I was failing as a leader.

For years my goal in football was to play at the highest level. I liked the idea of pushing as hard as possible to get the best out of myself. I still do like this idea. But at the end of the 2018 season I was at a crossroads. I had just endured my worst ever season. 4 total starts, 2 red cards and a torn meniscus. A few bad decisions chasing ‘the highest level’ had left me feeling unfulfilled and incomplete. Something was missing. I decided that my number one priority in choosing my next club was going to be finding the enjoyment again. It seems crazy to me but I hadn’t prioritised enjoyment for years, probably since I was a junior.

In November 2018 I caught up with Brunswick coach Riccardo Marchioli. Here was a young coach with similar ideas about football, who cared about culture and was interested in me as a leader. I signed a week later, finding the synergies too hard to ignore. In my senior career up until that point I had played for 6 clubs in 6 years, picking up some pretty poor cultural habits along the way. I needed change.

When I walked into the changing room for the first time, it felt different. There was a friendliness I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I felt respected really quickly. It’s strange the difference these factors make. I went on to play 29/30 full games, finish second in the best and fairest and be inducted into the four player leadership group in my first season at the club. This was by far my best season in senior football, but my proudest achievement did not centre around these personal achievements.

For the past few years I had mostly been on the fringe of the first 11 of whichever club I was playing for, desperately pushing to convince the coach I should be starting. I experienced so many emotions: I felt hard done by, I felt shame when my parents would ask each week if I am going to play and I felt really frustrated. These were not the feelings that made me fall in love with the sport. At one point last season I had an argument with the coach in front of the whole group and injured one of my teammates all in one training session. I remember thinking this is not me.

Ironically alongside this I was building my expertise as a facilitator focusing on team culture and leadership. During the day I would explore the ways in which behaviours impact the performance of a team; at night I would go to training and contribute negatively to the culture of my own team. This mismatch didn’t sit well with me. At many levels of sport you are taught to compete with your teammates for a position. The belief is that to be a strong team you must have competition for places. I don’t reject this as an idea but the way this ‘competition’ is carried out in my experience is counterproductive at best and toxic at worst. And shamefully I was part of the problem.

So 6 months later when I was signed to partner one of the best centre backs in the league, with a talented player sitting behind me in the pecking order, I was acutely aware of the role reversal. Instantaneously I felt myself sliding into the behaviours I had observed and experienced over a number of years from my older teammates. I would keep my teammate at an arm’s length and I would neglect to develop a relationship with him out of fear of him taking my spot. I felt insecure and threatened by him. And to be really honest, I was failing as a leader.

Fast forward to round 10 and my behaviour was put under the microscope. My centre back partner broke his wrist and into the team came my talented teammate, the very same individual I had neglected to build a relationship with. I had to make amends fast.

The weeks went on and we began to feel more comfortable together, but lurking at the back of my mind was another insidious thought. What happens when the other centre back comes back? One of us will have to drop out of the team. I hated that this thought crossed my mind and I remember the moment I realised that I was not meeting the standards I held of myself and other leaders. I recognised that I had become quite good at talking like a leader but that my actions were falling short. I resolved to let my actions do the talking and to start acting for the betterment of the team.

When describing my centre back partner I would say he is an extremely talented ball player, strong in the tackle and very composed but that his communication and directing of his teammates required some significant improvement. He personally was a very high performer on the pitch but his silence meant that he wasn’t helping his teammates play better and our team perform at the highest level possible. So I resolved to push him and challenge him to communicate more, to step up and lead. Week on week, he was growing and by the end of the season he was vocal and extremely confident. This not only elevated his game but it built a strong bond between us. Interestingly my original partner didn’t end up returning, so the growth in our relationship was incredibly important.

On the last day of the season, we needed a win or draw to make the top 6 and make the revamped NPL2. Our final hurdle was an away game against 7th placed Geelong, a notoriously difficult place to play. At half time, we found ourselves 1-0 down and in a bit of trouble. If the score line remained the same 45 minutes later, we would have been relegated. The second half began and we managed to score an equaliser in the 60th minute. That goal was then followed by an absolute rocket and our goal of the season. The scorer? None other than my centre back partner. I can still remember the ball leaving his foot from the corner of the box and flying into the top corner. It perfectly emphasised the strides he had made as a player and a leader, and his importance to our team. He ended up finishing 6th in the best and fairest (in half a season) and winning our club’s most improved player award. To add the cherry on top, his dad is one of those incredible clubmen who never misses a training, cooks the Thursday night BBQ and lives and breathes everything Brunswick City. It’s fair to say he was the proudest man in Geelong that day. I was the second proudest.

This season taught me so much. I saw how important feeling valued and respected can be for your performance. I learned that it is much easier to perpetuate bad habits that you have observed than to be a true team player. I felt how much pride I can experience in the success of others. But most importantly I realised that whilst I am a good leader, I still have so much to learn.