Will I ever get through this?

The coach as a source of unconditional hope with creative attention 

Authors: Klaartje van Gasteren, Marnix Reijmerink, Jakob van Wielink and Leo Wilhelm

‘Will I ever get through this?’ With this cry for help, more than just a coaching question, she came to me. There she sat, in my coaching space, crumpled in a chair much too large for her small stature. She looked around nervously, couldn’t meet my gaze and spoke in hushed tones. She had recently ended her relationship, she was already at odds with colleagues at her new workplace. These formed something of an opening statement. The cry for help followed, her voice hoarser than before: ‘Will I ever get through this?’ As little as I knew about her at that moment, from the bottom of my heart I answered: ‘I am certain that you will get through this. Welcome with everything that’s troubling you.’ 

Beginning and end 

She doesn’t know what to do anymore. One thing is for sure: life as she has been leading it up until now no longer exists. She feels the need for change. She needs and wants to uncover who she is and who she wants to be. In her life, this crisis presents itself as the end of a period within which she has been able to balance everything in spite of circumstance. In doing so, blocking her vision of a new beginning. 

This duality between finalisation and a new beginning is also permanently and consistently present in our own lives. The duality presents itself in small, daily moments. During large, more life-changing experiences, the inevitable end to every beginning becomes visible. Our methods for handling this duality is, in part, determined by how we learned to connect to other people, places and objectives in our (early) lives. Throughout our lives, we learn how to trust life in a certain manner. In this, we develop our own method of handling success, failure, trust, mistrust, vulnerability and invulnerability. 

When life hands us challenging experiences, we all have the natural inclination to avoid the pain experienced during loss or change. We each find our own way of devising these avoidance methods. While this avoidance may provide temporary relief; sooner or later though, the pain and grief will inevitably present themselves. It is in such a moment that this particular client has gone in search of help, longing for a new beginning, for true change. 

Transition

When a client reaches out with a question, an (unexpected) change has often presented itself in his personal or professional world which touches on feelings of loss and separation. The client acknowledges that his normal method of handling such situations is no longer effective, brings no relief. That is the moment in which we, as coaches, can ask about recent developments and which emotions these developments bring rise to, but also which (past) experiences, which (past) pain is touched upon in the present. Invite the client to look at previous life experiences, experiences which required the client to make decisions, whether intentional or unintentional, which helped the client move on at the time. As a result of these decisions, it is possible that the actual pain wasn’t faced or felt, and the client was unable to sufficiently integrate these experiences into his life. We don’t always feel as is if there is space to pause and process things after experiences of loss and separation. Life sometimes asks us to ‘just’ move on. In this case, however, we are surviving rather than living. 

Simone Weil illustrates a compelling image of how we can connect with our clients in her book Waiting for God. She describes how we, as individuals, are invited to show profound interest in others, beyond our various roles and positions held, and identify with their situation and the accompanying thoughts and emotions. She portrays this profound interest as a flash of light between two beings. That one moment, this flash, is a form of attention with a creative force; it is creative attention. 

'The attention is creative. But at the moment when it is engaged it is a renunciation. This is true, at least, if it is pure. The man accepts to be diminished by concentrating on an expenditure of energy, which will not extend his own power but will only give existence to a being other than himself, who will exist independently of him. Still more, to desire the existence of the other is to transport himself into him by sympathy, and, as a result, to have a share in the state of inert matter which is his. In doing so, the man receives, subsequent and parallel to God, the ability to acknowledge the other in a creative manner.’ (quote from 'Waiting for God').

Interactions with clients invite us as coaches, perhaps beyond our professional obligations, to search for a closeness from which the creative power of attention can arise. A close attention which allows the client and his story to be fully present and wherein a creative force can be present to extend hope and enable the choice for a new beginning. 

She talks about how she recently ended her relationship. It wasn’t working, and she felt unsafe and alone. This saddened her deeply. Tears are now spilling over her cheeks. The loneliness made her feel as if she were back at square one. At some point in her life she had sworn never to be so lonely again. She tells about her youth as an only child. How her father was chronically ill, and she was never allowed to get close to him. Her mother was always at work in an attempt to make ends meet. The loneliness crept in slowly, as well as the belief that she would have to do everything on her own in life. Until she met her ex-husband at age nineteen. He provided the love and affection that she had so missed. She gave up everything for him. It wasn’t long before she left the family home and began her life with this man. She took care of him and he gave her the attention and love for which she so longed. After some time, however, this changed. He lost his job and his attention to her disappeared along with it. He changed from loving and considerate to someone who no longer had any regard for her and who was often angry. Initially, she did everything in her power to be there for him. Nothing seemed to work, and she too began to withdraw. Once again, she hoped to find a solution, but this never came. She ended the relationship. 

As an only child, she longed for a bond with her father and mother. With her father’s chronic illness and her mother’s frequent absence, she was never able to truly establish this. While leaving her home to live with her ex-husband initially felt freeing, she now realised that it was an escape. She discovers that her current sorrow is actually centred on missing her parents, her father in particular. In longing for a bond with him she unintentionally learned to tie her wellbeing and future with that of her father. She realises that the same situation occurred with her ex-husband. 

