified success. But also because in the midst of chaos it's easy to avoid and suppress. I would conform how I show up at times based on what I thought others would expect. I grew up with an expectation about how life should be and by that standard, from the outside world, it looked like I had it all - perfect family, nice house, good corporate job. But I realize now how much I lost myself by always trying to meet the expectations of others. Expectations, by the way, that may or may not have been there.

While I very much put that on myself, there is also a very real expectation that society puts on us about how life SHOULD be. You know, the perfect "Pinterest mom" who seems to have it all and actually loves it. And in the corporate environment especially there is often an unspoken (or bluntly in some cases) expectation that bringing your whole self to work really means only bring your whole self to work IF it aligns with the company line.

"The only expectations you should live up to are the ones you expect of yourself."

It’s been a very humbling journey as I figure out this new normal and have started to realize how much I’ve always put the needs of others before myself and how much I’ve let the expectations of others impact me. And how, in turn, that has resulted in me forgetting who I really am deep down inside. I lost myself for a while, and it's been hard to come to terms with that but I am finding myself again and nothing can be more beautiful.

This reminds me of something a friend shared recently about a big career and life change she once made. She said that she struggled with anxiety for a while because even though she knew deep down it was the right decision, the expectation of the change was different than the reality, and on top of that she felt very real and harsh judgement from others because this life she wanted that aligned to her true self to the depth of her core, didn’t align with the expectations of others.

Expectations. They kill you every time. But seriously this has been a big lesson for me and I’m learning that in the end nothing is more important that prioritizing my own happiness and well-being. And when I do that I am a better version of me because true happiness and contentment starts in the inside. Nobody and nothing can make you happy if you aren't first happy with yourself and living your truest and best life. And sometimes the expectation of what that looks like is different from the reality. But that is okay.

 "What screws us up most in life is this picture in our head of how it's supposed to be."

Don't get me wrong, every day is not all sunshine and rainbows. This new gig of mine is a huge hustle and I'm learning how to adjust while also getting reacquainted with myself. So no, I may not always be the best at practicing what I preach. But, I do try and I genuinely believe that nobody can be perfect all the time. Control is actually a funny thing if you really think about it. For so long I tried to control my life and my story based on what I felt would impress others, based on what I believed society expected. I realize now how damaging that has actually been and as a recovering control freak I’m learning how much weight can be lifted when you rid yourself of that feeling that you need to control everything and that life is supposed to be a certain way. I am learning to accept help when offered and learning that everything doesn’t always have to be my way. Just because someone may not do something exactly as I would doesn’t mean I shouldn’t accept their kind offer and just be happy it’s done and one less thing I have to worry about.

But more than anything, the biggest lesson I've learned through the past 3.5 months since I have embarked on this whole new career and journey is to just be. To prioritize what makes me happy, to try to live in the moment the best that I can, and to just let go of expectations - expectations that I feel others have put on me or that I have put on myself. I can promise you, when you get real with yourself, when you lose your power, the truths that come to the surface can only make you a better and happier person in the long run.

"Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it." ~Maya Angelou

Oh, and in case you were wondering, that root canal was the most calming and peaceful moment I've had over the past month. I had some complications following it that resulted in me being a bit out of commission for several days which is why I hadn't posted this sooner. But that alone time yet again resulted in much reflection and I realized just how much I had lost myself and was prioritizing everything and everyone but myself. A big eye-opening revelation that has resulted in changes in how I prioritize my time, thoughts, company, etc every single day.