I will, eventually, persevere.

**stick with me... I promise it's not all bad news!

This has been a terrible mental health period for me. At the end of March I was laid off. I haven't really posted about it because I was embarassed and honestly, I didn't want to be one of the thousands of posts about layoffs that you're likely to read this week. I have no idea why me and I have no idea if there's anything I could have done to protect myself. In a time of mass layoffs, I know that it's likely nothing about me and more about a number or two tied to me. I would never judge a friend for being laid off. And yet... I feel like a failure.

The thing is, failure is a big part of my story. I was a two time college dropout that got knocked up and ended up stuck in the middle of nowhere Alberta with no job, no education, and no money. I knew that I'd thrown away golden opportunities (scholarships), and for what?! I felt like a total loser for the better part of 10 years. But miraculously, I found the right resources to pull me out right when I thought all hope was lost. I went back to school full time, with two little girls and a husband on the pipeline and man, did it suck! Seriously, go to school before kids. TRUST ME.

Slowly I climbed out of the mess of my failures and was able to overcome. I became a leader in my community ( Hello, "40 under 40"!) and I felt like I was a pretty solid rockstar at work. For the 5 years after I graduated (thanks NAIT (Northern Alberta Institute of Technology), I pushed myself hard. But nothing could have prepared me for 2020. In a matter of weeks I lost my husband to a catastrophic farming accident, then I suffered a seizure and subsequent brain injury which resulted in me losing my license for 3 months, and then... boom. The pandemic.

Even then, I felt strong and capable, despite the fact that no one should have to be that strong. It took my whole community to put me back on my feet (I ?? you all) but I survived and actually thrived!

As the sole breadwinner for my family, I hustled and took risks like I never had before. I managed to double my salary which in turn allowed me to do some pretty incredible things in my community (so proud to collaborate with Sarah Adomako-Ansah whenever I can) and for my family, while ensuring that my girls would be protected. I bought my dream home in a beach community and I resumed the community work that I'm so passionate about (shoutout to Canada Learning Code).

I thought I was back and maybe even ahead. I thought I'd survived. I thought that the bad times and the failures were well behind me. I developed an archetype for myself: I was a change leader. I was the person at the forefront. I was the expert and the confidante. I was the person that big organizations tapped when they couldn't solve problems.

And then... I wasn't. Suddenly I'm unemployed. I've got no information to go off of to understand why, so I feel like I can't learn from the experience. Once again, I'm a failure. It's hard not to feel like I've already dealt with enough: why do I need more challenges?!

Yet I'm being asked to speak as an expert on panels. I have requests to provide mentorship. My local tech community is lovely and full of praise for me. But none of it lands. I've tied so much of my worth to my work. You might be thinking, "Well there you go, Leah. You can't be your job." But I love working in tech. I love solving puzzles and helping people. That's who I am and work allows me to be my whole self. So without it, I feel untethered and useless.

It's not all doom and gloom. I've survived before, too many times to count, and I'll survive again. Each time I came out of a dark period I was able to build my life into a version of itself I couldn't even have imagined a few years ago. I mean, I'm typing this out from my dream house, after all. And while I'm very very sad and my mental health is in the gutter; while it's hard to have the motivation to do... anything...

I know that I will, eventually, persevere. You can knock me down, but I will never STAY down.