I don't want to save the world anymore

I wish I could save everyone, but the old me doesn't exist anymore. I used to spend so much time putting others first, neglecting myself in the process. This has been a part of my nature since childhood, but I decided it was time to grow out of it. I got into fistfights a lot as a kid because I was always taking up for someone. Throughout my twenties, I found myself constantly trying to rescue my family from situations they never asked to be saved from. I would take out extra loans from school to help them during emergencies, and one time I co-signed a lease that ended up putting me in debt. I even ended up losing my favorite job at a hair salon because I was too busy advocating for my coworkers. I don't blame anyone but myself for always wanting to super save a ho.

Carrying the stress and pain of others took a toll on me, and I recently decided that it wasn't my responsibility to carry that burden anymore. Surrounding myself with depressed and negative energy, trying to celebrate my own victories while everyone else's lives seemed to be falling apart, became impossible. I had one friend, for example, who helped me move into my first solo apartment. I had just left an abusive relationship and was living in another friend's basement to save money. When I got my dream apartment, I called her to help me move. However, instead of being happy for me, she looked around and said, "You're so lucky. I wish I could have a beautiful place like yours. You just seem to get everything." It was infuriating. She had a large, furnished townhouse, while I didn't even have a bed to sleep on that night. Instead of congratulating me, I had to deal with her negative attitude once again.

I had many friends like her, and at the time, I didn't realize that I needed to let go. Making friends was easy for me, and being able to walk into any room and make things happen felt like a gift and a curse. I never took the time to build genuine relationships with genuine people. As long as you didn't stand in my way, we were cool. But eventually, I found myself suffocating and yearning for someone to save me.

It wasn't until I started digging deeper within myself that I realized it wasn't my job to save others. And to be honest, it isn't anyone's job to save me either. We are responsible for ourselves. I can't take away someone else's pain, and although it makes me sad, that's the reality of life. Each of us has our own life filled with unique challenges. Sometimes the best thing we can do is step away and let people learn their lessons. By constantly stepping in as the savior, aren't we robbing them of something? Or maybe we're even robbing ourselves of living an authentic and fulfilling life. These thoughts constantly battle within me, but I have learned to step back from the need to rescue someone every time they face a challenge.

Throughout the years, I have come to understand the importance of being a good listener, opening my ears, and simply holding space for others periodically. Sometimes, being honest with a friend and suggesting they seek professional help is more valuable than trying to solve all their problems. I have also learned to protect my energy and myself by not always answering the phone when I need a break. I'm learning that the best way to help others is to start by helping myself. Instead of giving advice, I try to take my own advice. Instead of rushing in to save someone, I remember that they also have their own life to experience, whether it's good or bad. In the past, I have risked my life, jobs, careers, and experiences for so-called friends. I don't believe in mistakes, but I acknowledge that the pain in my life is mostly a result of choices I made. Once again, I can only blame myself.

With awareness comes the opportunity to change, and for that, I am grateful. It feels like I have been reborn, with the chance to create a new brand, treat myself with love and understanding, and let God do the work. There are still moments when I feel the urge to save someone. Being an empathetic person is natural for me, but I try not to dwell in those emotions for too long because I know it serves no one, including myself. It took me a long time to learn these lessons, but I finally understand. Just as God has guided me to this understanding, I believe that He can do the same for others. So, save yourself first.