Now that she is also facing conflict at work, she notes how in her contact with her manager – and later also in her conflict with him – she had but one desire: to be seen. When we explore what ‘being seen’ means to her, we arrive at what appears to be an important theme in her life: together and alone. She realises that, here too, she has a choice to make. Even when life puts her in a situation where she feels alone, she has a choice. 

Choosing to believe that change is possible

Inspiration for utilising our freedom of choice can be drawn from the memoires of renowned therapist dr. Edith Eva Eger. In The Choice, she describes her life story; from her early youth to her experiences and survival in Auschwitz and Mauthausen and her post-war emigration to America where she re-established her existence. In writing her book, she draws inspiration from the work of Viktor Frankl, another Auschwitz survivor and founder of logotherapy, documenting his experiences in the concentration camp. After decades of suppressing her holocaust experiences, when reading Frankl’s work, Eger wonders what value can be gained from documenting her own story. 

‘What if telling my story could lighten its grip instead of tightening it? What if speaking about the past could heal it instead of calcify it? What if silence and denial aren’t the only choices to make in the wake of catastrophic loss?’ (quote from 'The Choice').

In our role as coach, we must discover how we can be a resource from which our clients can draw. We can function as a mirror for an individual searching for a way to integrate the various themes in his life. For the individual wanting to learn to integrate things thought to be lost into the change she is currently facing. By allowing our clients to tell their story and by listening with creative attention, we create a new perspective, a new beginning for, and with, the client. With unconditional attention based on the encounters from person to person. An encounter arising from a flash of light between two beings. 

I notice that my conviction that everything is going to work out, which I share with the woman opposite me, inevitably touches upon my own life. While I genuinely believe that it is possible for this woman to (re)discover her resilience and discover new paths, I also feel a certain degree of doubt. Can I make good on this promise? Where this woman is confronted with experiences of the loss of certainty in her life, I am also carried back to the moments in my life where I asked myself if I would ever recover. When I look back upon these experiences, I can also feel the pain which undermined me at the time. In that period, I was able to recover my strength and purpose. I feel– now that my client is sitting across from me – a deep conviction that everything is possible. 

Everything is possible. I have, just as she, a choice. While listening to her story, do I focus on what does remain or do I solely focus on what will never return? I share with my client one of Eva Eger’s profound remarks: ‘To forgive is to grieve – for what happened, what didn’t happen – and abandoning the hope for a different past.’ Silence, followed by a deep sigh. She meets my gaze and says that in blaming herself and others for her situation, she has deprived herself of any belief that things can be different. She is moved by her own realisation. The path to a new beginning lies open. 

In close

In genuine encounters with others, a new reality becomes visible, the belief that things can be different is borne and we gain insight into the various choices available to us. Time and again, dr. Edith Eva Eger reveals the possibility of choice, the importance of sharing and the uncertainty that sometimes accompanies this. 

‘There is something I need to ask Magda, something that has to do with the cavity in me, but if I ask her about the fear, the emptiness, then I must acknowledge it, and I am so used to pretending it isn’t there. ‘Are you happy?’ I finally work up the courage to ask her. I want her to say that she is,so that I can be too. I want her to say that she’s never be happy, not really, so that I’ll know the hole isn’t only in me. ’Dicuka, here’s some advice from your big sister. Either you’re sensitive, or you’re not. When you’re sensitive, you hurt more.’ ‘Are we going to be okay?’ I ask. ‘Someday?’ ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘No. I don’t know.’ (quote from: 'The Choice')

As coaches, we are able to offer our clients unconditional hope so that they can hear and follow their calling. In offering hope, our own themes inevitably become visible and tangible. These themes mustn’t stand in the way of the client’s ability to follow their calling. As coaches, we owe it to our clients to continue believing in a new future despite all of the self-doubt and pain which presents itself. 

To believe that we can choose our reaction demeanour and path at all times based on the desire to find and follow our calling. 

About the authors

Klaartje van Gasteren is an executive coach and trainer who guides executive boards, their teams and individuals in becoming a secure base for themselves and the people they work with. She is co-owner of De School voor Transitie. When working with people in the field of (personal) leadership and transition, she brings in her international experience in driving large scale transformations and HR management.

Marnix Reijmerink is a trainer and coach in (personal) leadership and co-founder and -owner of De School voor Transitie. He guides leaders and their teams in the profit and non-profit sectors. He creates an environment in which curiosity, growth, play andlearning are central. He believes in the resilience of the human spirit. From a place of security and trust, he challenges individuals to (re)discover this strength. 

Jakob van Wielink is an international educator, author and coach in the field of (personal) leadership, transition and grief. He is initiator and co-founder of De School voor Transitie. As an executive coach, he is affiliated with the (Advanced) High Performance Leadership Program and the Advanced High Performance Leadership Program by professor George Kohlrieser at IMD Business School in Switzerland. He is also a faculty member at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition in the United States, led by professor Robert A. Neimeyer.

Leo Wilhelm is an author, executive, and coach. Leo has worked in the corporate world and is currently working for the Dutch government. Leo is a certified grief counsellor, has many years of hospice experience, and provides both personal and group-based support for cases of loss and transition. He is advisor to De School voor Transitie.

This article was previously published in the Dutch Tijdschrift voor Coaching.