I fear rejection, but I fear not being the 'real me’ more.

How my desire for connection set me free from my fear of judgement.

I care about people.

I care about connecting to people.

I care so much about humans that sometimes if I think about the idea that I would have to give up coaching for a particular reason, I feel sick in my stomach.

Part of my identity, Mehibe-the-present-version-on-this-day, is defined by an instinctive desire to empower. If you took away my dream… a part of me would die, and parts of me would never fulfil their potential. I would lose me.

That thought of losing myself by giving up a part of my identity is chilling.

I don’t want to feel lost.

I don’t want to BE lost.

Sometimes, I look back to who I was four, five years ago and that Mehibe would never have talked about having a secret desire to empower others. I most certainly could never have shared that out loud! I remember my Coach at that time saying to me that I could be a coach to support others.

“Me?! No way!!! I can’t support other people like that!” (In my mind thinking I’m so screwed up how could I possibly help another person!)

I’ll never forget the day I sent out my final email on the day I was officially leaving my old job – the one that had me on the great career path to senior leadership, the one I chose to give up and start a new life in Barcelona on my own.

After I had hit the send button, something extraordinary started happening…

People, tonnes of people, were actually taking time to email me back! There were words like, “inspiring”, “role-model”, “determined”, “pleasure” in there describing me…

I couldn’t believe it. And I remember being annoyed with myself as well that some of these people who had taken time to respond – were colleagues I didn’t really know that well. If only I had tried to connect with more people in the time I had. Why was I so worried about what people think of me??

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Connection is the soul of people. It’s the soul of the feeling we all want - I belong.

I recently read that Maslow’s Hierarchy is not ‘true’. It shows us what Maslow perceived as the building blocks to being a functioning, healthy human; but it places love and belonging in the third tier. It’s too high… or not in the right place.? Studies now show that the primary need of all humans is connection. A baby’s primary need is connection with its mother to feel love, to be cared for and feel nurtured. Studies have boldy claimed that a baby without love cannot survive. Heart wrenching… this need to be loved, to be accepted and to connect to others never leaves us.

And so, in my journey since leaving my pervious permanent role, I’ve started to notice something. My need for human connection has surpassed my perceived needs for other things. No longer do I prioritise a big stable salary, a swanky apartment, holidays 3-4 times a year, a … AND I no longer prioritise perfectionism.

Oooof. As a recovering perfectionist, it’s tiring. It’s absolutely exhausting trying to be perfect for others as well as to myself. So dropping the mask of perfectionism brought a ray of light – I don’t need to worry so much what other people think about me, or might say about me, or could be thinking about me… Because if I know I’m not perfect, then whatever someone says can’t break me.

I no longer prioritise judgement.

Bold statement!?

What has changed?

I still care about other people’s opinions and viewpoints. That’s real and I am not completely devoid of it being an important factor in people understanding and connecting to who I am – my identity, Mehibe. Connection. Acceptance and belonging.

But, I don’t worry enough to let it stop me from being courageous to show my vulnerabilities.

That is the difference between the pre-Barcelona-pre-Coach Mehibe and the person I am today. My fear of judgement put a wall up between me and the rest of the world masked by perfectionism. Now my fear of judgement doesn’t hold me back; I see it as an even bigger driver to share who I really am – so then people can make their own decisions about whether that’s working for them.

I can’t control how I connect to other people’s hearts and minds, but I can control how I show up in the world.

I can choose the ‘what’ I share: the stuff that is personal, meaningful and is ‘real’ to me – all the good qualities and behaviours I’m proud of. Otherwise known as my ‘strengths’… and then I can choose to share all the uglies; the behaviour or the weaknesses that show I’m not at my ‘peak’ self, or in my most positive mind frame whilst also showing the world that hey, I’m just as imperfect as you!

I really don’t know all the answers. And I can’t be seen to know all the answers. I can’t always be my best version, and I too have my ugliness inside.

And I’m very happy to keep it that way!

I’m not the expert. I can’t fix everything.

I know I can’t do life alone. I am a curious and compassionate human who is happy to take the journey of learning more.

That’s the reality of being human – we are all in this together because we are all equally imperfect. I do wonder what would happen if we took the word ‘perfect’ out of our everyday language and replaced it with something else… I am moving more toward excellence. I’m a good person with a lot of flaws. And now I’m OK with sharing my flaws… and in my courageous act of vulnerability, I’m seeking excellence. Not perfection.

And so in my mission of excellence and being a good person with flaws, I courageously go out there in the world and take a risk of judgement – caring and wanting to be received in a way that means I’m seen, but I also know that not everyone is open enough to accept my vulnerabilities…

I care. I care a lot. I care a lot about people and what they might say about me because I want to be seen for who I am.

But I won’t worry about it to the point of it stopping me from being genuine and the real me.

Suffering is temporary. My identity is more important than my temporary suffering of judgement. I’d rather go out in this world knowing I am sharing ‘my everything’ with people I desire to connect with. That’s the key to building self-worth where our confidence lies as well as building trusted relationships with others. That’s a double whammy of connection – to self and other humans.

Who could you be if you freed yourself from worrying what other people think about you? …

Maybe they are hoping you might be the first to be courageous with an act of vulnerability. We all have the opportunity to inspire others in our mission for connection. Courage is contagious. Courage builds meaningful connections.

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Reframe your fears into drivers to connect to the world around you.

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With heart and integrity,

Mehibe

[email protected]

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